Humor

The Secret to Succeeding in Literally Everything You Do

Success is impossible! Yes, you heard me, im-poss-i-ble. At least to normal humans who failed to find this amazing, awesome, wonderful guide. Over the course of this next page of writing or so, I will teach you the secrets to literally succeed in everything you do, and never (right you heard me), never, fail. So let’s begin!

1. Learn everything there is to know about what you’re about to do.

Do you think NASA knew how to put a man on the moon? Of course, they did! Why else would they have tried it if they didn’t know how to? All those failed rockets were just decoys to make the Russians think they had no clue. They would never have wasted all that money trying to develop rockets if they didn’t know how to!

So learning everything there is to know, it seems daunting, right? Well of course it is! If you don’t want to fail, just make sure you literally know everything so it is physically impossible for you to do so! Many people say failure is the best teacher. Well, to them, I say teachers are the best teachers. So learn everything there is to learn and you will literally be unable to fail!

2. Help is Stupid. Don’t get it.

So you’ve learned everything there is to know about your topic and are ready to start. This step is one of the top four most important things you will ever hear (the other three being the two other steps on the list and whenever someone says pizza is amazing).

Take Germany for example. In World War II they created the Axis Alliance, and see where that got them. Up against the utterly separate powers of the United States, Great Britain, and the Soviet Union, they faltered.

Or take the builders of the first atomic bomb as an example. They created it together, but only by themselves. They didn’t recruit professors from colleges around the country or collaborate with Albert Einstein to create the bomb. No, only by themselves with zero extra help did they create the first-ever atomic bomb.

Besides, people never just want to help, they want to steal ideas. Help is for those who can’t help themselves, and successful people can help themselves. Moral of this story: no help equals success.

3. Only do things you know you can succeed in.

This is the most important though most obvious of them all. If you are unsure of success, don’t do it. This is the only true way to ensure success. I only started writing this post because I knew I could easily finish it, thus making me successful. Success is not the result of hard work, it is the result of careful deliberation of whether or not one can succeed at the task at hand.

Do you think the thirteen colonies were unsure if they could break free from Britan? Of course, they weren’t, why else would they have attempted to do it? The consequences would have been unimaginable, so why try if they weren’t sure of success?

My list of things I can almost always guarantee success in are as follows: sitting down, standing up, walking, eating, sleeping, hearing, seeing, clapping, breathing, having a pulse, living. If you cannot do any of these things, especially any of the last three, I would calmly shut down your computer and go to a doctor just as fast as humanly possible so you don’t die.

There they are––the secrets of success. If you follow them, you will always succeed in everything you try, no exceptions. Now go be successful and share this article so I can be more successful (this isn’t me getting help from you, it’s just you sharing this article for my benefit, but not help).

image cred: https://bryantarchway.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/10/success.jpg

7 Comments

  1. This is very good advice…*nods seriously*

    • Thank you, I researched this for years and obviously succeeded in making an amazing article. *nods seriously back*

  2. F

    I saw the tags XD

  3. You should write a book. . . people need to hear this

  4. Lol, I love this! Especially the Teachers are the best teachers line XD

  5. lol Good job! You’re right we will never fail if we try step three! xD

  6. *goes to see a doctor* Thanks for the advice. I needed this. *nod*