With the introduction of clay’s new sponsor, the Senior Editors have asked (demanded?) me to give evaluations of my writers—presumably so The Pampered Chef can decide whom they can fire. Honestly I don’t know how much work the Senior Editors actually do for this e-zine, but they clearly don’t understand all the blood and sweat and tears I have poured into this production. Despite my voluminous
complaining protesting, the editors expected me to produce an in-depth, well-crafted evaluation for each and every one of my eight writers, in addition to editing and approving eight articles every month–quite an overwhelming and impossible task. Not to mention the inclusion of a cheesecloth—The Pampered Chef must believe us homeschoolers are still wearing gingham dresses and bonnets and skipping about our little houses on the prairie, washing our clothes in metal washtubs and making our own cheese. But the world is a cruel and cynical place (if you don’t believe me you’ll learn very soon, trust me), so I have passively acquiesced to the demands of my superiors and produced the said evaluations. I have tried to be honest; I pray it will not cost my writers their jobs.
*NOTE: Timeliness rating is based upon the writer’s success or failure to submit their work three days before the posted due date; failure to do so typically results in severe anxiety, hyperventilation, depression, and similar symptoms on the part of the editor.
Joshua Orsi—Current Events
Grammatical Correctness: 4
Style/Tone: 3 – You write like you know what you’re talking about. Nobody ever knows what they’re talking about. At least, *I* never know what I’m talking about.
Communication: 0 – PUHLEESE REPLY TO THINE EMAILS.
Over-confidence: 5 – Rather than properly addressing me as “Most Revered and Honorable Editor,” you have chosen the grossly familiar term “Em.” The once revered Dictator is offended.
Advice for the future: Your articles are very on-point concerning the current events of our government. To improve your writing even further, you could offer solutions for future change. I suggest you write to The White House and pitch to them the wonders the cheese cloth will work in the healing of our nation. With your successful advertisement of the pizza slicer, I’m sure you are quite capable of convincing the President to introduce the cheese cloth to the political scene.
Jack Livingstone – Military News
Creativity: 2 – All you write about is the military. It’s getting a little boring after eight months.
Knowledge: 3 – Your articles contain references to aircrafts, ships, and guns using a combination of letters and numbers. I suggest giving these vehicles memorable names instead, such as “The Pink Fluffy Death Star,” “The Submarine of Fish Head Island,” etc.
Grammatical Correctness: 3 – Do not give in to the temptation of run-on sentences even though they look really pretty and complicated periods are really nice too so please use some more of them sometimes and you will make this editor very happy thank you.
Humor: 1 – You tend to insert a plethora of subtle jokes and other sarcasm into your articles, which is an extremely inappropriate action considering the somber and serious nature of the military. I suggest you cease and desist immediately. OR I’LL STEAL ALL YOUR GUMMY BEARS. *ahem*
Advice for the future: The military should consider making their uniforms out of cheese cloth: the fabric is thick and durable, yet porous and lightweight. It could also be a great option for parachutes, since the white cloth would blend in with the clouds in the sky. Research into this sector of the military would be very interesting and garner you a huge following of readers.
Sarai Morato: Tech and Latin American News
Creativity: 3 – I was under the impression you would combine both technology and Latin America in all your articles, but instead each article was only about one or the other. I am extremely disappointed in you.
Grammatical Correctness: 2 – “Ever heard of a comma?” ~ Jacey Koo, 2018, Supreme Humor Editor
Enthusiasm in foreign issues: 2 – Your interest in the standard of living in other countries is evident in your articles—and absolutely astounding. Your advocation for a group in Puerto Rico helping with hurricane relief was even more amazing. You had better be careful or you’re going to end up blessing lives or accomplishing some good in the world.
Advice for the future: A cheese cloth is an effective tool in self-editing articles. Simply attach the cloth across your computer screen and it will filter out grammar mistakes. The upgraded product uses Version 2.1 Filtering Technology to offer style suggestions as well. Since you reach both the technology audience and the Latin American audience, your use of the cheese cloth will advertise it to double the number of readers, thus doubling sales for The Pampered Chef and making you (and me) look twice as good.
Charlie Livingstone – Technology/Inventions News
Knowledge: 1 – Every month you say you’re running out of ideas, yet every month you write another article on a new and interesting topic. I don’t think you understand what “running out of ideas” means.
Grammatical Correctness: 3 – Please use more exclamation points. I’ve heard that Senior Editor Jack Waters loves them. In fact, all the Senior Editors love them so much they even put a point in the article guidelines document commanding us not to use them!!!!! Especially not multiple exclamation marks in a row!!!! This totally makes sense!!!!!
