Sports, Spotlight

Crockpot Timer Poster Boy

Yeah, that’s it. Only Brady has ever played in eight Super Bowls. In his eighteen year career as a quarterback for the New England Patriots, Brady has gone to the Super Bowl almost every other year on average. Because of this, many people see him as the G.O.A.T. or Greatest of All-Time, at least when quarterbacks are concerned. However, because of various scandals involving the Patriots organization, namely “Spygate” and “Deflategate,” his legacy has been marred, making some people truly question his greatness. Proponents of his GOATness say his other years of success outweigh the two scandals, while opponents will argue he probably cheated during those years too. However, to those opponents of Brady, the secret to his success, especially the ridiculous, repetitive, and redundant comebacks he makes, has now been revealed to the mass public. And, no, I’m talking talking about that new book (TB12 Method). This secret is a real thing, a real deal that anyone can use.

Presenting the Kitchen Timer! This seemingly easy to use device will revolutionize your football playing game. With a not-annoying-whatsoever constant clicking noise and a fantastically designed round top impossible to balance anything on top of, the Kitchen Timer is the one thing you need to complete your football training regimen. Forget stopwatches and alarms that you can use on your phone and stick in your pocket that measures down to the hundredth of a second. Instead, use the oldie-but-goodie Kitchen Timer that really only measures to five minute increments.

Now, why take my word for it? Let’s use the Tom Brady example again and really prove how this simple timer can change your game. Throughout the preseason and season before his legacy-creating game known as Super Bowl XXXVI, Brady must have used the Kitchen Timer. What reasoning do I have for this? Well, during that Super Bowl, Brady and Patriots had the ball with only 1:30 left on the game clock, with the score tied at 17 all. While some may argue the skill of the Patriots or the masterful play calling by Coach Bill Belichick may have won the game for New England, does that really make sense? No, it does not. Rather, the use of training with the Kitchen Timer really made them shine. Used to practicing hard with a timer that is delightfully confusing 99% of the time, seeing the numbers at the Super Bowl made into easy to read digits would have made Brady feel at ease. Instead of having to guess if he had zero or five minutes left like training with a kitchen timer makes him do during practice, having an accurate clock made him know exactly what to do and when to do it.

I can already hear some people saying, “Wait a minute, wouldn’t it be easier to just practice with a normal clock?” That may be the case, but practice should be harder than the game. If someone practices at a level harder than they need to compete at, then the competition will be easy. Because he practices with such an amazingly complicated and obscure piece of equipment, Brady then is able to play at an incredibly high level. In fact, as he grows older, his eyesight deteriorates slightly, making the job of reading a kitchen timer even more difficult. This difficulty enables him to realize how much easier it is to read a digital clock and compete at a high-level, even in his relatively old age as a NFL quarterback.

Disclaimer: This article was in no way sponsored by the people who create the Kitchen Timer. And no, there also was totally no under the table deals with people who were definitely not wearing black suits and kitchen timers. And these people definitely did not hand me briefcases full of money.


  1. *dies laughing*

  2. I don’t like Brady AT ALL but that meme made me laugh *applauds*

  3. haaaaaaaaaaaaa

  4. GOAT???? GOAT??? ARE YOU KIDDING ME???? *rages for all those misrepresented Falcons fans*