Disclaimer: This article is the exclusive property of Jake Moore and clay magazine. It may not be used, viewed, printed, chewed, eaten, flushed down the toilet, scribbled on, used as a pacifier, bottle, or diaper, or destroyed by laser-vision without the expressed consent of Jake Moore and clay magazine. Violators will have to baby-sit Jack-Jack (you’ll understand that in a minute).
Jake: Greetings once again, readers, and happy February! It’s time to show others how much you love them and do that last-minute shopping that you put off ‘til the last minute. Why do I say that? Because that’s exactly what happened to Mrs. Incredible, and for some strange reason I will never be able to explain or comprehend, she left me in charge of Jack-Jack for the afternoon. So I bet you guys can guess who I’m interviewing this month! Ladies and Gents, introducing Jack-Jack!
Jake: Ok, where are my questions?
Jack-Jack: Oooo, dub dub dub!
Jake: Hey! How’d you get my questions in your mouth! Let me see those, you little rascal.
Jack-Jack: (laughing) Hahahaha!
Jake: Well, at least you’ve already looked them over… and drooled on them. What good are questions for a baby anyway? Maybe this wasn’t such a great idea… Where’d he go?
Jake: Hey, how’d you get on top of the file cabinet? You’re a sneaky little guy.
Jack-Jack: (Blows a raspberry) Pththbththbthththbthth!
Jake: Come here. (Picks up Jack-Jack and puts him on the floor) Alright, you stay right there.
Jack-Jack: (Giggles, begins floating towards ceiling)
Jake: Hey! (Grabs Jack-Jack and puts him on the floor again) What did I just say?
Jake: No, I did not say… whatever you just said.
Jake: Uh-huh. Whew! What’s that stank?
Jake: Oh boy, I think it might be time for a diaper change. The only problem is… I don’t know how to change a diaper…
Jack-Jack: (Begins to float towards ceiling again) Aahahahaha!
Jake: Oh, good grief. What can I do with you?
Jack-Jack: (Blows another raspberry) Pthththbththbththbththth!
Jake: Get back down here. (Grabs Jack-Jack and puts him on the floor again) And Mrs. Incredible said he doesn’t have powers. Those look like powers to me.
Jack-Jack: (Hiccups, accidentally shoots desk lamp with laser vision, begins rolling on the floor laughing)
Jake: Oh, great. I guess it’s just going to be one of those days… when my office gets destroyed. I need to start finding other places to interview people.
Jack-Jack: Ubububububub. (Begins floating towards ceiling again)
Jake: Ok, I’m not even going to acknowledge that. Float all you want, you crazy baby.
Jack-Jack: (Giggles, hiccups and accidentally fires laser vision at Jake)
Jake: Woah! (Grabs lightsaber and deflects laser vision) Never thought I’d use that move for babysitting.
Jack-Jack: (Cracks up, rolls around in the air) Hahahahahahaha!
Jake: Jack-Jack, I may write a humor column, but that was not funny!
Jack-Jack: (Blows yet another raspberry) Pththbthththbthbththbththbth!
Jake: Oh, please. I do not sound like that.
Jack-Jack: Bleh bleh bleh!
Jake: I don’t say bleh bleh bleh! Wait, that’s the wrong movie.
Jake: This is getting ridiculous. How am I, a simple teenager, supposed to take care of a super-powered baby? Well, at least nothing important has been…
Jake: Destroyed. And there goes my favorite window again.
Jake: Yeah, yeah, laugh all you want.
Jack-Jack: Bub, bub, bub, bub. (Begins disappearing through ceiling)
Jake: Hey! (Grabs Jack-Jack’s diaper and pulls him back down) Don’t do that! That’s where the Arts and Culture offices are! How did you even do that, anyway?
Jack-Jack: (Giggles, floats through Jake and ends up sitting on the desk)
Jake: Jack-Jack just flew inside me! (turns to face Jack-Jack) Stop that.
(Beep! Beep! Beep!)
Jake: Wait for iiiiiiiit…
Jack-Jack: (Laughs hysterically at smushed timer)
Jake: (Sighs) Another day, another timer. Well, it’s time to say goodbye. Say goodbye, Jack-Jack.
Jack-Jack: Bye, bye!
Jake: That’s it for this month folks! Hope you have a happy Valentine’s day! Until next time, “YEAH BABY!”
This article was sponsored by… Well, myself, because people seem to think that those who sponsor me always have to pay extra for the accidents that ensue… I can’t see why…