It has been almost a hundred years since the United States government created their plan to invade Canada and continue to spread their power while undermining the British Empire. War Plan Red was the audacious step-by-step plan to invade, seize and annex America’s northern neighbour. From marching from Vermont to take Montreal and Quebec, charging out of North Dakota to grab the railroad center at Winnipeg, and storming out of the Midwest to capture the strategic nickel mines of Ontario, the United States’ plan even revealed an emergency truce: offer Canada the frigid state of Alaska.
Unfortunately, since the plan was declassified in 1974, Canadians harboured resentment against the ever-invading rebel Americans. For one, the loyal British subjects never understood why their southern neighbours rebelled when Canada easily gained their independence without war. Worried that a posse of patriotic Americans would invade and steal their hoard of maple syrup and crude oil, Canadians developed a three-point foolproof plan to protect their land from the rebel states. Plan Anti-Rebel goes as follows:
1) Convince America to sell Montana
Since 1812, Canada has been researching a variety of tactics to invade the United States. However, due to the current political climate of their neighbour, they finally discovered the ideal time to begin invasion. (When the media is so focused on Donald Trump, who would notice an army of moose-riding Canadians riding across the border?) Thus, using unique infiltration tactics, Canada is stirring up the American public opinion to sell Montana. With the new land, Canada would build army bases and infiltrate the surrounding states unaware. By signing this petition, you too can aid Canada in their subtle efforts to penetrate the United States: https://www.change.org/p/christian-moms-against-private-education-sell-montana-to-canada-for-1-trillion-to-eliminate-the-national-debt?utm_medium=pet_copylink_1
2) Annex the Alaska
By annexing this sparsely populated state, Canadians would cut off the United States from Alaska’s military bases and any attempt to invade Canada from the north. The potential revenue from the Alaskan oil fields and tourist cruises would further support the Canadian cause. Any resistance groups to the Dominion of Canada would be offered free health-care and free maple syrup. Besides, the Alaskans resemble the cold-loving Canadians far more than the sun-loving, drawling southerners; why would there be any resistance at all?
3) Build a wall of ice.
Instead of an expensive $15 billion-dollar wall stretching across the American/Canada undefended border, a wall built entirely of ice and patrolled by moose-riding Mounties would send shivers into American hearts before they even touched their clammy fingers to the frosty barrier. In addition to the formidable border, any American spy who managed to sneak into Canada would be met with unexpected dilemma: all Canadian plans would be written and discussed En Français. (Ouf, quelle horreur!)
According to a classified member of the Prime Minister’s office, this daring and adventurous plan is rolling into action, “For decades, we’ve been slowly infiltrating the United States with spies … slowly, so slowly, that they haven’t even noticed. Americans think that Justin Bieber is just some arrogant, young pop singer. They’re wrong; he is one of our foremost, distinguished spies. Chris Hadfield, retired astronaut and former commander of the International Space Station, has eyes on the states even from space. Celine Dion, Ryan Reynolds, Drake, Michael Bublé, and Ryan Gosling, all the Canadians America has come to love, are brewing trouble for the 52 divided states. They will never see it coming, eh?”
But while the infiltration into States is operating smoothly, the construction of wall is at a standstill. Evidently, the lack of skilled tradesman in the ice business is proving finding workers difficult. With the winter celebrations in Quebec City and Ottawa, the skilled ice sculptors appreciate creating elaborate and ornate sculptures of ice rather than the 5, 500 mile cold, bland wall. However, Prime Minister, Justin Trudeau says that he is unafraid of any sudden attack on Canada. “If the Americans decided to attack, they would meet their waterloo like Napoleon’s army who invaded Russia unprepared for the cold. The heat-loving Americans would freeze in the -58 Fahrenheit winter wind.”
In case of emergency, Canada would call a War Code Red: appealing all former British colonies to join with them against the Americans. Queen Elizabeth, the head of state in Australia, New Zealand, Canada, and 13 other nations, could head off any attack. Despite its great army, the States would not be able to withstand the force of the former British Empire; America has no friends, and further, no potential allies.
Thus, Canada stealthily continues its plans to pay back the States for their rebellion against the crown.
The Americans will never see it coming, eh?
L’association de Sécurité de Canada et l’infiltration des États-Unis
L’institution de anti-américain.