Note from the editors: This article was simply written for comedic purposes and was not intended to offend any avid fans of Santa.
Also note from the editors: Santa is real. Nicholas isn’t a believer. Fake news. (If you believe this, stop reading.)
Hello, my dear readers,
Santa is a menace! For years he’s been hiding under the simple disguise of ol’ St. Nick, but no longer! He has done unspeakable things, things that have sent others to jail for a long time, yet we give him a free ‘round the world trip every year. So let’s dive into Santa’s sins.
Starting off simple, yet still quite terrible––animal testing! The unregulated, unauthorized, and unrestricted testing of quite possibly dangerous chemicals on reindeer! Biologically, reindeer cannot fly, yet every year they pull an obese man and many toys. The only answer? Radioactive chemical tests performed on them to make them this way. What side-effects exist? Does it affect their lifespans? Do the chemicals combined with the fact that they fly around the world in a single night cause them any harm? Are the reindeer we see even the same year to year, or after the old batch dies, does Santa just re-inject the flight serum into the next batch?
St. Nick is currently estimated to be about 1740 years old, if he started making the journey when he was only 40, and needed a new set yearly, he would be responsible for the death of over twenty-two thousand reindeer! And what about Rudolph? That nose is definitely the result of some sketchy scientific experiment!
Moving on––human mutations––quite possibly the next step after the animal tests. Where did St. Nick get his free elf workforce from? Unless he has direct access to Rivendell, it’s through mutations. Who would want only one night off a year? Maybe those who can’t find work literally anywhere else because of their abnormalities! And how has he sustained that crew? By giving more and more people the mutations every year!
Moving away from organic crimes – for now – let’s focus on his legal ones, like his lack of patents. Unless almost every manufacturer in the world has an under-the-table deal with Mr. Claus, he manufactures millions of illegal iPhones, Xboxes, and other gifts every year. He could easily be sued for billions of dollars for distribution of these copies year after year according to US patent infringement laws. And who knows how many other’s he’s inspired by his continual disregard for international laws and regulations!
And what about burglary? Every year he enters millions of households, eats their cookies, and leaves suspicious packages under household plants. Who knows what these packages enclose? Most of them hold toys, but with the lack of regulations on those packages, any one of them could permanently hospitalize or kill a family! Burglary has a varying range of jail time, but for the sheer amount Santa has committed, he’d be looking at fifty years or more!
Finally, the cherry on top, the main course, the final song, the worst of the worst: repeated and unregulated human cloning. Across the world, there are thousands of mall Santas, and all are clones of the big bad himself. The legal case behind cloning is very murky, but one thing is for sure: kids should not be looking up to someone who is reckless, dangerous, but smart enough to make thousands of clones of himself to fill malls across the world.
So, my friends, it is time to end the myth that Santa is good in any way shape or form. He is dangerous, crazy, and not someone you should let inside your house, much less entice him with cookies. This multi-generational lie must end before even more children are brainwashed by the red suit and twinkle in the eye.
Santa is very real and very dangerous. I never even touched on how he’s still living after over a millennium or the tools he uses to hypnotize children into loving him. If you see him on the street, please call 1800-SANTAS-HERE for instructions on how to proceed, do not approach him by yourself! Use #thesantatruth to spread the word. We must not let him take another holiday season from us! Santa, if your reading this, go back to the icy inferno from whence you came!
From the Eccentric Entries of Edward Edge