Disclaimer: This article is the exclusive property of Jake Moore and clay magazine. It may not be used, viewed, printed, used as nest material, tied to a ridiculously large amount of balloons, turned into any type of flying machine, or used to play fetch with any dog without the expressed consent of Jake Moore and clay magazine. Violators will be put in the cone of shame.
Jake: Greetings once again, readers. So, I’ve been doing some calculations, and I discovered an interesting fact: Since the multiverse I explore has several different versions of Earth, there are also probably several different versions of me out there somewhere. I did some more calculations and found out that, if there are other Jakes out there, I’m probably not the only one who likes to write articles for clay. Yeah, the probability of me being the only Jake who likes writing these articles is… let me see here… oh yeah, zero. So, we’re gonna use a code word. If I say, “Jedi mind trick”, it means it’s really me writing this. Otherwise, it’s an imposter Jake. (Takes a deep breath) Ok, now that we’ve got that out of the way, I want to introduce you to my interviewee for this month. Ladies and juggle-men… that’s not right… never mind. I give you Dug!
Dug: Hi there! My name is Dug!
Jake: Yeah, I just said that.
Dug: I have just met you, and I love you! (Jumps up on Jake)
Jake: Wow, ok! (Aside) I’ll bet this dog loves listening to CRJ. (Turns back to Dug) I have a few questions I’d like to ask you.
Dug: Have you seen a bird?
Jake: A what?
Dug: My pack sent me on a special mission. I must find the bird! (Begins sniffing around the room) Find the bird! Find the bird! Sniffsniffsniffsniffsniff… Point! (Points nose towards desk).
Jake: That’s just my desk.
Dug: (Turns to a different direction) Point!
Jake: That’s the ceiling fan. There’s no bird in here.
Dug: (Somewhat disappointed) Oh.
Jake: At least, I hope there isn’t. You never can tell with the kind of people who’ve been in here.
Dug: (Hopeful) Oh?
Jake: We can worry about that later. First, my questions…
(Squirrel slips in silently through an open window and begins attacking a large bowl of nuts.)
Jake: So, how are things right now with you and Mr. Fredrickson and Russel. Things going ok?
Dug: Oh yes. My master is one of the kindest humans I know. And the small mailman loves to play with me.
Jake: Then, what’s all this about a bird?
Dug: A bird has been stealing tomatoes from the small mailman’s garden. I must find the bird! (Begins sniffing around the office again) Find the bird! Find the bird! (Sees squirrel stuffing his face) SQUIRREL!!
(Squirrel leaps five feet in the air, then scrambles around the office as Dug chases him)
Dug: Catch the squirrel! Catch the squirrel!
Jake: How’d that nuisance get in here? (Notices open window) Aha! Hang on, Dug! I’ll help you get rid of him! (Grabs what seems to be an innocent timer, sets it for three seconds, and places it on the windowsill) Chase him over here!
(Dug chases the squirrel over to the window, and the squirrel leaps onto the timer just before it goes off)
(Beep! Boing! BANG!)
Dug: (After an awkward pause) Uh… What happened?
Jake: That’s one of Bugs Bunny’s ACME Self-Destructing Timers. Worked like a charm if I do say so myself.
Dug: (After another pause) Ha. Ha ha. Hahahaha. Hahahahahahahahaha!
Jake: What’s so funny?
Dug: It is funny because the squirrel gets dead!
Jake: Actually, that thing doesn’t have enough force to kill the squirrel, just enough to launch him halfway across town, which, now that I think about it, is still kinda funny.
(Beep! Beep! Beep!)
Jake: Wow, that went by quickly. I guess that means we’re out of time. Say goodbye, Dug.
Dug: Goodbye Dug.
Jake: Close enough. See you everybody. And remember, “Jedi mind trick!”
This article was sponsored by the SAS (Squirrels are an Abomination Society). Remember, if you have squirrel problems, you know who to call.
P.S. I think I need to pay more attention to the references I make. Ghostbusters just sued me for copyright infringement!