*** Special thanks to Jacey Koo and Emma Waldvogel for wrapping up and editing this story in Raelen’s absence. Go Team FBI! (Flying Bumerangis Investigators–look it up, it’s…Finnish or something like that). Read through the end for an exciting reveal! ***
Danny’s not your average 14-year-old. This is because he’s not fourteen at all, but fifteen, having recently had a birthday on the 4th of May, and because his name isn’t simply Danny, but Daniel Shadrach Meshach Abednego Nebuchadnezzar Belteshazzar Todd Cowlicker. In nearly every other respect, Danny is average.
Except for one thing: his obsession with boomerangs. They’re an ordinary toy, but Danny appreciates them to an extraordinary degree. In fact, last Saturday at his birthday party, Danny’s mother made him a boomerang-shaped birthday cake, to which he and his friends (all two of them) sat down for a delicious birthday meal–and that’s how it all began.
One of Danny’s friends, Stephanie, was getting ready to slice into the cake — with the Force — as she shouted “May the Fourth be with you!” in Danny’s general direction. As Harry protested, “That’s not how the Force works!” in his best Han Solo voice, Danny noticed the cake had begun to make strange, uncake-like noises. As Danny watched in amazement, the cake wobbled a little on its plate, then slowly rose into the air, gave an amazing imitation of a unicorn’s whinny, and elegantly floated out the window.
Danny’s jaw dropped approximately two and a half feet and then bounced back upwards like a boomerang, as he stared at the empty cake platter. “That…is a problem,” Harry grinned, looking out the window, “What’s a party without cake?”
“A party without cake, I guess,” Stephanie replied.
Danny glanced at Steph with slight annoyance at her nonchalance concerning the disappearance of his prized, his precioussss, boomerang cake before commenting, “Well, we all know where boomerangs go, right? Back to where they came from! I think I recall that most of the flour in this cake was from special rice fields on the western slopes of the Siberian mountains…I’m gluten intolerant so Betty Crocker cake mix just wasn’t cutting it.” Harry stood up. “Well, there’s nothing else for it, then. Off to Siberia we go.”
While Danny readied the war elephants to begin marching across the steppes, Stephanie made sure to strap her radio to the side of a war elephant. Only Harry, unfortunately, had successfully attached himself to an elephant before the beasts began to stampede. Suddenly, Harry heard Stephanie call out “WAIT!” and realized that she had fallen off her war elephant. Harry wanted to help her; however, the elephants continued charging and refused to stop. Looking over his shoulder, Harry felt a twinge of guilt for his friends before ripping off his wig, dentures, and coat to reveal the balding head, toothless smile, and rotund midsection of a 95-year-old man. He took a remote control out of his pocket, summoned the cake (it was on a quadcopter platter), and yodeled, “COME TO PAPA!” The cake plopped neatly into Harry’s lap, and he rode away triumphantly on his war elephant.
Danny, who had not mounted an elephant, looked quizzically at Stephanie, whose eyes filled with rage as she looked at the quickly disappearing cake. Then she removed her high heels, threw them over her shoulder, and started running after the elephants. One of the heels landed on Danny’s head, to which he responded, “ZOINKS!!” and rubbed his head, noting happily that there were no bruises forming. Danny took his sack and brushed dirt off of his quail pants, Converse, and boisterous blazer before taking after Steph in pursuit of the mysterious 95-year-old dude he had previously known as half of his social circle. In light of this discovery, Danny was left with a social semicircle.
Danny heard a noise in the sky and looked up, alarmed. Readers, be prepared to suspend your disbelief. A Star Destroyer blinked into existence in the darkening Arabian sky. As the Star Destroyer hovered low above Harry’s elephant, the ninety-five-year-old dude was beamed up, but not before shouting, “I’m sorry, Danny, but you’ll see my plan soon enough–I, too, am a fellow boomerang connoisseur. Together, we can accomplish great things. Don’t go too far; I’ll be in touch.”
“Welp,” Stephanie conceded. “So much for 3 years of training with the FBI and MI6. I guess we’ll have to find another way to catch this cake stealing vermin!”
“Tell me about it,” said an unfamiliar voice from behind them.
“Who are you?” Danny inquired.
“Oh, I’m just a fellow who doesn’t like thieves any more than you and your friend here do. So, whaddya say? Wanna go catch one?”
“What on earth just happened?” Danny demanded, staring dubiously at this new untrustworthy character.
“Oh, Harry’s pretty well known in these parts–he’s a bit crazy in the head, likes to dress up as an adolescent and steal boomerang cakes and other treasured possessions from young naive children.” The stranger smoothly flipped out a spiffy-looking identification card. “The name’s Agent Mister Sir, head of the Famed Bumerangis Investigators. We’re currently on a hot trail of Harry’s, where we suspect his latest scheme is to employ the Internet as his newest tool for stealing boomerang cakes from adults, posing as a 40-year-old brilliant hacker named Chuck. If you have any tips, they would be appreciated.”
“Agent Mister Sir, we are willing to help you find Harry because we don’t want him to steal any more precious boomerang cakes!” Stephanie exclaimed.
“I agree! Let’s go catch a criminal!” declared Danny with excitement.
“Oh, and before we get started, Boss,” “fifteen-year-old” Steph turned to the Agent respectfully, “With more makeup, I think you might know me as Agent Carly.”
Danny gasped. Suddenly his entire social circle had been turned upside-down, inside-out, backways-forward, downside-up, and any other directions that I may have forgotten.
