Featured, Humor

How the Grinch Stole My Hot Chocolate

Disclaimer: This article is the exclusive property of Jake Moore and clay magazine. It may not be used, viewed, printed, stolen, folded into an origami Christmas tree, used as an accessory to burglary, or really anything that might land me in jail without the expressed consent of Jake Moore and clay magazine.

Jake: Greetings, everybody! Merry Christmas! And just in case you were worried, “Jedi mind trick”.

Grinch: So glad I read the last article.

Jake: Yeah, I know what you mean. Things have been a little crazy lately. It took me almost an hour to explain what happened to Remy. But anyway, as you ladies and gents may have already noticed, the Grinch is in my office. Don’t worry, he’s not here to steal Christmas…

Grinch: Well, not officially anyway…

Jake; …Right. He is here, however, to answer some of my burning questions. You ready, Grinchie?

Grinch: Don’t call me Grinchie.

Jake: Whatever. First question: Why?

(awkward silence)

Grinch: Why what?

Jake: Why steal Christmas? I mean, we both know you can’t actually steal Christmas itself, but you can steal all the presents and trees. So… why?

Grinch: It just annoys me. All the singing and presents and the hullabaloo… It drives me crazy!

Jake: I can understand the hullabaloo, but singing is fun! And presents are fun, too!

Grinch: Nobody ever gives me presents…

Jake: Have you ever asked for presents?

Grinch: Have I asked? Have I asked!? Well… Actually, I don’t think I have…

Jake: There you have it.

Grinch: But I still don’t like singing! Or hullabaloo!

Jake: Fine. So you don’t like singing. How about listening to Christmas songs?

Grinch: Hmmm. Well, so long as it’s not “Let it Go” over and over again.

Jake: Ok, we’re making some good progress here. So, what about Christmas coo…

(Beep! Beep! Beep!)

Jake: Ah! That means we’re… Wait, I barely have three hundred words right now! Something’s not right here…

Grinch: Were you going to say something about Christmas cookies?!

Jake: Hang on a sec, Grinchie.

Grinch: Don’t call me Grinchie.

Jake: Whatever. I think there might be a… Oof!

(Jake runs into something invisible and an alternate Jake, Jake 16 to be precise, appears out of thin air)

Jake 16: Ah, shucks! Wrong button!

Jake: Aha! Another imposter! (Grabs a random spork off the desk) Freeze, turkey!

Grinch: Turkey was last month.

Jake 16: (points to his bowtie) Stay right where you are, or I’ll fire!

Jake: (Gasps) He’s got a bowtie! Hit the deck!

Grinch: What’s so bad about a bowtie?

Jake: He might have a sonic screwdriver to go with it!

Grinch: Or he might not.

(awkward silence)

Jake: (to Jake 16) Do you have a sonic screwdriver?

Jake 16: Uhhhhh… ‘course I do!

Grinch: (looks skeptically at Jake) I think he’s lying.

Jake: Me too. Nice job calling his bluff, Grinchie.

Grinch: Don’t call me Grinchie.

Jake: Whatever. So, you poker-faced imposter… Explain yourself!!

Jake 16: I’m just doing some research for my own column. I figured the best way to learn to handle the madness would be to study the master.

Jake: Wow. I… I don’t know what to say. I’m touched.

Grinch: I’m not.

Jake: Just a quick question before you go: You’re the one who messed with my timer, right?

Jake 16: Nope. That wasn’t me.

Jake: Hmmm. Weird.

Grinch: Can we just be done already?

Jake: I guess it is about time. I’ve got 582 words now. And since my timer isn’t going to go off, I guess I have to wrap it up myself. Say goodbye, Grinchie.

Grinch: Don’t call me Grinchie.

Jake: Whatever.

Jake 16: Oo! Oo! Can I say goodbye too?

Jake: Sure, be my guest.

Jake 16: Adíos amigos! Until next time…

Jake: Hey, that’s my line! Wait, where’s my hot chocolate?

Grinch: (with hot chocolate all over his lips) Oh… I don’t know. Gee, I wonder where it could be…

This article is sponsored by The Green Fuzzy People’s Society. ‘Cause the Grinch is a green fuzzy person. Just in case you didn’t know.

Waking Up Nom GIF by The Grinch - Find & Share on GIPHY

3 Comments

  1. Great work as always! Loved hearing from the Grinchie.

  2. ummmmmmm I already folded your article into an origami Christmas tree AND I now need to use it as an accessory to burglary…
    permission?