I’m not sure how many of you have imaginary friends. However, since a majority of you are homeschoolers, I’m guessing most of you do. Fortunately, since you’re self-conscious adolescents, you dressed them up and named them something different.
For example, I call mine Keepers. Some people say they are “just aspects of my personality.” And to that, I say, fine. Just keep in mind that Gollum was not exactly popular. And he had multiple personalities.
As far as advice, I think what would be most helpful would be to show you a cross-section of my brain. My conversations with myself generally go something like this:
Forsythia: “Oooh – a girl. Let’s grab her and sparkle her and make her watch Firefly with us.”
Jason: “That’s not how to treat a girl. We must be smooth. Like the wind.”
Mallory: “That’s my line!”
Josiah: “Who is this Mallory?”
At this point, my conflicting voices agree to let me make a sarcastic remark. Unfortunately, my sarcastic remarks are normally something along the lines of, “What’s your weight because you look fat?”
Which doesn’t do much for me except get a girl mad at me. So I do my thing where I make all my alter egos go away. Unfortunately, that doesn’t do much good. Why? Because my head is so empty that I have space for at least three personalities. So new personalities crop up.
Jillian: “She probably wasn’t offended. Let’s go hug her and tell her we were joking!”
Josiah: “Will that work?”
Kylo: “She looks evil. She can come with us and rule the world with me since she’s hot, and I’m hot.”
Jillian: “We’re not hot.”
So we eventually go over, tell her that we were joking, and she’s actually only kind of fat. Which somehow doesn’t help.
I don’t know why either.
So I try again.
Calvin: “EWWWW. A girl. Get Rid Of Slimy girlS.”
Don Juan: “Come here, my love.”
Aina: “Guys are gross. I agree with Calvin.”
Me: “Guys, what are you doing to my head?”
So that’s why I attend TPS now.
Other solutions to dealing with imaginary friends include the obscure (ignore them), the obscene (ignore them), the impractical (ignore them), and what I did (give them sugar so they will run around in your head).
In completely unrelated news, I no longer have any friends. I instead spend my time watching paint dry.
Just for all of you who were intrigued by that last statement, I’ll give you a little update.
Green paint dries faster than red paint, and this column is even weirder than the blood-colored paint.
Thank you all, and good night.