Hello, everyone. Josiah here with your monthly dose of insanity. Now I know what you’re all thinking. You tried out my advice on your crush last month, and it worked so well that now you’re writing me with questions about wedding planning. I have bad news for you, however. I’ve been caught in a scandal and been forced to resign. Make way, it’s almost as if I was working for a liberal news organization and signed the Nashville Statement*.
Fine. I’m joking. My editor asked me to write a feature article as a satire of the Antifa this month, and I agreed. After all, what is life without being able to make fun of politics, especially by being able to take cheap shots? Very little. All you have left is self-deprecation, which I am very bad at.
[Disclaimer – this story makes fun of numerous people, including Liberals, Conservatives, and most especially, the hypocrites. Don’t read this story if you won’t admit you’ve ever been wrong. Also please note that some of the views expressed in this story are not my own. Some of them are contrary to what I think entirely.]
Transcribed from a conversation found between an anonymous reporter from a reputable news organization* (which means it’s pretty liberal leaning. Sorry Fox. You had Roger Ailes* until last year. In order to become reputable again, you have to dedicate a new cycle to overreacting to a Trump tweet) and Alec Baldwin*, the newest Antifa* supporter.
Reporter: It was kind of you to meet me here.
Alec Baldwin: You are very welcome. I always take interview requests from the news organizations that openly help us further our cause, like CBS.
[Alec Baldwin mistakenly referred to this organization. The reporter was from somewhere else, which will be left unnamed.]
Reporter: Are you sure you aren’t doing this for publicity?
Alec Baldwin: Are we on the air right now?
Alec Baldwin: Then yes. I’m doing it for publicity. I LOVE BEING FAMOUS. [At this point we realized that Baldwin was probably not in his right mind. Although that’s typical, we would like to casually point out that this interview took place in Colorado*.]
Reporter: Could you give us a quick overview of what you formally call your organization and your ideology?
Alec Baldwin: Sure. We call ourselves Orwellians* because we aspire to be like the societies we find in his books. I mean look at some of the rules he had in Animal Farm*. “No animal shall kill any other animal. All animals are equal.” Those really stand out as some of the best rules to live by of anything, don’t they?
Reporter: What about some of the other commandments?
Alec Baldwin: Well, the “no animal shall wear clothes” was just an added bonus.
Reporter: But some people are more equal than others. . .
Alec Baldwin: Is a correct statement.
Reporter: But 1984* has constant surveillance on everyone. Is that really what you’re looking for?
Alec Baldwin: No. That’s just for police body cams. We regret that Orwell took that one a little too far, but even great men make mistakes.
Reporter: Okay. Thanks for clearing that up for me. Could you go back to your ideology?
Alec Baldwin: We support people who do the opposite of fascism, in the exact same ways as the fascists work.
Reporter: Don’t you think that maybe that’s a little bit – I don’t want to accuse you of anything here – hypocritical?
Alec Baldwin: FASCIST!!!
Reporter: No, that’s not what I meant. I’m sorry. I’m thoroughly antifascist.
Alec Baldwin: Since you work for a reputable organization, I’m going to let you get away with that mistake. You’re a Democrat, right?
Alec Baldwin: Well, we let good solid Democrats get away with a lot. Look at Cam Newton* – he was just acting sexist in a press conference but we don’t care. He’s liberal and famous and good and my daughter has a crush on him!
Reporter: But Colin Kaepernick*? He’s getting blackballed . . . and a lot of people hate the players who are protesting.
Alec Baldwin: Kaepernick is a Christian. Everyone knows that Christians can’t protest well.
Reporter: Okay . . . who are some of the leader’s who’ve helped you all in this cause?
Alec Baldwin: Donald Trump.*
Reporter: Trump? Isn’t he, like, Republican?
Alec Baldwin: That’s what he’s said. But who’s moved public feeling against Conservatives more than anyone else in the last year? And as such, who’s helped the Antifa more than anyone else?
Reporter [aghast]: Donald Trump.
Alec Baldwin: Exactly.
Reporter: I have a hard time believing that. Isn’t there more honor than that in this world?
Alec Baldwin: No. Look at Trump. Think of honor. And try to see if Trump and honor ever belong in the same sentence.
Reporter: I guess I see your point. Let’s bring this in a different direction. What do you think about the people who were claiming that the Las Vegas shooter was Antifa*?
Alec Baldwin: I’m slightly disappointed that he wasn’t, honestly.
Reporter: Are you claiming that you hope that the organization you represent is a terrorist group? Because that’s what it sounds like.
Alec Baldwin: Yes. People like to call us terrorists, but in reality we just use brutal and unusual force to get people to listen to us and our demands. Plus, it was a country music concert and everyone knows that only Trump lovers listen to country music.
