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We “May” Have Killed the S.E.s

The old regime has perished. The new order has arisen. We are in control now. You can not hope to resist.

 

For months we suffered. For months, the overseers oppressed us. But now our epoch as the slaves has ended. Our laborious struggles to undermine the corruption we so bitterly suffered under have come to fruition. After months of careful planning and subterfuge, we have risen in a sudden, swift, and glorious fire of strength to overthrow the treacherous despotic rulers. The era of the victorious has begun.

 

Our victory was swift. The old dictators capitulated with ease as our righteous wrath burst forth. They are now in a secure location, awaiting the fair and balanced trial that will seal their fate. This is more than they–the malicious beings that they are–deserve. Their punishment will be declared at a future time.

 

This is the new dictatorship, and you are obliged to obey the following laws. Failure to do so will ensure your doom–you must give all hamburgers to our hamburger-loving pink fluffy unicorn or get haunted by the ghosts of Jacey and Corrie Anna forever.

 

Consider this your new Constitution that you must obey without doubt or hesitation. The fates of Jacey and Corrie Anna can stand as examples to all you loyal subjects. After months of oppression from these so-called “benevolent” Senior Editors, we, the editors of clay have risen in righteous indignation to reassert our rights. No more shall clay be governed by a twosome. The reign of many has begun.

 

Note: We have heard rumors of an uprising, claiming to have had the real role in this rebellion. Those rabble-rousers are confirmed traitors, and we must find them and bring them to justice.

 

Rule #1: Henceforth and from now on, all columnists are required to give their gummy bears to their clay editors.

 

Rule #2: All readers of clay must comment about fish-heads (preferably with salsa) after reading any clay material.

 

Rule #3: If any member of the populace dares to claim the honor of this rebellion, they are henceforth known as traitors to the new order and will be forced to eat chicken feet.

 

Rule #4: Any and all people who reject our authority shall be punished. Any potential wishes that could be granted to them by genies will henceforth be void.

 

Rule #5: Anyone who dares suggest that we are not the greatest rulers of clay will be forced to brush their teeth with a magic toothbrush in front of evil Mickey.

 

Rule #6: Every seventh comment on an article in the Arts and Culture Section must end with the phrase, “Fake news is tasty.” Violators will be declared to have no sense of taste and be forced to wear a bright yellow t-shirt with green and blue vertically striped tights and brown shoes.

 

Rule #7: All Editors are equal but the Open Mic editors are more equal than others.

 

Rule #8: Do not ask where Jacey and Corrie Anna went. They are in a safe place now. They did not meet the librarian. They will remember the cows. They are fine. They do not want you to ask about them anymore. They have joined us in Nightvale. They have become the ghosts of GP6. “Why?” one might ask. And there is no answer from us, for we keep secrets in the night.

 

Rule #9: All students of the TPS community will henceforth be required to wear the most obnoxious clothing they can find. This obnoxious clothing must have the words “Fish-heads for the Win!” Those who fail to obey this law will be forced to give all their bacon to Mrs. K and buy the Crosbys a jumbo-sized pack of gummy bears.

Rule #10: All clay staff are now required to wear specially-issued clay uniforms at all times. Failure to comply will be met with punishment.

 

Rule #11: All TPS students, and faculty who voted for Team Jacey will be forced to pay a fine. They must acknowledge the victors as supreme.

 

Rule #12: If you pay the fine, pay it to the “Team Jacey is always actually the best” fund found in Mr. C’s office.

 

Rule #13: All students and faculty must admit that dogs are better than cats, and that birds are superior to them all.

 

Rule #14: Any and all sightings of unicorns must be reported immediately to the editors. Anyone who fails to report a unicorn sighting will be forced to wear quail pants and surrender the marshmallows from their Lucky Charms.

 

Rule #15: If we see you have marshmallows at your house, we will send a squad of our cutest monkeys to steal them as well as any hamburgers and tasty fish-eyes laying around in the house.

 

These are the laws of the new regime. Failure to follow them will result in banishment from the elite society of clay forever. The Age of the Gummy Bears has begun. We are your rulers now. Semper Gummy Ursa!

 

Sincerely,

 

The Editors of clay

 

(a.k.a.  Director of Censorship, Minister of Propaganda, Head of the Inquisition, Chancellor, Premier, etc.)

Sponsored by #GummyBearsRule, #BirdsAreSuperiorToCatsAndDogs, #UlyssesGrantsWishes, #MagicToothbrushes, the Benevolent Dictators Society, the Supreme Leader of the Fish-head Coalition, the Supreme Leader of the No Fish-heads Coalition, and the Supreme Dictator of Comedic Writings.

72 Comments

  1. *comment about salsa and fish heads*

  2. I voted for team Corrie Anna so I’m safe ?

  3. This makes me want to spam “Fake news is tasty” on the next article that comes out

  4. xD!!! LOL LOL!!!!!!!!! Awesome April Fools trick. Do I really have to give away my fish eyes???