“Wait, you’re an agent, too?!” Danny exclaimed in bewilderment.
“Sorry to not have told you earlier, Danny. We simply couldn’t run the risk of blowing Stephanie’s undercover operation,” Agent Sir explained. “Oh, and by the way, happy fifteenth birthday!” he presented Danny with a jar of fiery salsa.
At that moment, the Star Destroyer, which had never actually took off, let out something between a wheeze and a moo, and, spurting out rainbow confetti, descended upon them “gracefully.”
Poor Danny, overwhelmed with whinnying boomerang cakes, a certain ninety-five-year-old dude he had thought was his best friend, and the recent discovery that his other best friend was really some very much older and cooler and attractive secret agent, grabbed the jar of fiery salsa (his almost-favorite food second only to fish-heads and boomerang cakes) and threw it with the strength of a baby penguin at the Star Destroyer.
Unfortunately, the jar of fiery salsa only served to infuriate the Star Destroyer, which turned its guns on them with an explosion that sounded rather like a soup can clattering against the curb. Danny drew back in terror. “Let’s get out of here,” he suggested and without further ado jumped onto his war elephant and urged it to a sprint. The elephant, however, apparently had other plans, and began to sprint as Danny had told it, but in the opposite direction. Danny, now sweating in several different places, tried to get the elephant to stop. He shouted, “Woah!” and even, “I command you to halt immediately!” but the elephant persisted, only moving faster in the direction of the Destroyer. As he neared the Star Destroyer, Danny felt his seat on the elephant rise tens of meters into the air in a matter of seconds. With his heart in his throat, he glanced down to see what sort of new skill this elephant had presented, and what he saw nearly threw him off his elevated seat.
The elephant’s eyes blazed with fury. His tusks magically transformed into machine guns, his ears morphed into radar dishes, and his trunk mutated into a large cannon. All of a sudden, the elephant was no more; it had turned into a tank! Even though he was paralyzed with confusion, Danny took control of the tank and forged ahead.
“Does he know what he’s doing?” Agent Stephanie-Carly asked dubiously.
“Most likely he doesn’t–but it is when the ignorant bravely charge into the unknown that the great discoveries of the world occur. Or else the ignorant just cause explosions,” Agent Mister Sir said in as sagely a voice as possible, considering he was running at top speed to catch up with the tank. During this exchange of wisdom between the agents, Danny had meanwhile closed the distance between himself and his enemy and had begun to fire on the Star Destroyer. Three of his shots missed, but his fourth and final shot hit the Star Destroyer.
BOOM. A tremendous explosion ensued, throwing Danny, Agent Stephanie-Carly, and Agent Mister Sir into the air as the Star Destroyer burst into a million smithereens. The dust cleared and, coughing, the trio shakily picked themselves up to meet, not the shattered remains of a Star Destroyer, but an indigo and maroon polka-dotted unicorn with old man Harry perched awkwardly on its back.
“BUTTHAT’SIMPOSSIBLETHEYDON’TEXISTTTTT,” yelled Agent Stephanie-Carly, who removed a blonde wig to reveal a further extension of her name: Agent Stephanie-Carly-Halle.
“AHA, I knew it was you!” Agent Mister Sir chuckled. “See, they’re clearly real,” he stated, removing a fake nose and exposing the identity beneath his pseudonym. “It’s me, Agent Mister-Sir-Waters.”
All is not as it seems, eh? Danny thought, as he prepared for a final surprise.
He took off his own wig and glasses and threw them on the ground. Agent Mister-Sir Waters gasped and shrieked as he realized Danny’s true identity. “MR. GILBERT?!!” he shrieked in a surprisingly high-pitched voice for a lad of his stature, nearly wetting his quail pants in the initial shock of the moment. Sure enough, it was Mr. Gilbert. Or was he? The now-Mr. Gilbert appeared to have one more trick up his sleeve as he pulled off yet another wig to reveal–nope, that was real hair.
Terrified at being faced by the honest-to-goodness founder of TPS, Harry tried to spur his unicorn into a gallop. The magical creature, however, went up to Agent Mister-Sir-Waters and nuzzled him as thanks for always believing in its existence–knocking him down in the process. Determined to prove the non-existence of the unicorn, Agent Stephanie-Carly-Halle began pulling the unicorn’s tail, which only earned her a kick in the stomach, knocking her out of commission, so to speak. Thus, it resided on our hero, Danny-Mr. Gilbert, to exercise his renowned karate and former military skills and knock the 95-year-old boomerang cake thief from his perch atop the unicorn.
As members of the Famed Bumerangis Investigators: Baked Goods Division arrived to haul away the disconsolate culprit to a life-sentence of listening to GP6 music, Agent Mister-Sir-Waters decided to adopt the abandoned unicorn. He took it home to be his very cherished pet and companion for ever and ever, naming it Raelen (upon the suggestion of Agent Stephanie-Carly-Halle). Danny-Mr. Gilbert shook his head in amusement at the antics of his former friends-turned-agents, and went home to bake himself a new boomerang cake.
Raelen VanDuzer * Emma Waldvogel * Jacey Koo * Ethan Tang * Kalijah Rahming * Jessica Seabolt * Sarai Morato * Ethan Wall * Jake Moore * Faith Thompson * Katie Fang * Ian Hurst * Charles Livingstone * Rachel Shey * Rachel Fisher