Hello, everyone. I’m back again this month. I know, I know. You didn’t see my normal column last month, and you thought that maybe you had gotten rid of me. Sorry. I will haunt you forever. And because I’m the relationship columnist you will foolishly follow my advice and ruin your relationships forever. I will now take a few seconds to laugh evilly. Muhahaha.
In this column, I’m going to give advice for relationships with family members. These snippets of golden advice will result in perfect household harmony…either that, or they’ll want to kill you (source: my sister who’s chasing me with a chainsaw).
Parents are often annoying. Sort of like mosquitos. They latch onto you and start siphoning away your money and your food and your time and – oh wait. Those are kids.
But as children, how should we get along with our parents? There are a few things we can do that they really appreciate.
First – whine. I’m not sure about your parents, but my parents love whining children. The higher pitched the better. Once it reaches shrieking levels, my Dad is covering his ears with joy.
Second – pretend you love them. I’m not going to tell you to do anything as drastic as actually loving them. Remember, relationships work entirely on a “What have you done for me lately?” basis. If your parents didn’t adopt you recently, don’t be grateful for it. If your parents haven’t fed you in the last hour, don’t be grateful. However, to make sure that your parents continue feeding you, pretend you love them.
Third (and finally) – get dirt everywhere. Any normal child can track dirt into the front foyer, but it takes real dedication to get dirt on the ceiling, in the printer, and with the bread.
I’m going to be honest here. Since, the chainsaw incident, I’m starting to wonder if I’m doing this correctly.
Quite frankly, girls are weird. Dudes like me aren’t weird. We’re easy to figure out. We look first to food, and then sleep. If we’re feeling complicated, we might even try to make friends. Girls are more complicated. They have something called “feelings.” My advice is to not even try and hope they forget about you. Remember – familiarity breeds canteens. Or something like that.
You’re probably going to fight a lot with your brothers. There’s nothing I can do about that. That’s why I’m not going to give you advice about how to get along with your brothers, I’m going to give you advice about how to make up with your brother after the two of you fight.
Have you ever heard the expression – “Kiss and Make-Up?” That’s exactly what I’m telling you to do.
Now don’t get me wrong here. Don’t ever kiss your brother. It’s even worse than kissing your cousin. But making up is encouraged. Wait until he’s sleeping, and then sneak up on him. Do a little lipstick. Maybe some mascara. Eyeliner is good. If your brother isn’t a clown, this will probably be a special and momentous occasion for him.
This will make your relationship with your brother like it’s never been before.
…While you might not be able to fulfill all the above requirements right away, I highly encourage you to attempt to follow all this advice before the end of the month or before your family kills you, whichever comes first. And, with that, I can do naught more but close in the words of Adolf Hitler – “If you tell a big enough lie and tell it frequently enough, it will be believed.” Those are the words that I write this column by.
Thank you for reading.