Greetings, readers! I am very happy to announce that I have reached what I believe to be a huge milestone in my student journalism career: I was invited to interview an up-and-coming superhero at Comic-Con! Though it occurred back in July 2017, I have finally stolen – I mean, been granted – the rights to share the interview with my faithful audience. Introducing, Measuring Man!
Cassie Disharoon: Hello! Thank you for meeting with me. How have you enjoyed Comic-Con so far?
Measuring Man: Well, as a superhero whose movie trilogy has not been finalized yet, no one really knows who I am. But I’ve been teaching them about my measuring spoons, so that has helped. I think I’ve convinced some people to cosplay as me next year.
CD: I’m sorry, if I may, did you say measuring spoons?
MM: Oh, of course! That’s what I’m all about.
CD: Could you elaborate on that?
MM: Measuring spoons were the inspiration for my crime-fighting lifestyle, actually. You know, not all crimes are the same, and so they don’t all need the same amount of punishment. Breaking and entering? A teaspoon of justice. Robbery? Try two-thirds of a tablespoon. Murder? Three whole tablespoons. You can’t just eyeball the measurement of a criminal’s sentence.
CD: Right… so, are you involved in the prosecution process? The average superhero typically only catches the bad guys, and the police take care of the rest.
MM: I am somewhat involved in that process. There isn’t a whole lot I have been able to do at the scene of the crime, because my body is literally made up of six measuring spoons. I can scoop people up, but besides that I don’t have many powers. Even then, my other spoons are flying all over the place. I am able to be much more helpful in a courtroom, where everyone is seated and still.
CD: So since your movie franchise is still in development, is there any product the fans can gain access to? Do you have your own measuring spoon brand?
MM: I do indeed. They even include spoons with difficult measurements, like a two tablespoon and a three-fourths teaspoon. They take all the counting out of your cooking.
CD: I see–so, have any celebrities endorsed your measuring spoons?
MM: Oh, of course. You know Kylie Cosmetics? They use my authentic measuring spoon brand to make makeup. Rachael Ray uses my spoons because that’s, like, the one tool that she hasn’t made her own name-brand product out of.
CD: That’s very interesting! I know a fellow writer who I imagine would be very intrigued by your product. *makes a mental note to talk to Webley Woods*
MM: You can purchase them for the low price of 500 dollars on my website, which is—
CD: Sorry to interrupt, but did you say 500 dollars? Who pays that much for a set of measuring spoons?
MM: Most prefer to go with our payment plan, which includes just 500 payments of one dollar.
CD: Oh, of course, because that makes so much sense…
MM: I know! It was my idea.
CD: Well, it looks like that’s all the time we have!
MM: But we’ve only been talking for five minutes…
CD: Yep, I’m a very busy girl. Thank you so much for your time, sir. *rushes out of the room*
In summary, my first interview was… interesting, to say the least. I’m contractually obligated to tell you to go see Measuring Man’s movies when they come out, and that you should go check out his official website here. I might be sued by the Measuring Man franchise if I tell you my actual thoughts on the interview, but since said franchise doesn’t really exist yet, I’m going to take that chance. This guy is crazy, but he does have a good idea going for him with those unique measurements on his spoons…