By now, you should all have achieved at least some sort of relationship, due to the advice in this column. (Except for you, you in the back holding hands with your giant teddy bear.) We now come to the sad reality. The first six relationships you’re in, you are contractually obliged to get out of. The people who say that love is at first sight? Yeah, it’s actually the seventh.
But how do you get out of your relationship? Do you take your date out and tell them that it’s not working out? Do you text them? Do you text their mom and hope their mom passes the information on? The answer to that is a no as resounding as the no I would give you when you asked me if you should dye your hair orange. (Clairol Trump: We take no responsibility for Trump’s hair.) That’s the same answer I’d give if you asked if I’m trustworthy. (Me: “Oh shoot – I’m not ready for this. I lied last week, okay?”)
Anyway, there are a few ways that you can effectively break up with someone. As a warning, these are going to be complicated, so if you can’t remember any of these, then a good failsafe is to leave him or her crying on national television. They will never forget you and everything you left them. Plus they’ll get on YouTube and become famous, and who doesn’t like fame?
The different genders are broken up with differently. Consequently, I will give failproof scenarios for each gender.
- Say something ambiguous. One good example would be, “After what happened the other day, my feelings are all out of whack. Yours would be too if you knew what I knew.” Now you might be talking about how weird it is to have finally won the lottery after four decades of attempts, but she’ll be wondering if you’re talking about her. (And if you tell her the real reason, even if she happens to believe you, she’ll wonder why you’re actually in your mid-60’s when you told her you’re 17.)
- Convince them they want to break up with you. Tell them, “Baby, I love you so much. I know I overshot here. I’m dating way out of my league.” Pretty soon they’ll think, “He is out my league. I should break up with him and get him to date someone in his league.” If all goes right, she’ll help get you interested in a different girl to keep you from being so heartbroken. Try and convince her that the person in your league is the really, really, cool girl who actually is out of your league.
- Age. No girl wants to date a man with a combover. Or dentures. Or one that has grandkids. If you find a way to acquire all three of those by the age of eighteen, you’re golden.
- Get a manbun. I don’t know what it is about man buns, but they are the thing that men love and women hate more than anything else in the world. I’d go with #bunsarebread here to help raise awareness, but I don’t want my less intelligent audience to actually eat people’s man buns.
- My wonderful editor suggested this next joke. By which I mean, my editor is normally wonderful. This joke. eh, not so much. (Sorry, Jacey. You’re awesome.) But, since she is a woman (ostensibly), I decided she would know how to break up with herself (also, Jacey, breaking up with yourself is really weird. Why were you dating yourself in the first place?) Anyway, she said, “You could suggest that a guy takes his girlfriend out on a really nice date (goes skydiving with her, takes her out on a limousine ride, visits Paris with her) and then while there, goes down on one knee and says he wants to break up with her and will hate her forever and ever and then walks away. Or something. This will not only give them both wonderful memories to hold onto of each other’s last moments together but it will make her hate the guy very much when he proposes the breakup so that a breakup is almost inevitable.” (I mean, the breakup is pretty much inevitable when you walk out of the helicopter you were waiting to skydive out of. Or do you propose that he wait until he learns to use his parachute?) Maybe he could take her skydiving and then printed on the earth in bold spray-painted letters are the words, “Will You Break Up With Me, Kristin?”
Shoot. I just realized that’s exactly as good as my jokes. Turns out Jacey isn’t editor because she’s incompetent, she’s editor because she isn’t. I had imagined the senior editors would use the same hiring process for editors and writers.
- Tell them you don’t like them. It won’t bother them. Men don’t have feelings. Enough said.
Wow. This article was really sexist, wasn’t it? You know, I actually feel bad about that a little bit. But then I remembered; men are allowed to be sexist; it’s only women that can’t. I can get away with anything, so long as I’m white and male.