It’s time to bring something new to the table.
This is your friendly neighborhood General News Columnist, and ordinarily you’d see me telling the world about how terrible the weather’s been in the U.S. recently or something equally newsworthy and demanding of a journalist’s perspective. But News is probably overrated — and let’s be honest, the Humor articles always get more comments. So today, on behalf of the The CrockPotⓇ and the Pampered ChefⓇ, I’m reporting live on the health benefits of an absolutely revolutionary sugar substitute!
For years, you’ve been hearing about how terrible sugar is for your health. Someday, you’re going to stop consuming this magical, maddening substance. But how, exactly, are you supposed to give up the scoop of rainbow sherbet or the Christmas morning cinnamon roll? And what about Nutella? France literally rioted over it, and if we’re honest with ourselves, deep down inside, we all feel the same way about the luscious chocolate spread, two tablespoons of which supplies your daily serving of sugar.
Don’t worry, folks; as always, The CrockPotⓇ has an answer. It doesn’t even involve Mount Doom! Shall we serve up this proposition? Just make sure to stop by Melika Minaar’s page and grab some pot holders first — it’s a hot one.
Honey: (n.) a sweet, viscid fluid produced by bees from the nectar collected from flowers, and stored in nests or hives as food.
That about says it all. You can spread honey on bread (see ya, Nutella). You can stir it into oatmeal. You can use it in baking whenever you would ordinarily use sugar. Also, the use of honey makes you look trendy because diets are cool. Y’all, this stuff is gold.
Of course, there’s still one point we need to clear up.
What about coffee? you ask. You can’t put honey in coffee.
Who needs coffee? I answer.
Honey goes very nicely with tea. If you won’t listen to reason, then I suppose you can simply say coffee’s the exception that proves the honey-for-sugar substitution rule. Or you could just drink it black. Your funeral.
Now, one final thing to sweeten the deal before you rush off to the store to obsessively snatch every jar of honey from the shelves. Despite what Cassie Disharoon and Measuring Man say, spoons just don’t cut it anymore when it comes to serving honey. You could try the meat tenderizer endorsed by Jack Livingstone (it works on meat, why not honey), but I think you’ll find what you really need is a honey drizzler.
Honey’s just not complete without one of these delightful gadgets. Be honest; have you ever seen honey advertised without one? I didn’t think so. Better yet, honey drizzlers are very versatile. Use your dazzlin’ drizzler for anything from peanut butter to yogurt to a bee-you-tiful table centerpiece (trust me, it’ll establish quite the aesthetic.)
It’s a fact — honey drizzlers make anything better. So what are you waiting for? It’s time to buy. Want to get a discount online and receive a free honey drizzler of your very own? Post “Pretty please with honey on top” to the social media platform of your choice (to all the lonely G+ users out there, I had you in mind) and tag The CrockPotⓇ for your discount. Hashtags are encouraged. This is the sweetest deal you’ll ever find.
Only while supplies last. Void where prohibited. Ends April 16th at 11:59 p.m. This discount may not be viewed, used, or distributed by persons not currently registered with The Potter’s School. The Pampered ChefⓇ and The CrockPotⓇ reserve the right to cancel this offer or postpone it indefinitely.
My son, eat honey, for it is good, and the drippings of the honeycomb are sweet to your taste. -Proverbs 24:13.
Image Graphic. Created by Maria Copeland with Canva. Quote from The Greatest Showman, 2017 musical.
Nutella ‘riots’ spread across French supermarkets. http://www.bbc.com/news/world-europe-42826028
Definition of honey. http://www.dictionary.com/browse/honey?s=t
Proverbs 24:13. https://www.blueletterbible.org/esv/pro/24/13/s_652013