Humor

Eight Imaginary Friends and Counting

I’m not sure how many of you have imaginary friends. However, since a majority of you are homeschoolers, I’m guessing most of you do. Fortunately, since you’re self-conscious adolescents, you dressed them up and named them something different.

For example, I call mine Keepers. Some people say they are “just aspects of my personality.” And to that, I say, fine. Just keep in mind that Gollum was not exactly popular. And he had multiple personalities.

As far as advice, I think what would be most helpful would be to show you a cross-section of my brain. My conversations with myself generally go something like this:

 

Forsythia: “Oooh – a girl. Let’s grab her and sparkle her and make her watch Firefly with us.”

 

Jason: “That’s not how to treat a girl. We must be smooth. Like the wind.”

 

Mallory: “That’s my line!”

 

Josiah: “Who is this Mallory?”

 

At this point, my conflicting voices agree to let me make a sarcastic remark. Unfortunately, my sarcastic remarks are normally something along the lines of, “What’s your weight because you look fat?”

Which doesn’t do much for me except get a girl mad at me. So I do my thing where I make all my alter egos go away. Unfortunately, that doesn’t do much good. Why? Because my head is so empty that I have space for at least three personalities. So new personalities crop up.

 

Jillian: “She probably wasn’t offended. Let’s go hug her and tell her we were joking!”

 

Josiah: “Will that work?”

 

Kylo: “She looks evil. She can come with us and rule the world with me since she’s hot, and I’m hot.”

 

Jillian: “We’re not hot.”

 

So we eventually go over, tell her that we were joking, and she’s actually only kind of fat. Which somehow doesn’t help.

I don’t know why either.

So I try again.

 

Calvin: “EWWWW. A girl. Get Rid Of Slimy girlS.”

 

Don Juan: “Come here, my love.”

 

Aina: “Guys are gross. I agree with Calvin.”

 

Me: “Guys, what are you doing to my head?”

 

So that’s why I attend TPS now.

 

Other solutions to dealing with imaginary friends include the obscure (ignore them), the obscene (ignore them), the impractical (ignore them), and what I did (give them sugar so they will run around in your head).

 

In completely unrelated news, I no longer have any friends. I instead spend my time watching paint dry.

 

Just for all of you who were intrigued by that last statement, I’ll give you a little update.

 

Green paint dries faster than red paint, and this column is even weirder than the blood-colored paint.

 

Thank you all, and good night.

36 Comments

  1. People say paint drying is boring. Hah! The maroon paint really energizes me!
    Seriously though, I loved this article. XD

  2. insanely funny Josiah

  3. Good job, Josiah *grins* Fun daring with you 😉

  4. Lol Josiah! You do a great job on these!

  5. Ever tried building a model airplane? Literally half of the time is spent watching paint and glue dry. So fun!

  6. haha These are so funny

  7. Lol Josiah you are so funny. My imaginary friends were the American Girl doll characters (Kaya, Addy, and Josefina were my closest). Keep up the good work!

  8. Hmm, Josiah.

  9. xD You didn’t portray Jillian right, but xD

  10. I got that Studio C reference!!!!! And the comic, also. I love it. XDDDDDDDDD

  11. No fair! He’s got Kylo Ren in his head! (Does this mean I can call dibs on Rey?)

  12. I think you could have said that “we must be smooth. Smooth like peanut butter.” Your column is always pretty funny!

  13. LOL the URL…

  14. Why is the URL for this article https://clay.at-tps.org/2018/01/22/icanmakethissaywhateveriwant/
    ???
    Maybe it’s an Easter egg.

  15. You must not spend too much time watching paint dry. Everyone knows that red paint dries faster. That’s why barns are traditionally painted red.

  16. The end of the url says “icanmakethissaywhateveriwant”
    It’s probably been there forever and I just noticed but XD

  17. Oh apparently I didn’t look at the other comments either

  18. Wow, how hilarious! Excellent work, my friend!

  19. Hahahaha! Great job!

  20. LOL! Good job!

  21. Love the comic!

  22. yeah – I like doing things like that

  23. Noice, Josiah. *grin* (x
    (Forsythia vaguely smirks.)

  24. LIKE THE WIND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    *poker face*

  25. LOL, very funny

  26. This was great! I got the Studio C reference too!! I just started reading your columns, and they all are hilarious!

  27. Mallory: SMOOTH! Like the wind…