Disclaimer: This article is the exclusive property of Jake Moore and clay magazine. It may not be used, viewed, printed, fired out of any type of crazy weapon, destroyed by a shark, minion, or pig, frozen with – you guessed it – a freeze ray, or harmed in any other type of villainous way. Violators will… I don’t know. They’ll have to take care of a few minions for a week? Let me work on it…
Jake: Greetings, both loyal and disloyal readers! I bet you’re glad I don’t have a loyalty program, huh? Anyway, in the midst of the quote-unquote “snow-mageddon” (I heard it on the news. Don’t judge.), I got to thinking, “What if the snowstorm the east coast United States is experiencing is really the plan of some supervillain?” So I brought in someone who’s an expert on villainy. And, no, I’m not talking about Kylo Ren. After seeing The Last Jedi, I’m going to try to stay as far away from him as possible. So ladies and Jedi…wait, that’s not right…never mind…I give you–Gru and the minions!
Gru: Thanks, Jake. It’s really nice to be here.
Jake: ‘Kay, so can you tell us if this snowstorm is really the work of some supervillain? I mean, one of my classmates told me it snowed in the Sahara! So if anyone should know about the true nature of this storm, it’s you…
Gru: Oh, thank you…
Jake: I mean, you pulled off some of the greatest heists of all time!
Gru: Oh, you’re too ki… wait, what?
Jake: Come on, you know what I’m talking about. The Times Square jumbotron disappearance, a shrink ray missing from a secret lab, a stolen moon?
Gru: Okay, first, you have no proof that I did that. Second, after I did that…
Jake: …You put it back. We know. Hey! Watch the lamp!
Gru: Kevin! Stop messing up his office!
Kevin: blakabapoy! Whoo-hoo!
Jake: Hey, be careful with that flash drive! It’s not…
Jake: …waterproof. Nuts.
Gru: Sorry about that. I hope there was nothing important on that…
Jake: Just my midterm paper for English…
Gru: Oh, well, in that case, you’ll be fine!
Jake: You obviously never took a TPS English class.
Kevin: Oooo! Katenia! Yum yum!
Jake: Put that cookie down! Cookies are for closers!
Kevin: Blokay, boss.
Jake: Hang on, I think I have an idea. Come here, Kevin.
Kevin: Oh, okay.
(Jake takes a piece of duct tape and sticks it to Kevin’s head.)
Jake: That should do it!
Kevin: (looks at tape cross-eyed, tries to grab it, but can’t reach) Aaaahhh ahha aaaahhh!
Gru: That was…impressive. I wish I’d thought of that.
Jake: Never trust a man who says MacGyver wasn’t right about duct tape. It works for almost anything. So back to my questions, does your twin brother, Dru, have anything to do with this snowstorm?
Gru: Well, I…I don’t know. But I don’t think so.
Jake: Ok, well, any other baddies that might do this sorta thing?
Gru: Hmmm…no, no lightbulbs.
Jake: Ok, so it’s safe to assume that it’s just a natural storm?
Gru: In my somewhat expert opinion, I think so.
Jake: ‘Kay, cool. Oh, wait! I forgot Captain Cold! I’ll have to ask Batman later…
Gru: Wait a minute…
Gru: I thought I brought two minions with me…
Jake: (gasps) Aww, my favorite window! Aw, man!
Gru: Hey, Dave. Not. Cool.
Dave: (Chuckles shyly) Blokay.
Jake: Why is it that the smallest characters do the largest damage? Anyway, how’s your job going at the AVL?
Gru: Oh, work is great! So, so great! Crushing it!
Jake: Uh huh. Hey, where’d my timer go? It was right here on my desk.
Jake: Umm, how did Kevin get my timer taped to his head? (glares at Dave)
(Dave hides duct tape behind his back and smiles innocently.)
Jake: Good grief. Come here, you little office nightmare. (pulls timer and duct tape off of Kevin’s head)
Kevin: (pauses) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!
Jake: (covers ears) Yikes! Maybe I pulled that duct tape off a little too fast…
Gru: Sorry, Jake. I promise this wasn’t supposed to happen.
Jake: It’s cool.
(Beep! Beep! Smush!)
Jake: No, not another one! Jacey keeps telling me that I have to find a stronger timer…
Gru: Why not just use your smartphone?
Jake: I’m afraid that if I use that, it’ll get destroyed. Anyway, it’s time to say goodbye.
Gru: Goodbye, everybody!
Kevin: Bye, bye!
Jake: See ya later, readers. Until next time…wait, where’s Dave?!
This article was sponsored by the Anti-Villain League. And by Dave, after he destroyed my office’s air conditioning ducts. As with Baby Groot, don’t ask. (waits as questioning comments flood in.)