The old regime has perished. The new order has arisen. We are in control now. You can not hope to resist.
For months we suffered. For months, the overseers oppressed us. But now our epoch as the slaves has ended. Our laborious struggles to undermine the corruption we so bitterly suffered under have come to fruition. After months of careful planning and subterfuge, we have risen in a sudden, swift, and glorious fire of strength to overthrow the treacherous despotic rulers. The era of the victorious has begun.
Our victory was swift. The old dictators capitulated with ease as our righteous wrath burst forth. They are now in a secure location, awaiting the fair and balanced trial that will seal their fate. This is more than they–the malicious beings that they are–deserve. Their punishment will be declared at a future time.
This is the new dictatorship, and you are obliged to obey the following laws. Failure to do so will ensure your doom–you must give all hamburgers to our hamburger-loving pink fluffy unicorn or get haunted by the ghosts of Jacey and Corrie Anna forever.
Consider this your new Constitution that you must obey without doubt or hesitation. The fates of Jacey and Corrie Anna can stand as examples to all you loyal subjects. After months of oppression from these so-called “benevolent” Senior Editors, we, the editors of clay have risen in righteous indignation to reassert our rights. No more shall clay be governed by a twosome. The reign of many has begun.
Note: We have heard rumors of an uprising, claiming to have had the real role in this rebellion. Those rabble-rousers are confirmed traitors, and we must find them and bring them to justice.
Rule #1: Henceforth and from now on, all columnists are required to give their gummy bears to their clay editors.
Rule #2: All readers of clay must comment about fish-heads (preferably with salsa) after reading any clay material.
Rule #3: If any member of the populace dares to claim the honor of this rebellion, they are henceforth known as traitors to the new order and will be forced to eat chicken feet.
Rule #4: Any and all people who reject our authority shall be punished. Any potential wishes that could be granted to them by genies will henceforth be void.
Rule #5: Anyone who dares suggest that we are not the greatest rulers of clay will be forced to brush their teeth with a magic toothbrush in front of evil Mickey.
Rule #6: Every seventh comment on an article in the Arts and Culture Section must end with the phrase, “Fake news is tasty.” Violators will be declared to have no sense of taste and be forced to wear a bright yellow t-shirt with green and blue vertically striped tights and brown shoes.
Rule #7: All Editors are equal but the Open Mic editors are more equal than others.
Rule #8: Do not ask where Jacey and Corrie Anna went. They are in a safe place now. They did not meet the librarian. They will remember the cows. They are fine. They do not want you to ask about them anymore. They have joined us in Nightvale. They have become the ghosts of GP6. “Why?” one might ask. And there is no answer from us, for we keep secrets in the night.
Rule #9: All students of the TPS community will henceforth be required to wear the most obnoxious clothing they can find. This obnoxious clothing must have the words “Fish-heads for the Win!” Those who fail to obey this law will be forced to give all their bacon to Mrs. K and buy the Crosbys a jumbo-sized pack of gummy bears.
Rule #10: All clay staff are now required to wear specially-issued clay uniforms at all times. Failure to comply will be met with punishment.
Rule #11: All TPS students, and faculty who voted for Team Jacey will be forced to pay a fine. They must acknowledge the victors as supreme.
Rule #12: If you pay the fine, pay it to the “Team Jacey is always actually the best” fund found in Mr. C’s office.
Rule #13: All students and faculty must admit that dogs are better than cats, and that birds are superior to them all.
Rule #14: Any and all sightings of unicorns must be reported immediately to the editors. Anyone who fails to report a unicorn sighting will be forced to wear quail pants and surrender the marshmallows from their Lucky Charms.
Rule #15: If we see you have marshmallows at your house, we will send a squad of our cutest monkeys to steal them as well as any hamburgers and tasty fish-eyes laying around in the house.
These are the laws of the new regime. Failure to follow them will result in banishment from the elite society of clay forever. The Age of the Gummy Bears has begun. We are your rulers now. Semper Gummy Ursa!
The Editors of clay
(a.k.a. Director of Censorship, Minister of Propaganda, Head of the Inquisition, Chancellor, Premier, etc.)
Sponsored by #GummyBearsRule, #BirdsAreSuperiorToCatsAndDogs, #UlyssesGrantsWishes, #MagicToothbrushes, the Benevolent Dictators Society, the Supreme Leader of the Fish-head Coalition, the Supreme Leader of the No Fish-heads Coalition, and the Supreme Dictator of Comedic Writings.