Disclaimer: This article is the exclusive property of Jake Moore and clay magazine. It may not be used, viewed, printed, lost underwater, given to sea lions or octopuses… or septapuses… umm… where was I… agh, I give up.
Jake: Hello once again my friends!
Jake 57: Hello from me too!
Dory: And me!
Jake: Guys, you have to wait until I finish my opening monologue.
Dory: Sorry, I forgot.
Jake 57: Yeah, that happens to me too.
Jake: It’s ok, just wait next time. Alright, here we go… Once again, I have traveled from my undersized office to interview someone who can’t come to me. I borrowed a trick from Josiah so that I could conduct this interview underwater. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the one, the only…
Dory: Oh boy, I can’t wait to see who it is!
Jake: Dory, it’s you.
Dory: It’s me!? Wow! I don’t know what to say… Actually, I do. I’d like to thank Nemo and Marlin, and Hank, and Destiny, and…
Jake: No, Dory, you didn’t win anything.
Jake 57: Yeah, he’s just going to interview you.
Jake: Well, I wouldn’t say just…
Jake 57: I would. That’s why I did.
Dory: I would too. I think…
Jake: …Anyway, I let one of my doppelgangers sit in on the interview since he has short term memory issues like Dory.
Dory: Yep. Can’t remember diddly.
Jake: Right. Well, let’s get to the questions.
Dory: OOOOO! I love trivia games!
Jake 57: Me too!
Jake: Guys, it’s an interview, not a…
(Beep! Beep! Beep!)
Jake 57: That’s early.
Jake: Yeah… too early. Something fishy’s going on here…
Dory: Well, yeah, ‘cause I’m a fish.
Jake: No, that’s not what I… Never mind.
Jake 57: I never mind anything… that’s why I have trouble getting off the subway…
Jake: (Sighs) He doesn’t (makes air quotes) “mind the gap”.
Dory: Oh. I still don’t understand.
Jake 57: Yeah, I got lost somewhere in there, too.
Bailey: I can help you if you’re lost! I’ve got the world’s most powerful…
Jake: (Startled) Where’d he come from!?
Dory: He’s been there for a half hour.
Jake 57: He has?
Jake: Oh brother…
Bailey: Guys, guys guys guys, check this out! Oooooooooooo! I can see everything! Ooooooooo! My life is a rainbow!
Jake: So, now that you’ve figured out how to use your echolocation, you have to show it off to any new people?
Bailey: Oooo… uh… yeah, I guess so.
Jake: Well, I won’t stop you. Carry on with your rainbows.
Bailey: Ok! Wait, what?
(Beep! Beep! Beep!)
Jake: Geez! What is it with my timer?
Bailey: Maybe it’s just showing its appreciation for my gift.
Dory: Ooo! Is it your birthday? I love presents!
Jake 57: Me too! I got a lightsaber for a present one time, but I dropped it and it cut a hole in the floor…
Jake: That’s not what he means by “gift”, you guys.
Dory and Jake 57: (In perfect synchronization) Oooooooh.
Jake: (Sighs) I hope I get to ask a few questions before I have to wrap this up…
Dory: But you did.
Jake 57: You already asked… two, three… four questions! At least, I think it was four. Maybe it was just three…
Jake: Have you been keeping track?
Bailey: Aha! There’s another one!
Bailey: And another!
Jake 57: That makes… Six? Whatever it is, it’s a lot!
Dory: Maybe it was five… or seven? If it were seven, then you’d have asked a question for each of Hank’s arms!
Jake: He still only has seven arms?
Jake 57: There’s another!
Jake: Oh, good grief.
(Beep! Beep! SMASH!)
Bailey: (To Jake) What’d you smash it for?
Jake: I was tired of hearing it go off.
Jake 57: But isn’t it time to wrap up?
Jake: Is it? (checks word count) Oh. Oooooh. Nuts.
Dory: I’ve never had nuts. I eat mostly seagrass.
Jake 57: I like to eat cheese. And ham. In a hoagie roll. Mmmmm…
Jake: Agh, for crying out loud!
Jake 57: What about crying quietly? I do that a lot.
Jake: …Well, I hate to wrap up on that note, but I’m running out of words. Say goodbye, everybody.
Jake 57: See ya!
Dory: Goodbye! Wait, who’s leaving?
Jake: My sanity.
Dory: Oh. Goodbye, Jake’s sanity!
Jake: See you next time, readers! Until then… you know what, I’m too tired to quote somebody right now.