Disclaimer: This article is the property of Josiah DeBoer, Jake Moore, crazy Grandma, random associated cousins, all of Jake and Josiah’s shared 5th cousins, all people who realize that some of this may have been embellished to add interest and clay magazine.
Josiah: Today, I’m interviewing Jake Moore, the humor editor for clay magazine.
Jake: My name’s not actually Jake.
Josiah: So were you born as Jacob?
Jake: Let’s not go there.
Josiah: Okay, so what’s your favorite book?
Jake: The Lord of the Rings is my favorite book to read, but I prefer my own book. (Jake grins.)
Josiah: Tell me about your own book, then.
Jake: It’s a science fiction book, with a lot of humor in it. I’m the author and I love it!
Josiah: Is it scary?
Jake: Not really.
Josiah: So it didn’t inspire you to begin carrying a chainsaw around?
Jake: I can’t say that it did.
At this point, both people come up for air. The interview was being conducted underwater, as opposed to while skydiving because Jake is afraid of heights.
While surfaced, Jake begins to complain about something the rest of us will never understand.
Jake: When life gives you lemons, don’t make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! Demand to see life’s manager! Say, “Do you know who I am? I’m the guy who’s gonna burn your house down! With the lemons!”
Jake: Give me a lemon!
Josiah hands Jake a lemon. Jake proceeds to squeeze it and throw it at the side of a boat.
Josiah: Can we just get back to the interview?
Both descend once again.
Josiah: What’s your most embarrassing story?
Jake: When I was about 5 years old, I sprained my ankle by running into the living room, onto a couch pillow and sliding across the floor.
Josiah: That sounds very, very stupid.
Jake: Less stupid than this interview.
Josiah: Oww. Let’s play a game now. I’m going to make a statement, and you’re going to react to it.
Jake: Okay, sounds good.
Josiah: Jake is a straight A student.
Jake: Yassssss. But honestly, I got a B once.
Josiah: Let’s go Army Black Knights!
Jake’s face goes red and he begins to get very angry.
Jake: How dare you!
Josiah: I love dolphins.
Jake: Yeah, dolphins are pretty cute. Just be careful if they hang out with killer whales. Because those guys are mean.
Josiah: Jake likes to complain a lot.
Jake: I don’t know if I would say that.
Josiah: I would. And here’s the last one – Jake has friends.
Jake begins to laugh awkwardly as the interview fades away.