Humor

A Single’s Guide to a Stereotypical Valentine’s Day

Are you tired of having normal, basic, extremely awkward Valentine’s Days? Tired of seeing and thinking about all your friends and family in happy relationships? Disgusted by all the cheesy traditions that come with the holiday? Well too bad, this year we’re doing the exact same thing.

Step 1.

As you wake up to the day of luvvvvvv, think about everyone in your life who is happily in a relationship. How they get to spend the day with the person they most luvvvvvv in the world, so much so they basically forget you even exist for 24 hours (unless, of course, they already have because let’s face it, you aren’t the most sociable). Of course, avoid all thoughts of how you are alone and isolated on the day that celebrates romantic relationships. You will also want to avoid all thoughts of how you hate being single and have to console yourself by saving money and by finding happiness in your freedom. If you find yourself down, go on social media and cheer yourself up by seeing all your friends happiness as you sit on your couch in a bathrobe holding a mug of coffee you accidentally added earl gray tea to.

Step 2.

Get heart-shaped chocolates. Sure, they are cliché. Sure they taste terrible and the only reason we love them is the shape. Sure they for some reason have ten times the calories per bite than normal chocolates. Sure most people hate getting them as presents. But we want the most stereotypical valentines day ever, so of course, we need to get these truffles of weird cholesterol-raising chemicals you should NEVER Google. Valentines Day is a day of eating enough of these “chocolates” to make ourselves sick, not day of being health conscious. Think of it as preparation for Halloween.

Step 3.

So it’s sometime in the mid-afternoon. You’ve gone on social media, which helped your VDD (Valentine’s Day Depression) somewhat and thrown up about three times from the chocolates. You’re considering either calling a therapist or downloading Tinder. Well, I have a cheaper option for you: flowers and balloons. No one has ever gone wrong with these two items. Sure they may spawn an uncontrollable spending spree that will lead to a midlife crisis, but that only happens 97.89% of the time, so I think we are safe!

If you follow these three simple steps, you will have the most common basic, normal valentines day anyone has ever had. I mean, who doesn’t like to do what every single other person on the face of this earth does?

 

P.S. VDD is a commonly occurring disorder. Even if you did everything you could to avoid it by following the steps above, if you did end up with it call 1-800-GET-HELP or 1-800-U-NEEDIT.

4 Comments

  1. i as a spelling/grammar ocd person need to point out that it’s “they’re” not “their” ><

  2. “If you find yourself down, go on social media and cheer yourself up by seeing all your friends happiness as you sit on your couch in a bathrobe holding a mug of coffee you accidentally added earl gray tea to…”

  3. Oh my gosh!!! Meeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!