Guys, guess what? I decided to be all trendy and hipster this year. So I’m writing my Valentine’s Day column two weeks late.
Plus, to further the hilarity, I’m telling you how to all get dates without having gotten one myself this year. Hypocritical? Maybe. But am I funnier than whoever else would have written this column? Yes. (Okay, fine. I could have gotten the people who made the Twilight movies, had them work with the 50 Shades of Grey people and still get a more interesting column. But meh.)
Anyway, I’m guessing that just by association of me, none of you had Valentine’s Day dates this year. (And if you say you do, you’re as big a liar as the person who says she doesn’t procrastinate on her homework.)
To cheer you up, I figured I’d share a happy song with you all.
“Alright there’s something truly
Magnificent about being sad and that is that
Everyone can be sad. Some people are sad sometimes.
Other people are sad all the time, and this is just a song
About being sad, WHOOPDIE DOO! LET’S GET TO IT! HAHA!”
See, it’s happy because someone is laughing. (By the way, I have the emotional filter of a teenage male relationship advice columnist.)
Okay, okay. Obviously since I’m your advisor, you want to ask me how to get a date for Valentine’s Day.
Let’s break this down into different demographics.
Male: If you’re male then most likely the girl you like wants you to be the one to ask her out. She’s probably waiting at home, paralyzed by indecision, listening to one song on repeat. (Most likely, “I can make your hands clap.”)
When you ask her out, make sure you do it in a large crowd of people. Preferably at least thirty. Follow this script. “Do you, Katharine Susannah Fletcher Truman take me to be your date?” Get down on one knee, and hold out a box to her.
One of two things will happen.
- – Everyone who is watching realizes you’re only asking her out, but if she declines she’s going to look like a monster. She’s probably going to hate you, but that’s not much of a downside.
- – I’ve heard from a very small segment of my readers (approximately 85%) that this script can lead the girl and the crowd to think you’re proposing marriage. Although rare, you should be prepared to meet this idea head on. My suggestion? Instead of admitting what you did was awkward, actually propose marriage. There’s nothing like someone asking for a long term commitment from someone he barely knows.
Female: First of all, I have bad news for you. 99.9% of guys have no idea what to do with girls. They don’t know how to ask them out, how to talk to them, etc. They’re clueless. The other 0.1%? Shawn Mendes.
But we can still work on finding you a date, even though I (as a guy) think that it isn’t advisable. After all, most guys are annoying, unhygienic, and immature. Think of your crush like your brother, except you don’t know him well yet.
Solution one – Simply wait until your crush comes and asks you out. Say yes. There is a downside to this plan, however. Most men don’t gather up the courage to ask you out until after their 23rd birthday. So if you’re younger than 23, you’re out of luck.
To fix this shortcoming, drop lots of hints. And not subtle hints like “You’re hot” or “I wish I could date someone like you.” Guys will never catch onto those. Instead, say things like, “If you asked me out, I would totally date you.” The smartest 12% of men will catch on.
Solution two – Nursing homes. Lots of old guys are single. Go there, scope out the competition, and pick your favorite. Ask them out. It’s easy, and you’ll have a date. (You can thank me after they ask you to help take out their dentures.)
Well, that’s my column for today. I have only one more thing to do. Since I have no date, I’d like ask, each and every single one of you, to be my valentine. (And, if this is anything like past history, 98% of the time, I’ll get no date, and the last portion I’ll get 6.)