As many of you may have heard, clay, formerly known as The Cracked Pot, will soon be changing its name to The CrockPot®. In light of this auspicious news, I decided to have a little chat with The CrockPot’s® sponsor, The Pampered Chef. The company’s owner, yes, the pampered chef himself, agreed to meet for a brief interview. A particular excerpt which stood out to me in its brilliance is transcribed below:
PAMPERED CHEF: I believe many kitchen utensils are left under-used.
ME: Such as?
I attempted to schedule an interview with some tongs, but they politely declined.
I gathered additional opinions on the matter from other respected members of the cooking community (such as the Pillsbury Doughboy), who all agreed that tongs need to be reprioritized in the kitchen.
So, I thought, this seems to be a real issue in our society. What can I do to make a change? I’m just a book columnist! Then it hit me – tongs…books…why hadn’t anybody thought of this before?
Say you’re at the stove stirring something delicious in a pan. Wait, you think, how long am I supposed to be stirring this again? You glance over at the cookbook on the other side of the kitchen, which, of course, is open to the previous page. You reach out to turn the page, but it’s just beyond your grasp. If only you had something to cover the distance so you can turn the page!
Ladies and gentlemen, TONGS!
You have them in the kitchen, and they tend to simply sit useless in the drawer, poor things. By putting them to such good use, not only are you helping to avoid a tong uprising, but you’re making yourself feel better by not harboring a complete waste of ten dollars in your kitchen drawer!
However, tongs are not just useful in turning cookbook pages.
Let’s take a look at over-dramatic infomercial-like situation number two.
Say you’re reading in the bathtub, like those people do in movies (oftentimes magically doing so without getting the book soaked, water-stained, or otherwise physically damaged), but you realize that you’re not in a movie, making your book subject to aforementioned soaking, water stains, and other physically damaging disasters. How to hold the book above the water without tainting its pure pages with my water-pruned fingers? you wonder.
My answer: TONGS!
By clamping the tongs down between the book pages you’re reading, I can guarantee your book will not be damaged by the elements. And, as an added benefit, if you do drop your book in the bathtub, tongs can make for an easy retrieval mechanism.
Finally, let’s turn to dramatic situation number three.
Say you need to set down a book, but you realize in anxious dismay that you have no bookmarks!
TONGS MAKE FOR AMAZING BOOKMARKS AS WELL!
Who wants thin, hard-to-flip paper bookmarks, or the easily undone dog-ear bookmarks, or the someone-moved-my-book-and-now-I-need-to-waste-twenty-minutes-finding-my-spot “flipping the book over” method when you can have easy and permanent tongs to hold your reading spot? The tong method makes any other bookmark option appear foolish!
As I conclude, readers, I wish to encourage you: let’s reintegrate the once-so-integral tongs into our daily lives, if not in the kitchen, then in our reading habits. Let’s change the human world and the lives of tongs with every word we read.