Humor

Una Revelación (Translation: A Revelation)

Disclaimer: Este artículo es propiedad exclusiva de Jake Moore y de la revista clay. No se puede usar, ver, imprimir, doblar en un avión de papel, traducir del español al inglés, el alemán, el francés o, lo que es peor, el latín, ni entregarlo a un niño pequeño sin el consentimiento expreso de Jake Moore y la revista clay. (Which Google translates as: This article is the exclusive property of Jake Moore and clay magazine. You cannot use, see, print, fold on a paper plane, translate from Spanish to English, German, French or, worse, Latin, or deliver it to a small child without the express consent of Jake Moore and clay magazine.)

Jake: Greetings once again to all and sundry! It’s March. The weather is still chilly, we’re all ready for spring, St. Patty’s day is on the way, and…

(Beep! Beep! Beep!)

Jake: You have to be kidding me.

Buzz Lightyear: Te lo aseguro, no estoy bromeando. (Google says: I assure you, I’m not kidding.)

Jake: Not talking to you, El Buzzo. This timer is brand new, different manufacturer, made in a different part of the multiverse, and yet it’s still going off too early. Weird.

Buzz: Tal vez deberías encontrar algo más para usar para contar el tiempo. (Google says: Maybe you should find something else to use to count time.)

Jake: I guess. I just use my phone for this one. Now, where was I?

Buzz: Tu monólogo de apertura. (Translation: Your opening monologue.)

Jake: Oh yeah. (clears throat) Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Buzz Lightyear, who for the moment is stuck in Spanish mode due to a small accident involving a washing machine, the Kragle, and a couple of minions.

Buzz: Fue bastante inesperado y desafortunado. (Tranlsation: It was quite unexpected and unfortunate.)

Jake: I’m sure.

(Bzzzzzt! Bzzzzzt! Bzzzzzt!)

Jake: WHAT!? Now my phone’s doing it too?!

Disembodied voice: (Very quietly) Mwahahaha…

Jake: (Freezes) …Did you hear that?

Buzz: ¿Qué? (Translation: What?)

Jake: That very quiet evil laugh just then. I’m starting to get a little freaked out.

Buzz: Probablemente lo estés imaginando. Deberíamos pasar a las preguntas. (Translation: You are probably imagining it. We should move on to the questions.)

Jake: Ok. Yeah, good idea. Ok, questions… right.

Disembodied voice: (Whispering) Jedi mind trick!

Jake: (Freezes again) Did you…

Buzz: Sí, lo escuché esa vez. (Translation: Yes, I heard it that time.)

Jake: Ok, I’m officially freaked out now. Maybe whoever this is has been messing with my timer this entire time… But who has the means and motive for that?

Buzz: Es posible que Kylo Ren esté tratando de vengarse de ti. (Translation: It is possible that Kylo Ren is trying to take revenge on you.)

Jake: I doubt it. He doesn’t have invisibility tech or magic or whatever this person is using to hide. The only person I know who has that is Jake 16, and he said he wasn’t messing with my timer.

Disembodied voice: (Still really quiet) You guys know I can hear everything you’re saying, right?

Jake: And why does that matter?

Disembodied voice: (After a pause) Touché.

Buzz: Solo ignora quien sea que sea. (Translation: Just ignore whoever it is.)

Jake: Good idea.

Disembodied voice: (almost forgetting to whisper) What?! No! I will not be ignored! I will disrupt this article!

Jake: Aha! You understood Buzz!

Disembodied voice: So? Plenty of people speak Spanish.

Jake: Nuts. I thought I had a clue there.

Buzz: No lo estás ignorando. (Translation: You are not ignoring him.)

Jake: Oh right. Ignore the voice. Got it. (Quietly to Buzz) Play along with me. (In a louder voice) So, how are things with Woody and the rest of the gang?

Buzz: Las cosas estan yendo bien. Todos disfrutamos el tiempo de juego en la habitación de Bonnie. (Translation: Things are going well. We all enjoy play time in Bonnie’s room.)

Jake: (Walking around the room hoping to stumble into the intruder) That sounds great. I’m sure that after all you guys have been through together, you must be a pretty tight-knit group.

Buzz: Estamos muy cerca. En realidad, estamos más que cerca: somos una familia. (Translation: We are so close. Actually, we are more than close: we are a family.)

Jake: Spanish is so beautiful. Sorry, I just had to say that.

Disembodied Voice: (Completely forgetting to whisper) Hey, what are you doing? Why are you groping around the room like that? You’re not blind…

Jake: (Bumps into something invisible) AHA! Gotcha!

Intruder: (Turns visible) Drat! You win this time, Prime, but… Wait a sec, that rhymed.

Jake: (Stupefied, turns to Buzz) You seeing this?

Buzz: (Also stupefied, nods)

Intruder: Oh yeah, my parting shot. (Clears throat) Ahem, you win this time, but you haven’t seen the last of me! Now, where’s my teleporter? Ah! (Vanishes)

Buzz: What just happened?

Jake: I have no… Hey, you’re speaking English again!

Buzz: The invisible guy was YOU!

Jake: Well, not me, but I get what you mean. I’m totally freaked out. I looked straight into the eyes of the enemy, and I saw myself. Literally.

(Beep! Boing! BANG!)

Jake: (Jumps) How’d one of those ACME timers get in here?

Buzz: The other you must’ve brought it.

Jake: Makes sense. Well, it’s time to wrap up anyway. Say goodbye, Buzz.

Buzz: ¡Adíos, amigos!

Jake: Did you just lapse back into Spanish mode?

Buzz: No, I just thought it was appropriate for the situation.

Jake: Ah. Well, see you next time everyone! I’ll keep you updated on the whole timer tampering situation.

4 Comments

  1. Yeeeeeeeeeeesssssssssss!!!!!!!!!!!!! *takes several deep breaths* I love your interviews, Jake!! They always make my day 328% better. 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂

  2. Wait . . . but isn’t it Jake Prime who’s supposed to say “Jedi Mind Trick,” not Jake 16??? Sus-spicious.

  3. I love your posts!! Keep up da good work!!

  4. @Jonathan

    Awesome! Keep it up!