Disclaimer: This article is the exclusive property of Jake Moore and clay magazine. It may not be used, viewed, printed, thrown onto a racetrack, raised as a flag, thrown in a junkyard, used to fix a car, or used as racing fuel without the expressed consent of Jake Moore and clay magazine.
Jake: Greetings once again, readers! Once again, I attempt to interview a fictional character and end up extremely frustrated, ignored, and/or weirded out, all for your hilarity and enjoyment. So please, enjoy it.
Mater: I don’t think I understood nuthin’ of what you said.
Jake: Dude! I haven’t introduced you yet!
Mater: I can introduce myself though!
Jake: Oh, well, in that… wait, what?
Mater: I’m Mater! Like Tow-Mater, but without the ‘Tuh’!
Jake: Ok, now you’ve introduced yourself.
Mater: Yeah, but to who?
Jake: The readers.
Mater: What readers? I don’t see nobody.
Jake: I’m recording this so I can just type it up later. Sometimes I break down the fourth wall, but the readers aren’t in the room.
Mater: I didn’t see you break down any walls. You must be stronger than Frank!
Jake: No, not literally breaking down a wall. It’s a figure of speech.
Mater: I didn’t see you breaking down any figures either. Or speeches.
Jake: Just drop it.
Mater: Drop what?
Jake: The subject.
Mater: What, this subject? (holds up math book on tow-hook)
Jake: Hey! I need that! (takes math book)
Mater: Then which subject do you want me to drop?
Jake: Uhh… (picks up random book off desk) here, drop this.
Mater: (Looks at cover) But this ain’t a subject. It says “Lordy of the Ring-dings”.
Jake: What!? (grabs book) Don’t drop that!
Mater: But you just told me to!
Jake: Just… forget it.
Mater: Well, I’ll try. But I still haven’t seen you break down any walls, figures, or speeches.
Jake: I’m just the guy who makes people laugh, not Superman. Or any other superhero for that matter.
Mater: Aw, that ain’t nuthin’! I used to be a superhero!
Jake: (Skeptical) really?
Mater: Yep. They called me “Mega-Mater”!
Jake: Oh brother. Can we at least try to get to one question?
Mater: Sure thing!
Jake: Ok, great. Do you still have rocket boosters? (Stares at list) Why is that my first question!?
Mater: ‘Course I still got ‘em! Let give you a little demonstrationary…
Jake: Uh, no, it’s fine, you don’t have to…
Mater: GIT ‘ER DONE!! (Rockets appear and smash Mater through wall. Mater flies back through wall) There you go!
Jake: Why did you do that?
Mater: You said that sometimes you broke down the wall. I wanted to try!
Jake: (face-palm) Oh, good grief!
Mater: Do you still want me to drop a subject?
Jake: No, thanks. I think all the subjects I have right now are too fragile to be dropped.
Mater: Are you sure?
Jake: Almost positive. Thanks for the thought though.
Mater: Ok, sure. Got any more questions for me?
Jake: I did… before you broke down the wall. I’m too afraid to ask you any questions now.
Mater: Alrighty, whatever you say.
(Beep! Beep! Beep!)
Mater: What’s that?
Jake: My timer. It means it’s time to wrap it up.
Mater: If you say so. (Wraps timer with snowman wrapping paper) There you go. That’s a wrap!
Jake: That’s not what I… never mind. See you… oh, wait, I can’t see you guys. I’ll be read by you next time, readers! Say goodbye, Mater.
Mater: See ya! Hey! I can drop this subject for you!
Jake: Not my recorder!
Jake Moore regrets to inform the Potter’s School community that he is resigning from his position as humor columnist. Just kidding! No matter how many times my stuff gets destroyed, I’ll keep on writing. Until someone destroys my Legos. Then I’ll resign.
This article is sponsored by Rust-Eze bumper ointment. Not that any of you guys would need it, ‘cause, well, you’re not cars!