This month, the columnist had the incredible privilege of landing an exclusive interview with a very reclusive guest. Edmund is a connoisseur of the arts, an eloquent poet, a true gentleman, and a plant. Though he is often mistaken for a simple fern, he is in reality a paradise palm silk tree of the highest pedigree.
The following is a direct transcript of the columnist’s conversation with Edmund.
[Columnist:] To start off, would you mind telling the readers your age?
[Edmund:] Nobody really kept track or thought to write it down or anything, so I couldn’t actually say. I’ve researched paradise palm silk tree growth charts though, and I’d say probably between 15 and 20 years. Sure feels like a lot longer.
I see. So what grade would that put you in?
Plants don’t get to go to school, kid. At least they’re not supposed to. I, on the other hand, have managed to cobble together enough courses to roughly equal an average high school education. I plan to attend Harvard in the fall.
Where do you live? And where have you lived in the past?
I’m given to understand that my life started in a small greenhouse in southern Minnesota, but I never knew my parents, and I was adopted at a young age, so I suppose I’ll never know. My owners live in Saint Paul, and I haven’t moved more than a few inches on the ground since they brought me in. I’ve grown several feet though, and since it’s the best I’ll ever get, I like to consider that a sort of move.
What kind of music do you like to listen to?
I’m quite fond of classical music—Mozart, Chopin, Wagner, and other such symphonic masters—but do my owners ever listen to them? No. They don’t. They listen to loud “music” with noisy drums and electric guitars that sound like they’re being maimed by rabid wolverines. But of course no one ever asks me what I want to listen to. No, I’m just the houseplant…
What about favorite movies?
Motion pictures are overrated. Quit paying tribute to your televisions and start reading books, kids. You may thank me later.
Autobiographical histories, mostly. It’s quite fascinating to see the past through the eyes of real people—real life can be much more fantastic than we usually think it is. There’s this one I recently read titled The Lord of the Rings, by a fellow named Baggins, that you should really take the time to read. It’s quite shocking how much of history they don’t teach in schools…
What kinds of hobbies do you have?
Well, as you can see, I’m a plant. So there’s not much in the line of active hobbies available as options. I mostly just sit here and observe whatever my owners are doing. I also look out the window at the neighbors quite a lot—they have a cat. I wish we had a cat. Then at least I might have someone to talk to who’d actually listen. It might also eat my owners’ evil parakeet that wakes up at dawn and doesn’t shut its beak until 2 o’clock. I hate that bird.
What would you say is your greatest skill?
I am known regionally as somewhat of a writer of poetry. Mostly Italian sonnets. Probably above your pay grade to understand. I’m actually starting my own Poetry Counseling firm, just working out some paperwork legalities right now. Apparently my business is the first of its kind, so there are some extra hoops they want me to jump through. I’m telling you, everything is harder when you’re a plant. Some people are just so narrow-minded.
Do you have any plans for your future career?
I expect to be a partner in my own law firm within eight years. We will be unbeaten.
What’s your favorite color?
Fuchsia. Bet you expected me to say green, didn’t you? Just like humans—when you’re not putting us in pots in your living room, you’re putting us in boxes in your mind…
Is there a quote or message you want to give to the readers?
Yes, actually, there is something I would quite like to take this opportunity to say. I want to point out how you humans never look around you at the ordinary things, how you don’t even listen to the people you are talking with, how you’re on your computers and phones and not with the people you’re with, and how you treat plants like they’re less than yo—
What’s your favorite Bible verse?
That was very rude. I was in the middle of sharing my thoughts with you, and you cut me off.
You’re right, but I can’t say I really care. Sorry. Favorite Bible verse?
Fine then. There are many verses that I find relevant and insightful, but one that stands out particularly is Matthew 7:17-20: “Likewise, every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit. A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, and a bad tree cannot bear good fruit. Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. Thus, by their fruit you will recognize them.” Now of course you will say I chose this verse because I am a plant, and though I am inclined to deny that claim, I will recognize that it may not be entirely unfounded. And then deny it.
Well, Edmund, thank you for being willing to sit for this interview. On behalf of the readers of clay, thank you for your time.
It’s not like I can leave. The pleasure was probably more yours than mine. And I wasn’t finished either, I still want to talk about how—
We’ll see you all in the next article!
More About Edmund:
- TPS Classes 2018-19: He’s not officially registered for any classes, but he audits whatever his owner plays on speaker. He takes excellent notes.
- Siblings: He doesn’t know. It’s actually rather a sore subject, so don’t bring it up.
- Meyers-Briggs Type: INTJ
- Enneagram Type: 3