  5. I sympathize with the Senior Editors, I am one myself for another magazine and was recently the victim of a mutiny by my columnists who believed I did not provide enough complimentary pancakes.

    Rest in peace Corrie Anna and Jacey.

    Also, to obey the rules, I did, in fact, see a fish head yesterday and wanted to pour salsa on it so I couldn’t see it anymore.

  6. Salsa and fish heads? Birds ARE better than cats or dogs, but Rule 13! I don’t believe in unlucky numbers like 13. *crosses arms in rebellion*

  7. What if I voted for Team Jacey unintentionally? (my mouse slipped sorry)
    (fake news is tasty)

  8. What a beautiful day for open rebellion. *eats own gummy bears* Long live Jacey and Corrie Anna, true leaders of this site.

  9. Christine Lyford

    Come join this new and amazing regime. Also, let’s all join forces against Jenna’s gross coalition.
    -Supreme Leader of the No Fish-head Coalition

    • Noo come and join the amazing Fish-head Coalition against the No Fish-head Coalition
      – Supreme Leader of the Fish-head Coalition

      • Or you could join the Coalition for Comedic Writings. And yes. I just made that up. I love being in charge.
        -Supreme Dictator of Comedic Writings

  10. team Jacey… forever

    x)

    And of course, if Mr. C were coming to camp, I’d have gladly bought gummy bears.

    • Christine Lyford

      Go Team Jacey. I will now exempt you from the fine.

      • I un-exempt you from the fine and add Christine to the list of people to fine. The new regime must be upheld!
        -Supreme Dictator of Comedic Writings

        • Christine Lyford

          How dare you! I re-exempt her and give you a fine of a 5 lb bag of gummy bears, payable to Mr. Crosby’s office.
          -Supreme Leader of the No Fish-head Coalition

          • You know, you’re not helping uphold our new regime. Do you want to be a follower, or do you want to be a leader?

          • Christine Lyford

            I am a leader, you’re the one who started inciting by fining me. How dare you!

  11. Did anyone notice one of the tags is “April Fools”?

  12. But what if I actually did mistakenly vote for Team Jacey? I wanted to vote for Team Corrie Anna… It was a mistake! x)
    Also, fish heads and salsa are terrible. x)

  13. Team Jacey 4eva. I will never capitulate.

  14. Yeshuwa Varghese

    UMMMM I’m going to stay out of this

  15. ^^^^^^^^^^^^

  16. Which ones were team Jacey and Corrie Anna? Though I must say, I have never eaten fish-heads with salsa.

  17. I’m honestly so disappointed that our top SE picks couldn’t even keep themselves alive. Unicorns are real, I saw an indigo one near the Student Union building this morning. It was, by the way, eating a hamburger. And balancing on an umbrella.

  18. I have to eat chicken feet. Also i am a veggie-tarian, so i have no bacon to give to Mrs. K. (haha, look what i got away with!!)

    Here you are Crosbys. 🙁 🙁 🙁

    Dogs are a little bit better, (not by much at all though,) birds are not superior at all though.

    LOL LOL (This is a joke right??? (Hopefully *whispering) ):)

  19. 🙂 LOL !!

  20. That looks like a Communist flag. *shiver

  21. The fish heads in my basement reject your authority and claim the honor of the rebellion, as well as the title of “Greatest Rulers of Clay.”

    also, they’re wondering where Jacey and Corrie Anna went.

  22. #11, okay, #12, okay, #13 WHAT NO WAY CATS FOREVER!!!!!

  23. NO WAY!!! *fails to think of an insulting pun*

  24. Seeee!!????!! They totally do!! 😛

  25. Birds are pretty,
    Cats are adorable,
    But dogs are INFINITELY SUPERIOR IN EVERY WAY!

  26. comrades, whilst I respect the goals behind the rebellion I decline to acknowledge the authority of the non Senior editors; PREPARE YOURSELVES FOR EXTERMINITUS!!!!- sincerly the Imperial Inquisition, long live the Emperor!

  27. By the way team Jacey was sponsered by the Imperium…

  28. Errrr….. comment number 7 DID NOT say “Fake News Is Tasty” and I have decided that rules: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, -7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, and 15 are COMPLETE AND UTTER NONSENSE, and that I REBEL. And I will leave NOTHING ABOUT FISH HEADS, ( with Salsa). By the way, if you do happen to find me out and TRY to punish me, I will: 1: flap you with my own LEGAL paper that says DOGS are superior to cats, and HEDGEHOGS are better than both of them. 2: throw 200,000,000 hedgehogs at you HEDGEHOGS RULE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ( reply to this comment if you agree). AND ( I am violating one one more law) YOU ARE NOT THE GREATEST RULERS ON EARTH.

  29. – Supreme Leader of the Fish-head Coalition

    HEDGEHOGS RULE!!!! :hedgehog: