Arts & Culture

Watched At 2x Speed: PO-TAY-TOES

Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring

Year: 2001

Director: Peter Jackson

MPAA Rating: PG-13 for epic battle sequences and some scary images


Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers

Year: 2002

Director: Peter Jackson

MPAA Rating: PG-13 for epic battle sequences and scary images


Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King

Year: 2003

Director: Peter Jackson

MPAA Rating: Rated PG-13 for intense epic battle sequences and frightening images


The Lord of the Rings trilogy contains numerous characters, but they are fleshed out fully. By the end of The Return of the King, after this ending, and that ending, and twelve other endings, you can name up to…five characters. The first one’s title boasts a “Fellowship” that doesn’t happen until the halfway mark, and the second film is completely forgettable, excepting the final battle of Helm’s Deep that features a competition between two people of different ethnicities to see who can kill the most (a race between races?).

I watched the trilogy at 2x speed. Yes, you can judge me. Let’s do the math. The Fellowship of the Ring is 178 minutes; The Two Towers is 179 minutes; The Return of the King is 201 minutes. Does it look like I have nine-hours and eighteen minutes to watch all this (don’t get me started on the extended editions)?

Short Answer: Yes.

Long Answer: Yessssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss.

Why? Because potato mashers. Potatoes, you can boil ‘ em, mash ‘em, stick em in a stew. That’s not the only specialty and uniqueness of potatoes. Potatoes can grow nearly everywhere (I say “nearly” because we have yet to plant one on Mars—shoot, Matt Damon did it already, didn’t he?). After the nine hours of watching hobbits walk through the length and width of New Zealand three times, you’ll be turned into a couch potato. I think it is safe to say that this trilogy is a propaganda piece for potatoes.

Here’s another question: what if this trilogy was released today? It wouldn’t stand well with audiences, simply because everyone is too white. Name a non-white character in the films. Go ahead, I’ll wait. Even when Gandalf the Grey dies, he comes back “Gandalf the White” as if the white wasn’t white enough. In fact, the only POC (person of color) that plays an important character is a Urak-Hai, and that is beneath layers of makeup. Imagine if a couple characters were of different ethnicities. Imagine a Chinese Frodo, or a black Elrond. What if short people actually played the hobbits? (#ShortPeopleUnite) What if a demented, two-sided creature actually played Gollum? (#FreaksUnite) What if Legolas was played by an actual hot guy?  Boom. I said it. It may come as a surprise, but I am a fan of Sean Bean playing Boromir.  This is the first and only time he has died in a movie—it’s good to see a change. All in all, from the power characters, to the beautiful scenery and groundbreaking CGI, The Lord of the Rings trilogy is a visual masterpiece. Indeed, by the end, Peter Jackson, the master of powerful messages, makes one thing crystal clear. Whatever you do in life and whatever you go through—whether or not it is as monumental and important as Frodo’s journey—it remains a fact that nothing can ever replace potato mashers as the most important item you can bring with you on a trip.

4 Comments

  1. h o n e s t l y the potatoes scene will be my all time favorite movie scene

  2. I love the Lord of the Rings! I guess I never really thought about all the characters being white. But still, it is my favorite movie! And I love the Potatoes scene!

  3. This is genius. Absolute genius. I love Lord of the Rings, but this article…oh my word. XD

  4. Dang dude I love this series so much but you’ve got some good points XD