Disclaimer: This article is the exclusive property of Jake Moore and the Crockpot magazine. It may not be used, viewed, printed, used as a recipe for brownies (trust me, it does not work; I tried it), mixed into cookies (it also does not work), or folded into a corkscrew (none of these things really work) without the expressed consent of Jake Moore and the Crockpot magazine.
Jake: Greetings, ladies and gentlemen (and non-TPSers)! Well, it’s April, the time for Easter eggs, sugar rushes, and pranks dreamed up by mischievous Senior Editors… ahem. You may have noticed my disclaimer about some random Crockpot. Don’t ask me. Talk to the editors. Anyway, I would like to introduce my disaster… ahem, interviewee for this month. Please welcome the Pampered… wait, no, sorry… the Swedish Chef!
Swedish Chef: (waving two wooden spoons) Boort! Boort! Boort! (throws spoons over shoulders)
Jake: Ok, so far so good. So, what destruction – I mean, wonderful dish – would you like to show us today?
Swedish Chef: Toodee, we’re gonna make somethin’ with this handy tool here.
Jake: A corkscrew? Uh, you know this is a grade school ezine, right?
Swedish Chef: Uh? Oh. Well, we’re gonna make der southern fried chick’n.
Jake: Ok, if you say so.
Swedish Chef: (takes a squawking chicken and puts it on the table, begins screwing the corkscrew above the chicken’s back)
Jake: Um, that’s not how you use a corkscrew.
Swedish Chef: Oh? Oh. Hm. (shrugs, throws chicken over shoulder) We’re gonna make der tomater zoup. (takes out a can of tomato soup, begins using the corkscrew on its side)
Jake: Uh, be careful! You’re gonna spill the soup!
Swedish Chef: Uh?
Jake: Ah, too late! (Grabs a random piece of paper and tries to mop up the mess) Wait a sec, this is my research paper!
Swedish Chef: Oops.
Jake: You don’t use a corkscrew to open soup cans, you know.
Swedish Chef: Oh? Oh. Hm. (shrugs, throws soup can over shoulder; soup can smashes on the wall)
Jake: Ok, what are you going to try using that thing on next?
Swedish Chef: We’re gonna make der sperghetti. (takes spaghetti noodles in a bowl and begins spinning them round and round with the corkscrew)
Jake: (ducking flying pasta) Watch where you fling that stuff!
Swedish Chef: Derbee, derbee, derbee, doo…
Jake: Ok, stop!!! Stop!
Swedish Chef: Uh?
Jake: You don’t use a corkscrew to make pasta!
Swedish Chef: Oh? Oh. Hm. (throws bowl of pasta over shoulder)
Jake: I’m scared to see what’s next…
Swedish Chef: Hm?
Jake: Ahem, I mean, what’s next? I can’t wait…
Swedish Chef: We’re gonna make der mashed potatoes.
Jake: Oh boy…
Swedish Chef: (takes out potatoes on a cutting board and begins using the corkscrew on one)
Potato: (begins squealing with laughter) That tickles!
Jake: Dude, you don’t use a corkscrew on potatoes!
Swedish Chef: No?
Jake: Nope. You use a corkscrew to open bottles.
Swedish Chef: Oooooh. (throws potato over shoulder)
Swedish Chef: (pulls out a baby bottle and begins using the corkscrew on it)
Jake: No! Not that kind of bottle!
Swedish Chef: No? Oh, okee. (throws baby bottle over shoulder, pulls out another bottle)
Jake: Dude, that’s a Sprite. You don’t use a corkscrew to open a soda.
Swedish Chef: No? Oh. Hm.
Jake: By the way, if you don’t need that Sprite…
Swedish Chef: (throws the Sprite over his shoulder) Bort! Bort! Bort!
Jake: Ok, never mind.
Swedish Chef: Now, we’re gonna make der…
(Beep! Beep! Beep!)
Jake: Ah! Out of time. It was fun, though.
Swedish Chef: That’s my timer for der apple pie!
Jake: Oh. Nuts.
Swedish Chef: Apple, not nuts.
Jake: Sorry. Can I try some of that pie?
Swedish Chef: (takes a pie out of oven) Do you use a corkscrew on an apple pie?
Jake: Uh… no, but…
Swedish Chef: Oh. Hm. (throws pie over shoulder)
Jake: NOOOOO!!! (makes a diving catch and saves the pie) Phew!
(Beep! Beep! Beep!)
Jake: Is that mine or yours?
Swedish Chef: Yours.
Jake: Well, we’re out of time. Say goodbye, Chefy…
Swedish Chef: Bye, bye!
Jake: See you next time readers. Until next time… Wait, what are you doing to my chair with that corkscrew??
This article is sponsored by the Pampered Chef. And yes, they suggested a few product plugs here and there.
P.S. If any of you guys have never heard of the Swedish Chef, this link is a clip you can watch. It is almost as good as something I might write!