Humor

Non Sequitur Titling

Hey, y’all. In case you haven’t gathered, this is my last month writing for clay this year. I know, you’re really sad. But you have a significant other now, so you can take consolation in him or her. And remember to toast me as you remember the golden days of yore.

Anyway, this month I’m going crazy. (i.e. I thought I’d be smart and not bother writing a column only to realize these would take longer than a column.) I’m writing quick takes – small pieces of advice in little bites for you to use.

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I’m not always in a relationship, but when I am, I parade it in front of my buddies.

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Remember, in love letters, she’s looking for whether you finally say, “I love you” not for if you position your, commas, correctly.

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Politics matter less than you might think unless one of you is pro-choice and the other is an unborn fetus.

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When someone lies in a relationship it’s a sign that they’re either overly worried about what you think or they’re a liar.

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Once someone asked me what my secret to success in a relationship was. My answer? Bribes.

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Most people say French is the most romantic language. I still say its Klingon.

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To all you seniors, remember, it’s really hard to keep a relationship going when you don’t see each other in person anymore and have to communicate online. Oh, wait.

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Two people fighting over the same girl are like two clowns – each seeing who can do the most ridiculous thing to be noticed.

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I’ve been told that almost all my quotes in the TPS quote book involve girls. I’m okay with that.

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TPS has a proud tradition (one year long) of the senior editors dating each other. (Thank you Jack and Raelen. You’ll always be my favorite third wheel Halle.) Your move Corrie Anna and Jacey.

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I’ve been told that the stranger something is, the funnier it is. In that case, “Ducks go marching like a flowy wedding dress.”

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My name is, my name is JoJo.

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I just realized that I haven’t been giving advice for a bit. My question to you is – how will you bribe me to keep on going?

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Someone offered half-hearted praise. I’m in.

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Praise and compliments always make the other person feel good, especially if they’re sarcastic.

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But avoid praise and compliments. We aren’t trying to make the other person feel good, we’re trying to manipulate them into staying with you.

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Since this is the last piece that will come out under Jack, Halle, and Rae, I figured I’d send them out under a firestorm. They each have a position on the feminism thread, and even though they’re treating everyone with love and respect, their position may be different than yours.

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And all the people were horrified and proceeded to write seven paragraph retorts in the comments section.

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In a relationship, only show the other person the personality side you want them to see. Being open and caring never helped anyone.

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Whoever decided that I should hand in my rough draft at the end of finals week should be fired.

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Actually, let’s fire all the seniors.

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I’m not the humor columnist you need, I’m the one you deserve. And you deserve the best on the planet.

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Australia just spent $370 million attempting to preserve their coral reefs. If you spend that much on jewelry for her she’d be impressed.

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ThiS iS WhERe I’D uSE mY LiKe ButTON – If I HaD OnE. But you don’t, so comment instead.

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I have a lot of TPS friends. I still haven’t figured out why.

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I find it amazing how stories can differ. Boyfriend: “My girlfriend was texting while driving my car and crashed. It’s all her fault.” Girlfriend: “I was driving my boyfriend’s car while texting and crashed. It’s all his fault.”

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The four most divisive things in the world: Religion, politics, relationships, and crocs with socks.

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Wake up you need to make money. Oh wait. We’re young, dumb, broke high school kids. Isn’t it convenient when your songs tell us all we need to know about life?

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Peace, y’all. I’m out.

4 Comments

  1. *it’s Klingon

    I seriously hope you’re still doing this column next year.

  2. yessss crocs with socks <3

    also your column has been my favorite the whole year!

  3. “Wake up you need to make money. Oh wait. We’re young, dumb, broke high school kids. Isn’t it convenient when your songs tell us all we need to know about life?”

    bro
    t h i s gosh I love this