Humor

How to **Properly** Plan for Thanksgiving

Planning for Thanksgiving is stressful. Many people fail at planning the meal year after year. You may even be one of those people. The sad thing is that these people don’t even know what they are missing. To relieve stress and educate the world, I created this: Planning for Thanksgiving the Proper Way.

Step 1: Who are you eating with? If you’re like me, friends and family got old an eternity ago. Luckily, there are other options out there. Eating Thanksgiving dinner with those whom you have longstanding arguments with is always fun, and always leads to thought and emotion provoking debates. Another valid option is Batman style, a.k.a. by yourself. This has been my chosen style for the past 8 years. Of course, if you want to go the extra mile, then on Thanksgiving go to a madhouse, ahem, a Costco, and kidnap those walking out of the store. The biggest plus to this method is if you choose the right people, you can get the entire meal free.

Step 2: What food are you planning on making? (If you chose the third option in step one, skip this step.) You have your guest list, whether it be friends, family, or you were smart and followed my recommendations. Turkey is old, and the amount of poultry killed yearly for this day is simply outrageous. And let’s get real for a second, who actually thinks turkey is good? I mean, if it wasn’t traditional, we’d probably compare it to eating a penguin – which is much tastier by the way. So if not turkey, then what?

Well to start, don’t be basic and do ham, chicken, pork, or beef. Seafood is good but doesn’t go with the Thanksgiving palate (excluding sushi. Sushi is amazing, and it can and should be eaten anywhere and everywhere). Deer and alligator are also nice but are both expensive or rather hard to obtain universally. Rabbit is also good, but don’t eat it unless you want PETA to hate you with a deep, burning passion. The solution: lamb. It doesn’t normally over-outrage PETA, and I have yet to find someone who dislikes it (if someone reading this dislikes lamb, please send me your email, phone number, address, and social security number).

Step 3: Decorations. Thanksgiving falls in a weird limbo between two other holidays with more plentiful decorations. Because of this fact, you could go out and buy a whole set of Thanksgiving decorations, or you could just combine those from the other holidays. Go ahead and put those orange lights on your Christmas Tree, and your scarecrow by the presents. The reason this works is that it is exactly what your guests feel when they walk into stores. One area holds all the discounted fall decorations, and right next to them are the Christmas trees and giant Nutcrackers. All bonded together in the wonderful spirit of Thanksgiving!

Step 4: Serving food. Everyone spends so much time polishing and cleaning their silver dishes, platters, and plates, but I had a revelation a few years back about this very fact: people just come to over-stuff themselves, they don’t care what the food is served on. At least, that was my thinking. So if you really want a simple meal, just use paper plates, plastic cups, and silverware. It will be the easiest cleanup ever, and who honestly cares about the fancy part of the holiday? I mean, we eat canned cranberry sauce, turkey (see step two), and green bean casserole. What part of those foods makes them worthy to be served on nice plates and platters other than the fact that it is Thanksgiving?

And there you have it. Your four steps to Thanksgiving success. But here’s one final tip: if you really want it easy, just go crash your friend’s meal. I mean, it is Thanksgiving, what are they going to do? Turn you away?

From: The Eccentric Entries of Edward Edge

12 Comments

  1. Yes! We always have lamb at Thanksgiving.

  2. Reading this was a great way to start off my thanksgiving break! Thanks

  3. HAHAHAHA nicely done, Nicholas! (send you my social security number?!? no way!! and I like lamb, so i’m not in danger anyways) XD

    • Don’t do that!! Nick’s a hacker!! oops xD *hands over his Social Security number, bank account username and password, khanacademy username, and TPS username and password* *little brother comes up from behind him and conks him on the head* “DON’T GIVE THAT STUFF AWAY!!!!” *little brother starts hyperventilating as big brother finishes typing bank password* xD

      • *writes it down calmly**hits your brother on his head* “whats the amount in the account again?” xD

  4. Oh, and what about TOFU TURKEY???

  5. What, you mean it’s not normal to eat penguin on Thanksgiving?!?

    Email: noreply@realcompany.boop
    Phone Number: 555-5553
    Address: Right Down Santa Claus Lane
    Social Security Number: /(030)/\(0_0)\