Humor

I’M GONNA SKEWER YOU ALL WITH THIS EVAL

Although my columnists (hopefully) do not know it yet, they are about to suffer heart attacks from horror or at least be slightly amused by an editors’ eval the Senior Editors so kindly asked me to write. (Basically Rae was like, “Go and write an eval for each of your columnists, and here’s the billion and one things you have to give them a grade on. Oh and by the way, you have to incorporate a kitchen utensil into it, such as a cheese cloth. Also be sure to make them funny and don’t worry about being evil. Thanks, bye!”) …thank you, Senior Editors. So now to commence (hurrah for meta discourse). Columnists…brace yourselves. To anyone else who’s reading this…all I can say is: kitchen skewer.

Josiah DeBoer

Creativity: 1 – The content of your articles isn’t creative at all. It’s highly scientific, well researched, extraordinarily philosophical wisdom, aimed to either help or completely obliterate our everyday relationships. So for wisdom and practical, lifesaving advice I give you a 5. Creativity…eh, not so much.

Timeliness: 4

Knowledge: 5 – Very knowledgable…especially when suggesting to eat jello with our crushes or dating seniors.

Grammatical Correctness: 3 – Have you ever heard of a comma before?

Organization: 5

Style/Tone: 5

Communication: 4 I TOLD YOU TO FIX THOSE COMMAS, AND YOU STILL DIDN’T.

Potential to create chaos: 10000000000000000000

Team Rae Loyalty: 0 *throws a fishhead and salsa at you for this*

Tips for improvement: I would suggest introducing the kitchen-skewer-solution in one of your relationship articles. In case you are unaware of this tactic, I will have written a grand total of six sentences on it by the end of this paragraph. To use this tactic, when you’re in an awkward conversation and your mind blanks out completely and despite your intellect you can find nothing brilliant to say, you replace any potential mumbling or awkward silence with the words “kitchen skewer.” For instance, if a random person named Chuck asks you, “Soo, who’s your crush?” and you really don’t want to talk about this, reply matter of factly, “Kitchen skewer.” It solves a lot of problems. *nods* I highly suggest mentioning that idea in a future relationship article.

 

Jake Moore:

Creativity: 3 – I’m not sure I would call it creative when you interview all these well known characters. I would label it instead as brave. I know you’ve risked your life as well as the state of your office by allowing certain persons to come under your interrogation.

Timeliness: 2 – PUHLEEESEEEE SAVE ME AND SEND YOUR STUFF IN ON TIME. *cough* jk, mostly.

Knowledge: 5

Grammatical Correctness: 4

Organization: 1 – Maybe it would be better if you organized your office to be more…safe. That is––baby proof, Kylo Ren-proof, Groot-proof. I’d also suggest putting your timer in a bullet-proof, pentagon-style-safe box? And maybe surround yourself with a personal body guard cause some of those characters seem a bit sketchy to me.

Style/Tone: 5 – I’m amazed at the relatively calm persona you assume while fantastical creatures are destroying your possessions.

Communication: 1 – Maybe actually get to some interviews.

Potential to create chaos: Prettyyyy high on the scale.

Tips for improvement: If your budget isn’t going to allow you to afford a full-scale body guard I would suggest instead arming yourself with a kitchen skewer during your interviews. Not only is this weapon singularly harmless-at-first-sight and easy to hide, but it is also particularly deadly, especially when the subjects being interviewed are small pieces of pork and bell peppers, in which case you can make shish kabobs if they try to attack you.

 

Anna Jacobs:

Creativity: 4 – Sorry, I had to take away one point because HOW COULD YOU NOT HAVE ANY IDEA ON HOW TO INCORPORATE A KITCHEN SCALE INTO A CARTOON??? Oh wait never mind, that fish one was actually really good. *cough*

Timeliness: 5

Knowledge: 5 (Thou knowest muchest about animals.)

Grammatical Correctness: 5  – You write basically no words to correct grammatically, which I am totally fine with.

Organization: 5

Style/Tone: 5

Communication: 5

Potential to create chaos: 1 – We need nice calm people like you to counter the effects of crazy peoples like, erm, certain relationship columnists or character interviewers.

Tips for improvement: Soooo I hate to bring this up so late, buuuuut could you please put some…um…clothes on your cartoon characters? I mean, I know they’re all animals and blah blah blah, but seriously, it violates the TPS standards for pictures and stuff. I had a cartoonist last year whose characters were talking potatoes and they weren’t wearing any clothes either, so I’m not sure why this is a recurring issue for my cartoonists, but please put some clothes on your animal characters in case we have horrified parents complaining about the content of our school’s e-zine. Much appreciation in advance. (If you’re not sure what type of clothes to put on them, I’d suggest just making garments out of kitchen skewers until they kind of look like a pile of sticks clumped together and then just sort of plopping them on top of your characters. Modesty’s important, ya know?)

 

Erin Speed:

Creativity: 5

Timeliness: 1 (before you figured out that clay had deadlines), but now 5ish (once you figured out that clay does actually have deadlines XDDD).

Knowledge: 5

Grammatical Correctness: 5 (I love cartoons…they have so few sentences that I dont has to correct any grammars.)

Organization: 5

Style/Tone: 5

Communication: 4 – Kudos to you for being able to communicate with me even though we’re like in totally opposite time zones and even though we had the email mixup at the beginning of the year.

Potential to create chaos: 3

Tips for advice: Don’t get me wrong: I love your cartoons. They’re super adorable. But I feel bad for them. Their noses are SO TINY. They basically have little pixel sized carrot symbols to breathe out of, and it’s just so painful to look at. HOW DO THEY SURVIVE??? I suggest replacing those agonizingly minuscule noses with kitchen skewers instead. Yes, maybe they’ll look a bit like Pinocchio, but I mean, long noses are all the rage if you’re a cartoon character like Sponge Bob, or Jafar, or…Snape (who isn’t cartoon but whatever). You get my point.

 

Rob Speed

Creativity: 5

Timeliness: uh *facedesk* =D

Knowledge: 5, your knowledge on Legos (or Lego?) amazes me.

Grammatical Correctness: 5 in cartoons, 2 in Meet the Staff Article. xP

Organization: 5 – I like how your cartoons are organized into nice little panels. It’s beautiful.

Style/Tone: 4 – Very big fan of those hairstyles your characters wear. But maybe they could take a tip from Josiah DeBoer’s articles and start wearing man buns? Just a thought.

Communication: 4

Potential to create chaos: 4 ish 5?

Tips for improvement – I’m sorry but between you and your sister, your cartoon characters must be suffering from severe suffocation (consonance ftw). Your cartoon characters, unlike your sister’s, HAVE NO NOSES AT ALL. I know, I know, they’re Legos, which almost never have noses. And I’m not telling you to go and start a civil rights movement on behalf of Legos and their breathing entitlements in front of the Lego headquarters. I’m saying you need, need, need, to use this kitchen skewer idea that I’ve been subtly hinting at all along and stick some kitchen skewer noses on those Legos. Maybe some hot glue should do the trick.

10 Comments

  1. Ouch, skewering noses sounds… painful XD

  2. Lol!! What’s with all the kitchen skewers?

  3. Wooooowwwwwwwww

  4. Haha the URL

  5. Thanks Jacey. I knew you’d finally catch on to the magic that is URL’s

  6. Love the URL XD

  7. Matthew and Mark would look so hot with man buns and skewer noses. 8D REVOLUTIONARY IDEAS WOOT
    aw dont worry im gonna get better at deadlines
    no wait
    my article is late
    OOF

  8. I believe that you are mistaken; that is not a consonance. It is a Kitchen Skewer.