Communication: 5 – You’ve sent me the most emails out of all my writers. It makes me feel important and useful. Good job.
Youth: 5 – As the youngest member of the News Column, you are certainly holding your own in the scary world of journalism, where senior editors make some sort of confusing change every month. You also show me a great deal of respect—some of my other writers could learn from you.
Advice for the future: Did you know the cheese cloth has made marvelous technological breakthroughs in the course of human history? If you really and truly “run out of ideas,” I believe the cheese cloth will make a profound and riveting topic.
Melika Minaar, International Correspondent
Creativity: 5 – I always thought Turkey was a big bird that one ate for Thanksgiving with cranberry sauce. However, you make Turkey sound like a…country??? I’m convinced you’re making it all up.
Knowledge: 1 – For the reasons of creativity stated above.
Grammatical Correctness: 4
Style/Tone: 3 – Your writing is much too descriptive and entertaining to befit descriptions of a dry, bland holiday bird. I suggest you taste some turkey before you sing its praises.
Humility: 5 – I never knew teenagers could be so polite and respectful. You have done your age group great credit. But please, there is no need to apologize for your grammar mistakes—if you made none, the Senior Editors would fire me.
Advice for the future: Your writing is very beautiful and descriptive; it paints vivid pictures of your home. Like I said before, however, everybody really knows Turkey is a browned bird. Follow the example of the cheese cloth; it is plain and quite boring to look at, but it gets the job done. Purchase a cheese cloth and frame it above your desk. Every time you are tempted to write remarkable or witty, look at the cheese cloth and mark its homeliness.
Maria Copeland – General News
Creativity: 2 – “General” is not creative; it demonstrates a lack of decision. I suggest you narrow down your category a little.
Timeliness: 5 – A girl after my own heart.
Grammatical Correctness: 5
Communication: 3 – You are constantly cutting our Hangouts conversations short because you have to “do school.” I don’t appreciate it. Since when does school take precedence over extracurriculars?
Making-an-editor-feel-useless: 5 – As I explained to Melika above, an editor is needed only as long as there are mistakes. You are doing a very good job at trying to get me fired. I can never find a single grammatical or punctuation error in your writing. I would appreciate it if you acknowledged my existence by inserting a comma splice or run-on somewhere one of these days.
Advice for the future: The cheese cloth fits very well into the “General” category, and would be a marvelous addition to your articles. It can come in handy in a variety of situations, such as cooking (making cheese, obviously, as well as a hot plate, table cloth, or pot holder), style (a modern handkerchief or cute hat), and everyday activities (a bath towel or many knotted together as a dog leash). If you insist on being general, then the cheese cloth will suit your purpose.
Joshua Wang – International News
Timeliness: 2 – The -J aspect of my MBTI personality has been repeatedly grieved this year.
Grammatical Correctness: 3
Style/Tone: 3 – You are exceptionally talented at crafting sentences with two possible meanings. It is heartbreaking for me to force you to rewrite them so they only have one.
Communication: 2 – Let me sing a song about extensions:
They are so great
When you’re very late.
Excuse-Generator: 20 – Even though your articles are often late, you offer such dramatic tales of college applications, schoolwork, and other unexpected circumstances, it would seem pitiless on my part to mark you as late.
Advice for the future: I would suggest you use a cheesecloth as a daily schedule or checklist. You can write on the cloth with a pen or marker (put “clay article” as the top priority on your list), and at the end of the day you can throw the cloth in the washer so it will be erased and ready for the next day. Since the cheesecloth is such a unique material to use for a planner, you can constantly come up with excuses to check it and ensure you’re on track with your day. You’ll never miss another deadline again.
Christopher Kuo – Current Events Commentator
Creativity: 2 – Why do you have to draw upon current events? Can’t you come up with any of your own?
Timeliness: 3 – Skilled at turning in work exactly the day it is due; I can therefore depend on experiencing the anxiety symptoms mentioned earlier every single month.
Knowledge: 1 – Every piece of information in your articles is completely new to me—are you sure it isn’t all fake news?
Grammatical Correctness: 4
Commentator Abilities: 0 – You offer a thoughtful and reasonable analysis of your topic every single month. This is quite out of tune with the personal attacks, petty ridicule, and immature Twitter battles which are so popular in the political world today. I suggest you adapt your style to fit the times, and you’ll fit in perfectly with the rest of modern news.
Advice for the future: Buy a cheese cloth from The Pampered Chef. ‘Nuff said.