Theology & Worldview

An Apologetic Defense of an Apple Slicer

First off, I must beg your forgiveness. All this year, I have stood before you under the title of apologetics columnist, and not once have I issued any sort of an apology. James White would be appalled. Let me remedy that in this article. I am so sorry for my previous shortcomings.

Anyways, here at The Crockpot®, and our object is the humble and lonely apple slicer. Frequently, it seems that the apple slicer is forgotten in the world of modern kitchen appliances. “After all,” says the harried chef, “can’t a knife adequately cut an apple?”

Forgive my forwardness. The answer is a resounding “NO!”

There is no tool that can be used to cut an apple that even approaches the level of the tool designed to do it. This makes sense. Just as the coffee maker is designed to make coffee and the Venus flytrap designed to eat flies, an apple slicer is designed to cut apples. Also, like all these things, the apple slicer was made by an intelligent creator, for a specific purpose. Therefore, the apple slicer is evidence for intelligent design.

A second point in the apple slicer’s favor is that it is shaped like a circle. A circle stands for perfection—obviously indicating that it is the perfect tool with which to cut an apple. It is also, if you will forgive the comparison, shaped like a wheel, obviously a symbol of the wheels in Ezekiel 1. Therefore, apple slicers, these perfect circles, exist to proclaim God’s glory.

One valid complaint can be raised against the apple slicer: “But I will only ever have one purpose for it, and it will take up so much room in my kitchen!” I say this is valid. In actuality, nothing could be further from the truth. After all, how many uses are there for a ladle, other than to serve soup? Does the everyday chef employ his turkey baster more than a couple times a year, for Thanksgiving and perhaps Christmas? Unlikely. The apple slicer takes up little more room than these annually used appliances, and will in fact be used far more often than either of them. It is universally accepted that someone in possession of a proper slicer will eat apples far more often than someone who simply uses a knife [Institute of Adequate Apple Consumption].  So, apologies to whoever came up with this supposedly valid argument that there is not room in the kitchen for the apple slicer. You’re wrong.

In short, the apple slicer is a worthy investment. Not only does it point to God, but it is a helpful tool for any chef, professional or amateur, to have in their kitchen. Forgive me for my honest stance: You must always have an apple slicer. More than one is best.  Get one today if you haven’t already.



  1. Wow, GJ, Faith! Lol! Nice!

  2. Haha I love it, lol

  3. That’s it, Faith. I’m convinced. I’m ready to go out into the world and slice apples for the glory of God.

  4. And yet I eat so many apples without a slicer

  5. Cheers loves, the cavalry’s here!