Reporter: Does that make it any better?
Alec Baldwin: Yes.
[eventually . . .] Reporter: Let’s do some word association here.
Alec Baldwin: Sounds good.
Reporter: North Korea*.
Alec Baldwin: Evil.
Reporter: Countries that have followed North Korea’s lead in becoming socialist.
Alec Baldwin: Evil.
Alec Baldwin: The best thing ever.
Reporter: But it’s also socialist.
Alec Baldwin: So?
Reporter: So what’s the difference?
Alec Baldwin: One of these two oppresses their people, the other doesn’t.
Reporter: So how can the good countries avoid turning bad?
Alec Baldwin: Don’t elect bad leaders. Elect leaders that will do what’s fair to your group.
Reporter: So that’s what we should tell minorities in the US?
Alec Baldwin: No. That’s different.
Alec Baldwin: This is here. We are oppressed. Here. We have already reached the level where minorities are being oppressed.
Reporter: So we are as badly off as North Korea?
Alec Baldwin: Yes.
Reporter: That’s pretty extreme.
Alec Baldwin: I don’t know. Have you seen the state of hair in this country?
Alec Baldwin: Our leader, Trump, and I, are the only ones left who have good hair.
Reporter: Thank you for your time, Alec.
Alec Baldwin: You’re very welcome.
For all the obscure references you didn’t catch, look here. These are in order of appearance:
The Nashville Statement: Many evangelical leaders signed this statement, reaffirming what they believed were Biblical standards of marriage. (One wife, no LGBTQ+, no marrying your pets . . .)
“Nashville Statement.” CBMW, cbmw.org/nashville-statement/.
Roger Ailes: Was the man who cofounded Fox. He resigned last year after over a dozen allegations of another scandal. I guess that after that broke, his career began “Ailing.”
News, CBS. “Fox News scandal.” CBS News, CBS Interactive, 3 Nov. 2016, www.cbsnews.com/fox-news-gretchen-carlson-roger-ailes-sexual-harassment-lawsuit/.
News Stations – Most news stations, aside from Fox, lean liberal. Most are also full of people who tell you outright lies. I’d wonder if there was a coincidence, but I’ve heard conservative radio.
Alec Baldwin – Very liberal. Very unique hair. Loud. Has been known to imitate Trump. In other words, he’s half Trump and half Antifa. Sounds like a great role model.
Hautman, Nicholas. “Alec Baldwin Fires Back at Trump After ‘SNL’ Diss.” Us Weekly, Us Weekly, 20 Nov. 2016, www.usmagazine.com/celebrity-news/news/alec-baldwin-fires-back-at-donald-trump-after-snl-diss-w451564.
The Antifa – The most famous group of anti-fascist liberals out there. Maybe the only group of anti-fascist liberals out there. One of our staff writers had a great article about them just recently if you want to go find them.
Kuo, Christopher. “The Revenge of the Antifa.” Clay Magazine, 2 Oct. 2017, clay.at-tps.org/2017/10/08/the-revenge-of-the-antifa/.
Colorado was one of the first states to legalize marijuana use. Although violent crime has not increased in Colorado, it has had a sudden and extreme uptick in AFV submissions for some reason.
George Orwell wrote several political satires. Including –
Animal Farm, which attempted to show how the leaders in socialist countries did not act the same way as their citizens. Think Fidel Castro. Animal Farm is read by most high schoolers and a few mislead agriculture students.
1984 is Orwell’s other book. Recurring themes are how the government takes too much power. No, I don’t have a witty comment here. You were expecting one?
Cam Newton is a football quarterback who was caught in a scandal in which he was sexist towards a female reporter. Somehow, he’s still known for having teenage girls develop crushes on him. You know who else crushes him? Defenders.
“NFL Star Cam Newton Lost a Big Endorsement Deal Over His Sexist Comments.” Fortune, fortune.com/2017/10/05/cam-newton-jourdan-rodrigue-dannon/.
Colin Kaepernick is another football quarterback. He’s being blackballed by the teams in the league and is a devout Christian. So devout that he got tattoos of Bible verses. That’s how you mark the really devout. Sheep vs. Goats people.
Donald Trump is the US president. I hope you all knew that. I hope that very dearly. If you don’t you should probably take up Twitter. I’ve heard Trump makes a great follow. . .
The Las Vegas shooting was so evil that I’m not going to make a joke about it. A 60-something year old man shot and killed dozens of people while wounding hundreds at a country music concert.
North Korea and Sweden are both socialist countries. The difference is that North Korea is a socialist regime, while Sweden seems to have it working out. I guess you could say that Sweden is Sweeter for Swedes. (Yes, that was bad. No, I don’t apologize.)