Humor

I Don’t Do Resolutions, Darling

Disclaimer: This article is the exclusive property of Jake Moore and clay Magazine. It may not be used, viewed, printed, sketched on, turned into a papier-mâché statue of somebody important, signed by any celebrities including an imposter of Jake Moore, or used to smack someone in the face without the expressed consent of Jake Moore and clay Magazine.

Jake: Happy New Year, everybody! Once again, the old has gone, the new has come, and there are still TONS of leftovers from Christmas dinner that someone needs to eat. Given that we’re celebrating a new year, I’ve decided to do something new for my article. I’ve invited a fashion designer to come to talk to me today. Now, those of you who are big fans of my interviewing fictional characters, don’t panic. I’m interviewing a fashion designer for superheroes. Ladies and Gentlemen… Hey, I got it right this time! I would like you to welcome Edna Mode!

Edna: Thank you so much. Just call me “E”, darling.

Jake: If you so desire, then so be it.

Edna: Why are you talking that way?

Jake: Why not talk that way? Shakespeare talked kinda like that every day when he was alive.

Edna: It makes me wonder about you being an imposter or not.

Jake: OH! Thanks for the reminder. “Jedi Mind Trick!”

Edna: That’s better. Continue, darling.

Jake: Right. First question: What kinds of New Year’s Resolutions are you making this year? Anything really special?

 Edna: I don’t do resolutions, darling.

Jake: Really? Why not?

Edna: I finally realized that it was pointless to make promises to myself that I would eventually forget and not keep. I gave up so that I could focus less on trying to keep silly promises that I had made to myself so that I could focus on my art.

Jake: Oh, ok. I guess that makes sense.

Edna: I also made a resolution last year that I wouldn’t make any more resolutions.

Jake: Wait, huh?

Edna: They’re a waste of time, darling! I find it much easier to focus on making my clients look spectacular when I don’t have to worry about changing meaningless parts of my personality.

Jake: Some of those things aren’t so meaningless, though.

Edna: Then they shouldn’t have to be New Year’s resolutions, darling! You should be able to make choices about those types of things any time of the year.

Jake: Hm. I never really thought about it that way.

Edna: That’s why you’re asking the questions, darling.

Jake: What’s that supposed to mean?

Edna: Nothing, darling. It was simply a brief reflection on your comment.

Jake: Oh. Then, I guess that’s alright. I think.

(A swirling green portal appears next to Edna’s seat, and Jake 23 steps through, carrying a super-suit that Edna obviously designed, as evident by the tag sticking out of the collar)

Jake 23: Hey, E? I need you to do a patch job for me…

Jake: Holy Toledo! Another imposter?!

Edna: (To Jake 23) Of course, darling, but you’ll have to wait a bit. I’m busy with the press.

Jake 23: Ok, but I’d like it if you took care of it soon. Crime never sleeps, you know.

Edna: (A bit peeved) Fine. Give it to me. (Inspects the super suit) Ugh, you shouldn’t be seen wearing this out on the street. I won’t allow it, darling!

Jake 23: (Confused) Then, what should I do? I don’t have another…

Edna: Of course you don’t! So you had better go ahead and ask me before my schedule fills up!

Jake 23: Wait, you want to make me a new suit?

Edna: You push too hard, darling. But fashion is always changing and so must you. Chop chop!

Jake: Uh, guys? I’m still here…

Edna: (Pulls out pen and paper and begins sketching) Hm, so much potential. My imagination might run away from me! Where should we start, darling?

Jake 23: Hmm, how about something like… Ooo, that guy Gazerbeam! Man, his suit looks so cool…

Edna: What!?

Jake 23: Er, excuse me?

Edna: You would like me to design something inspired by that pretender Galbaki?

Jake: Oh boy.

Jake 23: Uh, er, no, that’s not what I meant…

Jake: (Suddenly feeling mischievous) Then what did you mean, imposter?

Jake 23: (Realizing who Jake is) Oh my goshness! It’s you! Jake Prime!

Jake: Jake Prime? Where’d that come from?

Jake 23: I thought you’d know. A bunch of us got together and decided that Jake 1 was a little too bland. So we decided to call you Jake Prime instead.

Jake: I actually like the sound of that…

Edna: I’m still here, darling…

(Beep! Beep! Beep!)

Jake: Oh, sorry. Outta time.

Jake 23: Can I say something real quick?

Jake: Well… I guess.

Jake 23: Ahem… Readers, here is the best New Year’s resolution you can make: Never literally fly by the seat of your pants.

Jake: I feel like there’s a story there…

Jake 23: Why do you think I need the new suit?

Jake: …Oh. Ok. Well, say goodbye, E.

Edna: Goodbye, darling.

Jake: Until next time readers, “Goodbye, darling.”

Edna: Now you’re just copying me.

This article was sponsored by the Supers’ Society of North America, of which my 23rd doppelganger is an official member, but I’m not… yet. They say that inter-dimensional explorers don’t count as superheroes, but I’ll convince them… eventually. I have to. It’s one of my resolutions for this year.

10 Comments

  1. My resolution is 1920×1080.

    I said nothing.

  2. Ok but can we please get a Jake 23 origin story??

  3. This is hilarious! GJ!

  4. These are awesome! ?

  5. GJ! I love Edna (sorry, E) Can’t wait for your next edition!:)

  6. Hm. Maybe I should be called Jonathan Prime.