Arts & Culture

Make Gummy Bears, Not Veggies!

It was finally spring break, a time to relax and have some much-needed fun. The downside? I had nothing to do… because all my friends were leaving on vacation while I stayed at home. Also, some skiers in Texas were driving up through Colorado for vacation and to ski on Wolf Creek Pass. Even though I wanted to ski, the weather was going to be terribly windy, and the crowds would swarm. And, no offense, but these Texans just weren’t good skiers. No doubt constant falling and crashing was going to take place on the mountain, and I sure didn’t want to be in the middle of it.
So, I sat down and turned on the TV. Nothing, nothing, nothing. Gosh, this is boring. Nothing, nothing. Well, I guess I could watch the news since there’s nothing else on, I thought to myself. Fox News flew across the screen with two announcers speaking to the viewers, a younger guy and a pretty young woman with dazzling makeup and a tight-fitted dress. Both wore smiles on their faces, but they were obviously fake. But the screen transitioned to the headline of the day. I was shocked to see the text crossing the TV. It said, “Bears Attacking Skiers on Wolf Creek Pass.” I rubbed my eyes and drank water. I was never delusional, but I hadn’t eaten much of anything in the past few days, so I guess that was the problem. But, even after refreshing myself, the text was the same.
That’s impossible. The bears are hibernating, and they don’t come out unless they smell blood. A few camera shots showed cell phone footage of two grizzlies running down the slopes chasing the skiers. But there aren’t any grizzlies here. The last grizzly seen was in the ‘70s. Surely this couldn’t be the same group of bears. I peered closer—the bears were wearing peace signs across their chests with flowers across their face and carrying signs saying, “Make gummy bears, not veggies!” This doesn’t make any sense; I’m losing my mind. The hosts on the television show continued saying that due to the avalanches, the bears were coming out. In fact, the avalanches were so bad that it brought out the “Make gummy bears, not veggies” grizzly bears. It also brought out grey wolves, which hadn’t been seen in forever. The last time a wolf was seen was at the local wildlife park. How is this even possible?
I don’t know why I did it, but I drove to Wolf Creek Pass to make sure that this whole thing was legit. When I got there, there, sure enough, was a bunch of grey wolves running alongside my vehicle. Strange. Then, I got to the ski resort and stopped. No people. Though plenty of cars were there, I drove up and saw a gentleman who was pointing people to their parking spots. But this guy looked a little hairy. Of course, in the mountains, most men get hairy, but this guy was too hairy. I parked by his side and looked up. It was a grizzly bear. He stood at about seven feet high. Sure enough, he held peace signs. He looked at me straight in the eye and said something that sounded like, “Bruaaaah! Ghohaaaaa! Wharee!”
“Huh?” I replied.
“Never mind. You, humans, are so dumb. What I mean is do you eat meat?”
“Oh. My. Gosh. You can speak! I mean how is this scientifically possible? How am I talking to a bear with peace signs and hippie outfits? And you talk back to me, I have to take cell phone footage,” I rambled.
“Just answer the question!” the bear yelled.
“Uh…yes? I eat meat,” I gulped.
“Okay, you may pass.”
I stared blankly. First things off, I was chased by a pack of grey wolves. Second, I saw a bear with peace signs all over it, and third, that same bear just talked to me. Wow, I must have seriously gone loony.
“Excuse me,” I began. “What is this all about? Where are all the people?”
“Oh, we’ve waited over forty years to do this. All that time of planning and stuff… we decided that all those who don’t eat meat must give us all their gummy bears.”
I gulped. “So, why are you doing this exactly?”
He rolled his eyes and continued, “Because, dummy, we don’t like our veggies, we just want our gummy bears. If no one eats their meat, then I can get their gummy bears, and they can eat the veggies.”
I cocked my head. I must be dreaming. He turned to me again and said, “Now, I want to make sure you aren’t lying though about eating meat.”
“Ok?”
He handed me a big ole beef steak. I looked at him and looked back down at the plate. I grasped onto a fork and a knife he gave me and cut into the burnt looking meat. It tasted awful! I spat it out and stared at him. He frowned.
“I can’t eat this,” I said.
“Why not? Is it because you’re a liar and that you don’t eat meat?” He shouted.
“No! That’s not true at all! This meat isn’t cooked right. It’s burnt,” I retorted.
“I’m sorry, but rules are rules. If you refuse to eat the steak or spit it out, we must take away your gummy bears,” he said in a rather cheery voice.
