Humor

How To Write a How to Article

Note: May or may not be sponsored by Howie the How-to Human.

This is Nicholas, not Caleb – don’t tell him I hacked his computer to post this. Anyway: Breaking News: We are well over halfway into the second semester. That means, wait for it, you’ve (hopefully) learned something. The horror, I know! But with this newfound knowledge, you can do many things, one of which is writing your very own how-to article. Read on for pro tips and tricks!

Have an awesome hook

No, don’t run out and buy a fishing hook. I mean, if you need to go fishing then get one, just not for writing an article. Your hook should always be the very first thing you write, even before you pick your topic. Some of my favorites to use are fake Walmart sponsorships or referencing an old article everyone has completely forgotten about.

Pick your audience

Who will read your article? Will it be people looking for a way to go viral? Will it be students struggling with their studying habits or trying to hack a test? Of course not, these are terrible audiences! Instead, target people who want to be successful or need help planning. Of course, your audience can be whoever you’d like, but those are my tried and true!

Pick your topic

Now that you have your audience, pick what you actually will write about. The biggest thing here is to pick something interesting. Don’t talk about how to take a test or study, talk about actually practical things. For example, give outrageous advice on how to succeed at everything, or how to catch a mythological creature. That’s the really good advice people will actually use!

Go on super long tangents

Are you more than two sentences into your article and actually talking about the topic you just picked? WRONG! Approximately every two sentences you need to go on a very long tangent. Ugh, great, now sine and cosine are sad I haven’t mentioned them. Yes, they are two other things that… something… math… I think… what was I saying? Ah yes, no matter when or how hard it may feel to fit in, you need to go on a tangent. Eventually, it will come to you easy as pie. As in, eating apple pie. I mean, if you’d rather have cherry, go for it. Just don’t eat pumpkin, it’s not fall or winter right now. But whichever you eat, it will be easy as that. Not as hard as memorizing pi though. Oh, by the way, I did memorize it 3.14159… 87654321! Like I said, tangents!

Cause a major controversy

Everyone knows that the best way to get famous is by having half the world defend your name and the other half rake it through the mud! Anything can be majorly controversial if you make it that way. Don’t like ice cream? Well, first of all, what are you even doing if you don’t? Second, go make a huge deal about it on social media and write about it. The entire world is twitter-trigger-happy enough to comment and share it. Do like ice cream? Target the person who just followed my last instructions and crush them beneath you because, let’s be honest, pro-ice cream is a sure-fire win.

Writing how-to articles are very hard, and also very hard to finish on time (sorry about that one Mr. Editor), but you can do it, and someone, hopefully, will read it.

4 Comments

  1. hahaha this is awesome.

  2. *blinks*
    I don’t know how to read…. soooo…. I couldn’t read this 🙁

  3. ahaha sine and cosine math jokes yess