Do any of you know what is deeply disappointing? Not getting everything you want all the time. This makes me the most disappointed person in history. Because if there’s anything that I am, it’s needy. Every Christmas I ask for a litany of exciting new gifts, things that should be easily attainable. Like Brandon Sanderson in my closet. Like NF singing in my place for that talent show I’m trying to avoid. Like Trump’s hairpiece and Hillary’s pantsuit, so that I can do some epic cosplay. But no. Every year is a disappointment. Do you know what I got this year? Used socks. But did I let it go, or did I go on a rampage and vandalize the local policeman? (No, not the policeman’s building, the policeman. It’s a long story.) Okay. I let it get to me. But that doesn’t mean I can’t give you advice about coping with disappointment.
First – Remember that most people who give you lame gifts are giving it to you for your own good. That deodorant you just opened? For your good. So when people give you bad Christmas gifts, treat them like how you’d treat a physician who’s treating your third-degree wounds and bullet holes. With screams of agony. And if someone screams loudly when they open your present, then you know it was good for them.
Second – Occasionally you will receive gifts from people who hate you. Normally you can tell which ones are intentionally cruel. These include things like knitted cat hair sweaters and cute cards that express a wish that you would get at your homework. While these people claim that they are doing this because they love you, they secretly hate you and want to take over the world. Back away slowly and then grab your handy “I’d really appreciate it if you stopped hating me sign,” and point it at them. People always listen to this. You can tell because nobody ever has to fight anyone in superhero movies. That’s because the heroes always follow this plan and never get in fights.
Third – Sometimes you will receive gifts from people who generally thought they got you a good gift, but they just don’t know enough to give you a gift. This is the equivalent of giving a Christian hip-hop fan a Pit Bull album. Its close, but it doesn’t quite cut it. The best way to thank them is by giving them something of similar caliber. Give them a “My condolences” thank you card. Give your mom a “Christian hug” (a side hug, for the non-pastors out there).
Fourth – Sometimes people won’t give you anything at all. However, you shouldn’t retaliate. Jesus says that by loving those who hurt you, you heap burning coals upon their head. Thus, you should obviously give these people the gift of burning coals. Make sure you hide them in a stocking cap that they’ll immediately put on.
Fifth, and finally – You should make sure to always buy people good gifts so that they don’t have to go through the same pain that I went through (that policeman hit back pretty hard when I tried to spray paint his face). I recommend the new book, “How to stop being a doofus and start being a nice person for once.” Keys are also recommended. (People are big fans of keys. Plus, you’ll keep them busy for a few hours while they search for something to stick them in. I recommend not having anything go with the keys. It confuses the gift receiver.)
And that’s it for the month. God bless you, and have a happy New Year.