Disclaimer: This article is the exclusive property of Jake Moore and clay magazine. It may not be used, viewed, printed, stuffed in a stocking, hidden behind lumps of coal, used to catch the tail-hook on Santa’s sleigh, or used as kindling for roasting chestnuts (especially the last one!). Violators will not be put on the naughty list, but only because I’m feeling generous this time of year!
Jake: Merry Christmas! I’ve decided this month I will be a little more Christmassy (is that a word?) and interview a couple of the guys who make Santa’s package drop possible. I just don’t know where they are. They should have been here…
(Fire in fireplace is put out, and Lanny and Wayne drop down through the chimney.)
Jake: There you are! Ladies and gents, I give you Lanny and Wayne of Disney’s Prep and Landing.
Wayne: Thanks, Jake. Happy to be here.
Lanny: This place is tinsel! It’s a winter wonderland!
Jake: You like the decorations?
Lanny: They’re so Christmassy.
Jake: I’m still not sure if that’s a word…
Wayne: I think it is.
Jake: Whatever. So, Wayne, can you tell me a little bit about Prep and Landing?
Wayne: No problem. Prep and Landing is an elite unit of elves who prepare houses around the world for a visit from the big guy.
Jake: Speaking of which, do you think I could get an interview with…ya’know… the big guy?
Wayne: Hmm…I don’t think so. We’ve got a pretty tight schedule this time of year.
Jake: Chestnuts. Lanny, can you tell me a bit from your perspective?
Lanny: Well, everything looks super tall to me…
Jake: No, I mean your perspective on your job.
Lanny: It’s the coolest job ever! I mean, bringing joy to children? Who wouldn’t want to do that?
Jake: I can name one person… Kylo Ren.
Lanny: I’m not sure I know him.
Jake: Probably a good thing. Wayne, can you tell me a little bit about the equipment you guys use?
Wayne: Well, difficulty is just part of the job description. But we’re always prepared.
Jake: What about the sleigh crash of ‘72?
Wayne: Well, almost always.
Jake: Gotcha. Lanny, what are you doing over there?
Lanny: This tree is facing the wrong way. The most festive side always faces out.
Jake: Oh, sorry. Need some help?
Lanny: I got it.
Jake: So, Wayne, how do you get to all those houses? I mean, it can’t be like Santa has a fleet of reindeer…
Wayne: If only you knew!
Jake: What’s that mean?
Wayne: It’s classified.
Jake: Oh, ok. I didn’t know Santa had a security clearance system.
Wayne: Again, if only…
Jake: Right. Lanny, you’re sure you don’t need help with the tree?
Lanny: Almost got it…
(Tree falls over)
Wayne: Oh, frostbite! Sorry about that, Jake.
Jake: Trust me, that’s nothing compared to when Baby Groot was here.
Lanny: Don’t worry, I’ll clean this up.
Jake: It’s fine, I’ll get it later. I have a few questions for you, Lanny.
Jake: Who do you think are the toughest elves at the North Pole?
Lanny: Oh, that’s easy.
Wayne: Of course…
Lanny: The Coal Elf Brigade!
Wayne: Wait, what?
Lanny: You should see them at work. It’s amazing!
Jake: I would, but it’s probably classified.
Wayne: I wouldn’t go as far as amazing…
Lanny: They don’t even use parachutes!
Jake: That’s crazy! I’ve got to meet these guys! Maybe I could interview them in January…
Wayne: Hang on, Tree skirt. I’ve jumped without a parachute, remember?
Lanny: Yeah, but you missed the roof.
Jake: That couldn’t have been good. Especially at your age…
Wayne: There’s nothing wrong with my…wait, how do you know my age?
Jake: You’d be amazed at some of the things I know…
Lanny: We carry sparkle, right? They have sparkle launchers!
Wayne: Now, wait, hold on a sec…
Jake: These guys sound perfect for an interview… Do you think I could to talk to them?
Lanny: I’ll talk to Wayne’s brother, Noel, and let you know!
(Beep! Boing! BANG!) (Timer explodes)
Wayne: What was that?!?
Jake: Ah, chestnuts. Daffy must have swapped my timer for one of those Acme Self-Destructing doohickeys.
Wayne: Well, then, I guess it’s time to go!
Jake: But Lanny and I didn’t finish talking about…
Wayne: Come on, Tree skirt! We’ve got a schedule to keep. A tight schedule!
Lanny: Ok. Talk to you later, Jake.
Jake: Copy that. Well readers, until next time, “Merry Christmas!”
This article was sponsored (and edited to remove classified material) by the big guy himself. No, seriously. No kidding. There’s a reason why Thrasher the reindeer wasn’t mentioned. Just don’t tell anyone I know about him…