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Welcome Back!

Disclaimer: This article is the exclusive property of Jake Moore and clay magazine. It may not be used, viewed, printed, dropped from a bridge to play Pooh Sticks, left nailed to a door as a note to any friends who may come wandering along wondering where the nailer is (if that scenario even happens), or folded into a paper airplane without the expressed consent of Jake Moore and clay magazine.

Jake: Greetings and salutations, fellow students! I have once again returned from the deepest, darkest part of the year known as summer break ready to attempt to ask questions, hope to get answers, and probably get my office obliterated in the process. However, to start things off, I have invited a special guest who has a much lower probability of inducing mayhem. Ladies and germaphobes, I give you… Eeyore.

Eeyore: If I must be here, I might as well try to enjoy it.

Jake: That’s the spirit! I mean, why do something if you don’t enjoy it?

Eeyore: Survival?

Jake: Uh… you’re not wrong. But that’s probably the only…

Eeyore: Maybe also because it must be done and no one else will do it?

Jake: Ok, ok, so there are a few reasons… but not a lot.

Eeyore: What about peer pressure?

Jake: I’m starting to see why you’re depressed all the time.

Eeyore: Some people see the silver lining of every cloud. I just remind them that the cloud’s still there.

Jake: Now I’m starting to feel depressed.

Eeyore: If you really are starting to feel depressed, and you’re not just saying that to get me to be quiet, I would like you to acknowledge that making you depressed was not my intention.

Jake: Ok…

(A tiny, singular cloud floats in through the window, stops above Eeyore’s head, and begins to rain.)

Jake: (Almost speechless. Almost.) Ok… that just happened.

Eeyore: Happened yesterday, too. Seems like that cloud follows me everywhere.

Jake: If it’s such a good friend…

Eeyore: I never said it was my friend.

Jake: Regardless, maybe you should name it.

Eeyore: Like what?

Jake: How about Gertrude?

(Cloud suddenly stops raining and flies out the window.)

Eeyore: I don’t think it likes that name…

Jake: My bad…

Eeyore: Don’t apologize to me. You only ruined my day.

Jake: Sorry.

Eeyore: I just said don’t apologize.

Jake: Oh, right. Sorry. I mean… you know.

Eeyore: Do I? Do I really?

Jake: I don’t know. I’m not you.

Eeyore: Thank heavens for that. Things would be very confusing.

Jake: Anyway, I’ll try to think of another name…

Eeyore: Must we?

Jake: I don’t think that’s a good name. How about Ronaldo Kumquat XV?

Eeyore: I think you just named fifteen clouds in one fell swoop.

Jake: Do clouds even have ancestors?

Eeyore: Go ask a cloud. See if it answers.

Jake: C’mon, man. Think happy thoughts.

Eeyore: Hmm. Clouds. Rain. Mud. Tigger bouncing on Rabbit. Tigger destroying Rabbit’s garden. (Eeyore begins to smile.)

Jake: See? Now you’re getting it!

Eeyore: Oh, wait. (Eeyore frowns.) It’s Wednesday.

Jake: What’s so bad about that?

Eeyore: The wind hates me. Clouds love me, but the wind hates me.

Jake: That’s rough.

(Wind blows in through the window and promptly knocks over Eeyore’s chair.)

Eeyore: My bum hurts.

(Beep! Beep! Beep!)

Jake: Well, that about wraps things up! See you next time, readers! Say goodbye, Eeyore.

Eeyore: Goodbye Eeyore. If any of you would like to clap, now is the time to do it.

Jake: Adiós amigos!

This article was brought to you by the letter A, the color red, and the number 67. Nah, just kidding.

4 Comments

  1. HA hilarious as always

  2. Ha hilarious as always

  3. Oh my goodness that great GIF from an even greater movie. And your article. xD

  4. I really want to see Christopher Robin.