“But,” I tried to speak.
“Sorry. Now say ‘bye-bye’ to your gummy bears.”
“NOOOOOO!!!!!”
So, I sat down and turned on the TV. Nothing, nothing, nothing. Gosh, this is boring. Nothing, nothing. Well, I guess I could watch the news since there’s nothing else on, I thought to myself. Fox News flew across the screen with two announcers speaking to the viewers, a younger guy and a pretty young woman with dazzling makeup and a tight-fitted dress. Both wore smiles on their faces, but they were obviously fake. But the screen transitioned to the headline of the day. I was shocked to see the text crossing the TV. It said, “Bears Attacking Skiers on Wolf Creek Pass.” I rubbed my eyes and drank water. I was never delusional, but I hadn’t eaten much of anything in the past few days, so I guess that was the problem. But, even after refreshing myself, the text was the same.
That’s impossible. The bears are hibernating, and they don’t come out unless they smell blood. A few camera shots showed cell phone footage of two grizzlies running down the slopes chasing the skiers. But there aren’t any grizzlies here. The last grizzly seen was in the ‘70s. Surely this couldn’t be the same group of bears. I peered closer—the bears were wearing peace signs across their chests with flowers across their face and carrying signs saying, “Make gummy bears, not veggies!” This doesn’t make any sense; I’m losing my mind. The hosts on the television show continued saying that due to the avalanches, the bears were coming out. In fact, the avalanches were so bad that it brought out the “Make gummy bears, not veggies” grizzly bears. It also brought out grey wolves, which hadn’t been seen in forever. The last time a wolf was seen was at the local wildlife park. How is this even possible?
I don’t know why I did it, but I drove to Wolf Creek Pass to make sure that this whole thing was legit. When I got there, there, sure enough, was a bunch of grey wolves running alongside my vehicle. Strange. Then, I got to the ski resort and stopped. No people. Though plenty of cars were there, I drove up and saw a gentleman who was pointing people to their parking spots. But this guy looked a little hairy. Of course, in the mountains, most men get hairy, but this guy was too hairy. I parked by his side and looked up. It was a grizzly bear. He stood at about seven feet high. Sure enough, he held peace signs. He looked at me straight in the eye and said something that sounded like, “Bruaaaah! Ghohaaaaa! Wharee!”
“Huh?” I replied.
“Never mind. You, humans, are so dumb. What I mean is do you eat meat?”
“Oh. My. Gosh. You can speak! I mean how is this scientifically possible? How am I talking to a bear with peace signs and hippie outfits? And you talk back to me, I have to take cell phone footage,” I rambled.
“Just answer the question!” the bear yelled.
“Uh…yes? I eat meat,” I gulped.
“Okay, you may pass.”
I stared blankly. First things off, I was chased by a pack of grey wolves. Second, I saw a bear with peace signs all over it, and third, that same bear just talked to me. Wow, I must have seriously gone loony.
“Excuse me,” I began. “What is this all about? Where are all the people?”
“Oh, we’ve waited over forty years to do this. All that time of planning and stuff… we decided that all those who don’t eat meat must give us all their gummy bears.”
I gulped. “So, why are you doing this exactly?”
He rolled his eyes and continued, “Because, dummy, we don’t like our veggies, we just want our gummy bears. If no one eats their meat, then I can get their gummy bears, and they can eat the veggies.”
I cocked my head. I must be dreaming. He turned to me again and said, “Now, I want to make sure you aren’t lying though about eating meat.”
“Ok?”
He handed me a big ole beef steak. I looked at him and looked back down at the plate. I grasped onto a fork and a knife he gave me and cut into the burnt looking meat. It tasted awful! I spat it out and stared at him. He frowned.
“I can’t eat this,” I said.
“Why not? Is it because you’re a liar and that you don’t eat meat?” He shouted.
“No! That’s not true at all! This meat isn’t cooked right. It’s burnt,” I retorted.
“I’m sorry, but rules are rules. If you refuse to eat the steak or spit it out, we must take away your gummy bears,” he said in a rather cheery voice.
“But,” I tried to speak.
“Sorry. Now say ‘bye-bye’ to your gummy bears.”
“NOOOOOO!!!!!”

Disney Owns the Rights to the Photo. It was seen in Hold That Pose cartoon in 1950.

5 Comments

  1. Allora… i think it posted twice… jussayin’

    Rofl

  2. This is amazing. Reminds me of Non Sequitur by Wiley – featuring devious bears out to eat hapless hikers.

  3. #Allora

    This is amazing, Allora . . .

  4. My sister howles” I WANT MY GUMMY BEARS!!!!!!” (Aka she does not eat her veggies.) 😉 DO NOT TELL HER I SENT THIS! 🙁