Meet Your Favorite Teacher: The Stand Mixer

While my fellow CrockPotters are going to do something silly for April, I decided to not follow the current and write about an actual teacher, namely, our first teacher ever: the stand mixer.

I interviewed some of the most prominent stand mixers who were willing to be interviewed for their adoring public: Cuisinart, Bosch Universal, The Kitchen Aid, and TheCrockPot SM. They were very cooperative and allowed me to fill out their questionnaires with whatever I wanted.

According to Wikipedia, which the stand mixer assures is a reliable and citable source, the stand mixer was made in 1908 by Herbet Johnson (applause to Mr. Johnson for making such a reliable and unbeatable teacher). Of course, such a revolutionary event would not go unnoticed by Mr. Johnson’s adoring public as they forgot about him and paid more attention to his wonderful creation.

Currently, the four interviewed standing mixers live in a certain kitchen, but they look forward to retire from their heavy work and find a safe haven in the dumpster where they will spend their last days before they are recycled and reborn as new appliances (though they claim they don’t believe in reincarnation).

Unlike humans, the standing mixer is replaceable. So if you dislike what your standing mixer is teaching you, I (and they) recommend getting a new one. The Cuisinart SM-55 is a great choice for a beautiful blend of things you like. And also unlike humans, you can personalize your standing mixer with stickers and make it teach you what you want it to teach you.

You’ll learn so much! If the Cuisinart doesn’t work for you, you can get the Bosch Universal. Like its name implies, you can add anything in the universe you want from it—from eggs with the shells to personality traits to stars and rectangular-circles (rectacles)!

When asked about what they teach and why they do it, the standing mixer graciously stared back at me in confusion. Obviously, it teaches the basics of life with its handy instruction manual. It allows us to beat it, toss things inside (not just at) it, and break it after a number of years of use. You certainly cannot do that with a human teacher or you will probably go to detention/jail/the executioner’s axe.

But most importantly, it’s cheap. Ranging from 418 dollars to 189.99 dollars, the domestic warranty is about two years on average, which is one more year than a normal school teacher will give you.

Of course, we must applaud our Home Economics teachers in TPS for becoming such reliable instructors on the fine art of learning from a stand mixer. The four stand mixers definitely did applaud all home economics teachers, cooks, and stay-at-home mothers.

Their favorite food is usually dough, which they violently and loudly chew with gusto. For them, color does not matter much, though they do prefer white, gray, and red. But, as they wisely quote, “The student is always right!”

Their favorite verse is Genesis 19:3—“But [Abraham] insisted so strongly that [the angels] did go with him and entered his house. He prepared a meal for them, baking bread without yeast, and they ate.” According to them–wait, no, the Bible–it shows the importance of bread to the world; even angels like to eat it. And that “shows how important we [the stand mixers] are to the world of pleasing angels and God.”

For the students, Kitchen Aid said, “Work your best, and buy my siblings for a very reasonable price.”

“For the teachers,” Cuisinart added, “Make sure to buy two of me. You never know how much you can learn from one stand mixer. But with two, the possibilities are endless.”





  1. Haha, this is great!!

  2. We kill the bread! Poor bread…

  3. “But most importantly, it’s cheap. Ranging from 418 dollars to 189.99 dollars”

    $418-$189.99. Around $250 dollars for a high-tech teacher when a spoon is all I need ^.^