The Greatest Story Ever Told


I honestly have no clue why we did this, I think the other Senior Eds were bored, so read at your own risk. We split up our staff into three groups and we had to write a story, so we wrote an epic about Todd, the bipolar fruit and his relationship with a cooked flightless bird and their romantic journey in the midst of a difficult conflict rivaled in intensity only by Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet….


There once was a boy named Todd. Todd ran a race against a fat hen. Todd lost because Todd didn’t have legs. Todd was a cranberry. (Jack)

Feeling the sting of defeat, Todd descended into an existential crisis, from which emerged his epic alter ego, Tater Todd–superhero and savior of Potato Toddlerdom (Piper).

As such, Tater Todd spent his days protecting Potato Toddlerdom from Butterball the Beefy, the fat hen bent on eating the city’s finest ‘90’s rock band, the Cranberries, who recently released a single titled “Eat Mor Beef.” (Hannah)

While Todd didn’t always agree with the Cranberries– he had always admired cows and their satisfaction with just standing there eating grass without feeling bad about losing races, and dreamed of a land where slogans like “Eat Mor Chikin” ran rampant– he hated Butterball more. (Annalee)

So when the Cranberries and Cows decided to launch a war, Tater Todd didn’t know which side to join; both sides had good reasons for fighting against each other (namely, not being eaten by the other), so what could he do? (Aina)

After thinking long and hard about his decision, he decided to join both sides, fighting for the Cranberries as Todd, and fighting for the Cows as his alter ego, Tater Todd. (Allison)


However, he soon faced the challenge of having to be in two places at the same time — a feat he often failed to do well, which began to plant suspicions in his colleagues’ minds. (Cassie)

If only there was a way to create peace between the Cranberries and Cows; if only he could think of a solution that would make him the hero, a title he had hungered for ever since that cloudy afternoon when he had lost the race. (Melika)

Unbeknownst to Todd, someone had been carefully observing his actions as both his alter ego and regular identity–and had seen a startling similarity between the scrawny Todd and the scrawny Tater Todd. (Allison)

Tater Todd would always remember the first time he saw Chikky Nugget, the fantastically crispy and very salty daughter of his nemesis, Butterball. (Piper)

As Tater Todd was toddling back to Potato Toddlerdom to fight for the Cranberries, he caught a glimpse of Chikky Nugget gazing at the sunset and looking fantastically crispy and he immediately fell head over non-existent heels in love. (Hannah)

Tater Todd scrambled over to Chikky Nugget, and, with the sky blazing and the first stars beginning to appear beyond the horizon, he knelt before her, saying: “Oh Chikky Nugget, I could drink sweet tea with you seven times a day! Will you come to prom with me?” (Chris)

Chikky Nugget looked down then back at him with her gorgeous crispy eyes and whispered with her perfect sizzle of a voice, “I’m sorry Tater Todd, but I could never go with you.” (Webley)

Chikky Nugget knew that she could not go out with Tater Todd, as she might have instinctively eaten the cranberry, yet Tater Todd would not give up and contemplated if he should go on a quest to turn himself into a chicken (if he could get past the war). (Aina)


He took all of ten seconds to weigh the pros and cons of this before deciding that he was very lazy and was perfectly happy being a cranberry — besides, Tater Todd had seen countless movies that warn about changing who you are for someone else. (Cassie)

So with a heavy heart Tater Todd teetered off in the opposite direction as he transformed himself back into Todd to begin fighting for the Cranberries. (Webley)

Todd decided he and his fellow Cranberries should make a wooden chicken, climb inside, and trick the real Chickens into letting the Cranberries into Hen Coopville. (Natalie)

Therefore, Todd and the Cranberries constructed a large wooden chicken, but ran into a problem when Todd realized that the wooden chicken was too large to fit through the gate to Hen Coopville. (Allison)

Todd decided that the only way for this plan to succeed was to reveal his alter identity to the Cranberries and go back to the Chickens to convince them to widen the gate. (Webley)

Because Todd had found that jumping up and down helps him think better, Todd spent his whole night doing so– constantly jumping on top of his head upside down–until an idea struck him like lightning, and he finally figured out the right plan to tell the Cranberries. (Madelaine)

Instead of revealing his alter ego to the Cranberries in order to convince them to widen their gates, Todd decided to waste even more time and, with the help of his fellow Cranberries, construct a large army of tiny wooden crispy chicken nuggets to trick the real Chickens–’This is it!’ he thought to himself. (Makenzie)

But it wasn’t. (Aina)

To his horror, Todd realized that one of his fellow Cranberries was a traitor and had revealed their entire plan to the Chickens. (Allison)


As if this was not bad enough, an army of angry birds from Hen Coopville attacked Potato Toddlerdom with Butterball the Beefy in the lead; however, just as all hope seemed lost, Chikky Nugget arrived with the army of cows to help the cranberries. (Natalie)

And then.. It was. (Annalee)

The battle, later named the Epic War of Birds and Tots, was very disorderly; feathers stuck to soldiers’ eyes, and pained moos could be heard from miles away. (Cassie)

Tater Todd, sweating bullets of cranberry juice, thought hard, but there was nothing-NOTHING-he could do to defeat the angry birds; but in a twist of fate, Butterball the Beefy, really a double agent working under Tater Todd, surrendered his angry bird army. (Makenzie)

Upon this otherwise miraculous turn of events, Chikky Nugget was badly wounded in battle, and as Todd the Cranberry ran to her side, she gazed up at him and smiled, “I’ll go with you to prom now…” Her voice drifted off into silence as she fell back into his arms. Tears welled up in Todd’s eyes as her peanut-oil saturated heart stopped beating and a cranberry medical team lifter her onto a stretcher and into the cranbulance. (Jack)


This story is closely based on true events surrounding the First Great Chicken-Cranberry war. Todd lived to be 5 months old before he began to decay in the fridge and was brutally murdered in the preparation for a Thanksgiving Dinner. Your Thanksgiving Dinner. RIP Todd 2017-2017. (Jack)


  1. The short response to this article is that it is not the greatest story ever told. The long response is that it is the most confusing story ever told.

  2. *dies laughing*

    But other than this…no comment XDDD.

  3. *cautiously contradicts* I didn’t have cranberries for Thanksgiving dinner…


    • Thanks yesh v, unlike the other groups, I didn’t re-format my article for likes. I believe in individuality, unlike the other collectivist, fascist Senior Editors.

  5. *headesk*
    Jack, Jack, Jack…

  6. TPS Memes Official

    What an amazing story. This is a true testament to liberty. Please friends, do not fall to the hands of Fascism, instead choose the right team: #TeamJack

  7. I am…confuzzled. Shall we say.

  8. “The Greatest Story Ever Told.”
    Propaganda, anyone?

  9. We did a GREAT job, guys! Most definitely The Greatest Story Ever Told. #TeamJack

  10. This is absolutely brilliant! A very enjoyable story.

  11. Great job you guys! I don’t care if it was confusing, it made me laugh( like over and over again) 😀

  12. Which means this was the greatest of all stories!!