Arts & Culture

Cooking Column: Fish – The “Proper” Way

Ever wondered how to “properly” cook a fish? Well, me too. I know many people don’t like fish very much, but for ye few sea-food lovers I thought I’d give you some advice on how to cook a fish the proper way. So grab your desired type of fish, and let’s get cooking!


Today I’m going to do things a little different. For your ingredients, just grab whatever you like to season fish with: salt, pepper, sugar, oregano, flour, gunpowder, crushed candy cane, unicorn farts, crushed pine cone, little bits of cloth or leather, etc. If you like, you can also marinate your fish in some vinegar and chicken broth, and hopefully then it will taste like chicken (since everything does and should). For catfish I recommend dirt as a seasoning since it complements the flavor of the fish.


One of the best ways to marinate a fish is by making sure it catches as most infrared and UV radiation as possible. Lying your fish out in the sun for 3-7 days on the beach (for your fish’s comfort) would be sufficient, but for a more delicious fish, I’d recommend 1-2 months. Another way to season a fish is to make sure that the fish earns two PhD’s and has visited 20 countries before eating it. This will ensure that you have an especially scrumptious fish.

Now for the cooking! You can easily bake, broil, fry, toast, bread, roast it on a stick over a camp fire, send in a space craft to orbit the sun, or dry any fish you like (or you can just eat it raw; it’s much easier). Choosing a method is the easiest part: pick whatever way you think would not complement your fish’s species, seasoning, or marinating. This ensures that your fish will taste absolutely delectable! For an even tastier fish, bake it at 10˚C or 60˚F higher than your estimate, so that the fish will be pleasantly burnt.

I hope you enjoy this guide on how to cook a fish! I’m happy to answer any questions in the comments!


Editor’s Note: This article was sponsored by SE Dagger Spinners Anonymous. SE Dagger Spinners Anonymous: Need help with a dagger spinning addiction? It’s now easier than ever to find help! Find an SEDSA near you!


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  1. Rebecca Shangguan

    hahaha I wonder how well do unicorn farts go with fish that tastes like chicken

  2. Oh, this is precious! Now I know how I can make a fish taste that I like

  3. Eeeeeewwwwwwwwww!!!! Fish………

  4. Rebecca Shangguan

    did you mean me?

  5. ooh comment #7 so i have to do this: “Fake news is tasty”

  6. All of us need safety from Jacey’s knife habits…

  7. *blinks* is confuzzeled…

  8. I do not like fish.

  9. Is this “Fish” thing because all we can talk about is fish heads ( with salsa) ?
    Can you, ( Lynn) please make it about fancy Chocolate muffins? PLEEEAASEEE!!! 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙁 🙂 🙂 lol