Humor

Banana!

Disclaimer: This article is the exclusive property of Jake Moore and clay magazine. It may not be used, viewed, printed, fired out of any type of crazy weapon, destroyed by a shark, minion, or pig, frozen with – you guessed it – a freeze ray, or harmed in any other type of villainous way. Violators will… I don’t know. They’ll have to take care of a few minions for a week? Let me work on it…

Jake: Greetings, both loyal and disloyal readers! I bet you’re glad I don’t have a loyalty program, huh? Anyway, in the midst of the quote-unquote “snow-mageddon” (I heard it on the news. Don’t judge.), I got to thinking, “What if the snowstorm the east coast United States is experiencing is really the plan of some supervillain?” So I brought in someone who’s an expert on villainy. And, no, I’m not talking about Kylo Ren. After seeing The Last Jedi, I’m going to try to stay as far away from him as possible. So ladies and Jedi…wait, that’s not right…never mind…I give you–Gru and the minions!

Gru: Thanks, Jake. It’s really nice to be here.

Jake: ‘Kay, so can you tell us if this snowstorm is really the work of some supervillain? I mean, one of my classmates told me it snowed in the Sahara! So if anyone should know about the true nature of this storm, it’s you…

Gru: Oh, thank you…

Jake: I mean, you pulled off some of the greatest heists of all time!

Gru: Oh, you’re too ki… wait, what?

Jake: Come on, you know what I’m talking about. The Times Square jumbotron disappearance, a shrink ray missing from a secret lab, a stolen moon?

Gru: Okay, first, you have no proof that I did that. Second, after I did that…

Jake: …You put it back. We know. Hey! Watch the lamp!

Gru: Kevin! Stop messing up his office!

Kevin: blakabapoy! Whoo-hoo!

Jake: Hey, be careful with that flash drive! It’s not…

(Sploosh!)

Jake: …waterproof. Nuts.

Gru: Sorry about that. I hope there was nothing important on that…

Jake: Just my midterm paper for English…

Gru: Oh, well, in that case, you’ll be fine!

Jake: You obviously never took a TPS English class.

Kevin: Oooo! Katenia! Yum yum!

Jake: Put that cookie down! Cookies are for closers!

Gru: Kevin!

Kevin: Blokay, boss.

Jake: Hang on, I think I have an idea. Come here, Kevin.

Kevin: Oh, okay.

(Jake takes a piece of duct tape and sticks it to Kevin’s head.)

Jake: That should do it!

Kevin: (looks at tape cross-eyed, tries to grab it, but can’t reach) Aaaahhh ahha aaaahhh!

Gru: That was…impressive. I wish I’d thought of that.

Jake: Never trust a man who says MacGyver wasn’t right about duct tape. It works for almost anything. So back to my questions, does your twin brother, Dru, have anything to do with this snowstorm?

Gru: Well, I…I don’t know. But I don’t think so.

Jake: Ok, well, any other baddies that might do this sorta thing?

Gru: Hmmm…no, no lightbulbs.

Jake: Ok, so it’s safe to assume that it’s just a natural storm?

Gru: In my somewhat expert opinion, I think so.

Jake: ‘Kay, cool. Oh, wait! I forgot Captain Cold! I’ll have to ask Batman later…

Gru: Wait a minute…

Jake: ‘sup?

Gru: I thought I brought two minions with me…

Jake: Really?

(Crash!)

Jake: (gasps) Aww, my favorite window! Aw, man!

Gru: Hey, Dave. Not. Cool.

Dave: (Chuckles shyly) Blokay.

Jake: Why is it that the smallest characters do the largest damage? Anyway, how’s your job going at the AVL?

Gru: Oh, work is great! So, so great! Crushing it!

Jake: Uh huh. Hey, where’d my timer go? It was right here on my desk.

Kevin: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!

Jake: Umm, how did Kevin get my timer taped to his head? (glares at Dave)

(Dave hides duct tape behind his back and smiles innocently.)

Jake: Good grief. Come here, you little office nightmare. (pulls timer and duct tape off of Kevin’s head)

Kevin: (pauses) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!

Jake: (covers ears) Yikes! Maybe I pulled that duct tape off a little too fast…

Gru: Sorry, Jake. I promise this wasn’t supposed to happen.

Jake: It’s cool.

(Beep! Beep! Smush!)

Jake: No, not another one! Jacey keeps telling me that I have to find a stronger timer…

Gru: Why not just use your smartphone?

Jake: I’m afraid that if I use that, it’ll get destroyed. Anyway, it’s time to say goodbye.

Gru: Goodbye, everybody!

Kevin: Bye, bye!

Jake: See ya later, readers. Until next time…wait, where’s Dave?!

This article was sponsored by the Anti-Villain League. And by Dave, after he destroyed my office’s air conditioning ducts. As with Baby Groot, don’t ask. (waits as questioning comments flood in.)

22 Comments

  1. Pshhh. We’re not gonna flood you with questions!
    . . .
    OKAY WUT DID BABEH GROOT DO

    • He totally destroyed my office last year. I’ll still randomly find bits of leaves and stuff and be like, “Where in the world did this stuff come from?” Then I’ll remember the Baby Groot incident, and everything makes sense. Except for the fact that Baby Groot doesn’t make sense.

  2. sooooooooo funny i died of laughter

  3. Lol. I loved it. I look forward every month to reading your articles. And by the way, you should totally do Kylo Ren or Darth Vader!!!!
    (I love Star Wars)

  4. BANANA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Hee Hee Hee. So funny!

  5. LOL I loved it xD

  6. ha super funny

  7. LOL this is so funny…
    You should totally do Carly Rae Jepsen!

  8. I can literally hear those naughty yellow gogglers shrieking in gibberish… lol!

  9. Okayyyy…. I guess its up to me to ask… WHAT HAPPENED THIS TIME!!!! (Really hoping he raided Jacey’s office)

    • Okay, bear with me. Dave decided that he was going to dispute my notion that the smallest characters make the most damage. Thus, he broke my second-favorite window, climbed out dropped onto the sidewalk, found a door leading to the basement, and somehow managed to get himself into the air conditioning ducts that lead to my office. After making several holes in the ducts with some sort of ridiculous drilling tool he just so happened to have with him, he followed more ducts to… wait for it… Jacey’s office. One moment, I’m trying to catch Kevin, who somehow got completely wrapped in my duct tape, and the next, Dave’s screaming “BANANA!” over the intercom. Eventually, Dave’s overdose of energy got the best of him, and he laughed so much while destroying more air ducts on the way back to the basement that he passed out. Unfortunately, his unconscious form was still in the air ducts, and I had to get him out Mission: Impossible style. It probably would have been a lot cooler if I had a soundtrack to go with it, but my phone had somehow gotten duct-taped to Kevin’s head. Just another day at the office… I guess… (sighs)

  10. Hahahahaha! Great job man! Keep it up!

  11. I just died laughing!!!! This is soooooo great!

  12. Haha! This is sooooo hilarious!!

  13. duct tape solves a lot of problems.
    well, i didn’t reckon with minions.

  14. looollllll