Humor

The Only Advice Column You’ll ever Need…

Hello to the readers of the world. Because of my extensive knowledge in many areas, I have decided to give advice to you today. But unlike all other advice columns, my advice is actually practical and doesn’t get carried away with man buns and sporks. So, let me put on my glasses – I really should have put them on already – and let’s get started.

 

Dear Edward,

I’m stuck in a 30-60-90 love triangle and the worksheet is telling me to find the sine of theta and the length of alpha. Please advise.

Sincerely,

Trishanometry

 

Ahh, yes, a standard 30-60-90 love triangle. Well Trish, this is what you need to do. From what I can tell, Alpha is 30, the first. And since theta doesn’t mean 60, it’s 90. That puts you in between them at 60.

Now, this is where it gets difficult. You need to find the sine, or sin of Theta. Bring them down off their high horse, I mean, they’re two parts of the deathly hallows but sideways. Now you’re probably more confused about Alpha, but don’t worry, you have me. You need to figure out what length you would go for them.

After you do that, you need to find the absolute values of both, check all your work and make sure you can prove it with theorems, and divide it by 0. After you do all of that, you’ll know in your heart how to solve the problem.

 

Dear Person,

Lately I have been having trouble with my siblings, my sister thinks she is Mulan and my brother’s think they are Huns. “Mulan” rented a bouncy house without asking my parents, and I walked outside to find her and the Huns battling with plastic swords. They also set up special effects in our living room including lasers, things that shoot fire, big speakers blasting Chinese music, acrobatic equipment, and they bought real armor from China. We watched the movie once when I was babysitting them and they are convinced that they have legit Chinese heritage, hence why they have been acting like this. Help me please before they hire sword swallowers!!

Sincerely,

Troubled

 

Ahh, what you have here is a classic case of D.P.O.I.D. Or Disney Princess Obsession Identity Disorder, it’s a very recent development that hasn’t been cured by science until just now by moi. This is what you need to do. You could either A) take all of their stuff and donate it to a local theater, thereby completely solving the problem, or B) do what I would do.

I mean, who says you even have to fix them??? If I were you, I would snap a couple pictures, and print them with the caption “The Amazing Child Chinese Impersonators $15 in advance and $20 at the door.” If they are going to behave that way, who says you can’t profit off of it?

 

Dear Edward,

My house blew up because a war robot attacked it. Tips?

– Sad, Soot-y, and Serious.

 

I’m sorry for your loss, but I have a surefire way to get you back on your feet. Go to your insurance company and tell them what happened. Also, tell them that you just bought an eight-million-dollar painting. It’s not called fraud unless you’re caught. Also, send me a pic of one of those robots. I think it might have been mine (long story).

 

Hey,

So lately I’ve been struggling with my friend. He can’t stop talking about things like conquering other tribes, taking lands, becoming a Khan, etc. I can’t seem to get him interested in any of the stuff I like, and I’m worried about our friendship. Any advice?

Thanks.

P.S.: I almost forgot, my friend is a Mongol.

 

Hmm, this is a situation I haven’t dealt with in a while, not since the brother of someone named Temujin wrote to me years ago. But while it may not seem normal to you, this is perfectly rational behavior that is thought to cross most sociopaths’ minds at some point or another. The best thing that you can do for your friend is help in on his quest to dominate and become a Khan. But just FWI, there’s a very good chance that he’ll betray you and murder you. Just a friendly heads-up.

 

Dear Adviser,

My 7-year-old brother is turning into the hulk, he gets angry a whole bunch.

I don’t like lashing out at him, but it just happens, and I get super frustrated. What can I do to maintain my anger?

–Maintain My Anger

 

Maintain your anger? Hmmm… Well, first of all, we have yet to develop a stable hulk serum that can make a person into a hulk 24/7. (I would know; my lab is working on it around the clock.) But until we then have SteadyRage™ on the market, I would suggest just focusing all your energy on how annoying your brother is ALL. THE. TIME. I think that should do the trick.

Well, that’s all I have time for today. I hope that you all use my master knowledge well because everyone who tries to use it messes up. Now I have to run because this article is over 800 words and my editor hates editing this much grammar-y-ness.

From The Eccentric Entries of Edward Edge

5 Comments

  1. Haha! This was such a funny article to read. Amazing job!

  2. Lollll this is so funny! Gj!

  3. oh. my. goodness. XD

  4. I am now looking out for your articles. They are HILARIOUS!!!!!! Keep writing because wow, I laugh every time!

  5. Ah yes, I remember Temujin. He was quite a problem for his brother.