Humor

It’s Turkey Season!

Disclaimer: This article is the exclusive property of Jake Moore and clay magazine. It may not be used, viewed, printed, shoved down a rabbit hole, shot with a rifle, destroyed in some sort of ridiculous and completely impossible manner involving rockets, anvils, or otherwise, or strapped to a roadrunner fleeing at top speed without the expressed consent of Jake Moore and clay magazine. Violators, beware because it’s violator season!

Bugs: Wait a minute, I thought it was duck season!

Daffy: As I recall, it’s wabbit season!

Bugs: Duck season!

Daffy: Wabbit season!

Jake: Hello, fellow students! As you’ve probably guessed by now, this month I’m interviewing Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck. Unfortunately, these two have been at it all morning. Hey, guys?

Bugs: Duck season!

Daffy: Wabbit season!

Bugs: Duck season!

Daffy: Wabbit season!

Jake: Guys, it’s turkey season!

Bugs: What?

Daffy: Seriously?

Jake: Yeah, ya’ know? I mean, with Thanksgiving and all?

Daffy: Oh. Yeah, ‘course.

Jake: (sighs) I thought that’d never end.

Bugs: Eh, what’s up, doc?

Jake: Well, I want to ask you guys a few questions, for one.

Daffy: Shoot.

Elmer: KILL DA WABBIT!

Jake: How’d he get in here?

Daffy: That’s your question?

Elmer: KILL DA WABBIT!

Bugs: Wait just one minute. You see, it’s not rabbit season, it’s duck season.

Daffy: As I recall, it’s wabbit season!

Jake: Oh no…

Bugs: Duck season!

Daffy: Wabbit season!

Bugs: Duck season!

Daffy: Wabbit season!

Jake: Uh, guys?

Bugs: Duck season!

Daffy: Wabbit season!

Jake: Turkey season!

Bugs: Huh?

Daffy: What?

Elmer: KILL DA TURKEY! (dashes off)

Jake: Quick! Lock the door!

Bugs: (Locks door, then shoves a chair, a dresser, an anvil, a safe, and a Buick in front of the door.)

Daffy: Good thinking there, Jakie boy!

Bugs: I still say it’s duck season.

Daffy: (glares at Bugs) You’re despicable.

Jake: Anyway, back to my questions…

Roadrunner: (Dashes in through window) Meep meep! (Dashes off)

Jake: What?

Wile E. Coyote: (Dashes in through window, stares at Bugs. Thought bubble depicting rabbit stew appears above Coyote’s head, then an anvil falls on him.)

Jake: (Staring at anvil) This place is weird. Ok, I think it’s safe to go ahead with…

Speedy Gonzales: (Dashes in through window) Andale! Andale! Arriba! Arriba! (dashes off)

Jake: Oh, good grief. Next thing you know, Michael Jordan’s gonna come through that thing. Could someone close that window?

Daffy: I got it. (shuts window)

Jake: Ok, now…

Sylvester the Cat: (slams into window)

Jake: Arrrgh.

Daffy: (Staring at Sylvester) Hey, I think I know this guy!

Jake: For Pete’s sake, can we just get on with the questions?

Bugs: I’ve got a question.

Jake: What?

Bugs: Who’s Pete?

Jake: (pauses) I really don’t know.

Bugs: Maybe he’s next to come through that window!

Jake: I don’t know. It feels like in this place, you think of something crazy, and it happens.

Daffy: Ya’ know, that kinda makes sense.

Jake: Just a little piece of cartoon wisdom, I guess.

Bugs: I didn’t know there was such a thing.

Jake: Probably not. Ok, I think it’s finally time that we get to my questions…

(Beep! Boing! BANG!) (Timer explodes)

Jake: What was that??

Bugs: It’s an ACME Self-Destructing Timer. Nobody likes having to stop the beeping, so the timer takes care of it for you! I use it all the time during my workouts.

Jake: You work out?

Bugs: Two push-ups and five deep breaths each morning, pal.

Jake: Well, I guess we’re just about out of time, but I just have one question that needs to be answered. It’s for you, Daffy.

Daffy: Shoo…

Jake: Don’t even think about saying it.

Daffy: Sorry. Ask away!

Jake: Why do you wear that thing around your neck?

Daffy: You ever seen another duck with one of these?

Jake: No, not really.

Daffy: Exactly. It gives a duck his individuality!

Jake: As if you didn’t have enough already. Well, It’s time to say goodbye. (to Bugs and Daffy) Say goodbye, guys.

Bugs: TTYL, everybody!

Daffy: Since when have you said TTYL?

Jake: Well, until next time, “That’s all, folks!”

This article is sponsored by the Stuttering Pigs’ Society of North America, Chapter 57. It’s too bad that Porky didn’t show up, r-r-r-r-r-r-right g-g-guys?

23 Comments

  1. Dude I bet you’re really happy about having copy and paste.

  2. Right so…*straps this on a roadrunner and puts him in a rabbit hole and uses a riffle to shoot an anvil out of the sky and close the w-rabbit hole*

  3. totally cool *picks up bow and saunters off to hunt wabbits in turnkey season*

  4. IT’S CHRISTMAS SEASONNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 😀

  5. If I’m right, Space Jam reference with Michael Jordan?

    All in all, that was brilliant

  6. These are hilarious, but you never got to the interview… but it was still really funny (which was obviously the point)

    • I realized that he never really gets to the interview in these columns, but all the funny parts transpire as he unsuccessfully attempts to ask the interviewee questions.

  7. Ever noticed how many characters in loonytunes have speech impediments?
    Speaking of which, I thought Daffy had a lisp. Elmer Fudd is usually the one to say “Wabbit Season,” right? I’m pretty sure Daffy usually pronounces it as “Rabbit Theathon”. Just pointing that out.
    Good job, as always!

    • I tried writing Theathon, but it looked so weird I wasn’t sure if anyone would understand it. Thanks for the tip, though!