Theology & Worldview

The CrockPot’s Very Own Hunger Games (Plus Evaluations of the Best Section Ever)

What better way to celebrate the renaming of The CrockPot than our very own version of…that’s right…The Hunger Games!

Many of you may wonder: what exactly do editors do? Here at The CrockPot, editors keep the magazine running smoothly. This month, my position includes game-making.

In The CrockPot Hunger Games, each tribute (columnist) will have to survive using a single kitchen tool. Fortu-nut-ly for the columnists, they won’t have to fight each other–they’ll have to fight nuts. The columnists do nut know it yet, but this year they’ll have to battle Almighty Almonds, Mustachioed Pistachios, Hiccuping Hazelnuts, Cuckoo Cashews, and Witty Walnuts to survive. The only weapon they can use is the versatile, brave, terrifying, shiny kitchen tool of the year…the one, the only…nutcracker.

Now as we know, nutcrackers are versatile and come in various fear-inducing forms.

You have the Christmas-y nutcracker, a character we affectionately deem “Todd,” instilling fear in nuts (and children on Christmas day) since prehistoric times.

Then you have the Ol’ Faithful, affectionately known as “Ol’ Faithful.”

But the ultimate prize is the Very-Fancy-and-Expensive-But-May-or-May-Not-Work-as-Well-as-a-Normal-Nutcracker-and-Probably-Doesn’t-Work-at-All Nutcracker, nicknamed “The Nut Guillotine.”

Columnists must buy these tools from The Pampered Chef and use them to defeat the nuts I will launch at them. I’m also using this opportu-nut-ty to evaluate my columnists on their wonderful work this year, on a scale of 1 to 5 points, 5 = best.

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Abigail Borland – Heroes of the Early Church Columnist

Creativity – 5

Timeliness – 6

Knowledgeability – 5

Grammatical Correctness – 5

Organization – 4

Style/Tone – 5

Communication – 5

Abigail commu-nut-cates clearly, accurately, and humorously (when called upon.) She’ll be a great ally to have if you need a teammate, since she’s knowledgeable and innovative, especially for such a young tribute. In case you ever need a Bible-verse-printing pancake griddle to supplement your nutcrackers, Abigail’s your girl.

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Brady Raccanello – Church History Columnist

Timeliness – 4.7

Knowledgeability – 4-6

Grammatical Correctness – 4

Organization – 5

Style/Tone – 5

Communication – 4

Brady’s like Finnick from District 4. As a Career tribute, he’s experienced in survival and fighting methods but also goes rogue sometimes and changes the Sacred CrockPot Oven Manual. SPOILER ALERT: Brady doesn’t make it through. The nuts end up overpowering his nutcracker skills…but only because he bought his nutcrackers wholesale at Walmart instead of stocking up on quality nutcrackers manufactured by The Pampered Chef. Thus, a Mustachioed Pistachio escapes his cheapo Walmart nutcracker andwell, rest in peace, Brady.

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Faith Thompson – Apologetics Columnist

Timeliness – 5

Knowledgeability – 5

Grammatical Correctness – 5

Organization – 4

Style/Tone – 5

Communication – 5

Faith is one of the most passion-nut tributes in The Games. She’s the Katniss of these games,  always on a warpath, always fighting for truth. Using The Nut Guillotine, she cracks right to the heart of the nuts, effectively debilitating them. Faith rises above the rest and reigns as the victor of The CrockPot Hunger Games.

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Jack Waters – I Have No Idea Who He Is or If He’s Even a Real Person Anymore

Timeliness – 0

Knowledgeability – 0

Grammatical Correctness – 0

Organization – 0

Style/Tone – 0

Communication – 0

Jack succeeded in defeating a total of 0 nuts because he refused to buy a nutcracker or ANY kitchen appliance at all, for that matter. The only article this month without a single kitchen tool in it was Jack’s. Thus, when a chocolate-covered Almighty Almond came Jack’s way, he attempted to eat it using his mouth alone. (Jack forgot that man does nut live by mouth alone, but by every nutcracker that comes from the Pampered Chef’s website.) Although Jack may have earned points for alter-nut-ive defense strategies, his plan failed, so he wouldn’t have gained any points anyway. Don’t be like Jack. Buy a Pampered Chef nutcracker, and save your life.

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Kate Michael – Missions Columnist

Timeliness – 4

Knowledgeability – 4

Grammatical Correctness – 5

Organization – 5

Style/Tone – 5

Communication – 4

Kate’s the imagi-nut-ive tribute. She thinks up entertaining stories to distract the nuts and then viciously, stealthily smashes them open. Her tales attract the nuts like a mag-nut, but as soon as the nuts come close enough, Kate whips out Ol’ Faithful and shatters the shells. Kate’s stories also make for great campfire stories, so she’d be a terrific ally for those who still need bedtime stories to fall asleep.

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Natalie Finch – Bible Columnist

Timeliness – 5

Knowledgeability – 5

Grammatical Correctness – 5

Organization – 4

Style/Tone – 4

Communication – 5

Insan-nut-ty. That’s all I have to say about Nutty Nat. Just kidding, there’s so much more to Nutty Natty than her insan-nut-ty. She’s also caring, cool, and compassion-nut, so if you need an ally to just chill with sometimes, you can-nut go wrong with Nat.

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*Special thanks to Josiah Monfreda, Corrie Anna Campbell, Haley Moore, and Henia Grajcar, our guest writers for the Heroes of the Reformation Column.*

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I am so glad I had the opportu-nut-y to work with you all!

Affectio-nut-ly,

Hannah

 

P.S. – no columnists were actually killed in the process of The CrockPot Hunger Games. All tributes are all very much alive in real life (I hope.)

 

Photo Credits:

https://www.amazon.com/Good-Cook-Lobster-Cracker-Nutcracker/dp/B003XPH7DC

https://www.amazon.com/Kitchen-Basics-Heavy-Cracker-Adjustable/dp/B00JJYG72S

http://www.kidslovenutcrackers.com/lessons_3.htm

10 Comments

  1. KNOWLEDGEABLITY 4?!?! I mean, what… that’s just patently absurd. #FakeNews

    • Four to SIX, because you were generally accurate despite your lack of sources but then the CrockPot manual quote was just off. Idk why your editor would even let you publish that, smh.

  2. *grins* *dies laughing* EEEEYYYY, I WON THE HUNGER GAMES! XD

  3. Thank you so much Hannah!!! #besteditorever

  4. Lol, this was a great article! This section deserves all the high ratings, especially Abigail’s 6 for timeliness – she’s just awesome like that 😛

  5. Marlee VanDuzer

    It looks like I wasn’t the only one who received all O’s, Jack. xD Very well done, Hannah! =P

  6. Oh so I forgot to comment earlier, but this is amazing, well done. =D