Humor

“Because I’m BATMAN!”

Disclaimer: This article is the exclusive property of Jake Moore and clay magazine. It may not be used, viewed, printed, burned by lava, shown to the Joker, or blown up with a ridiculous bomb the size of a small car. Violators will get attacked by Sauron and the streets will run red with… uh… lava.

Jake: Hello once again, my faithful readers. And you too, my unfaithful readers.

Lego Batman: Who are you talking to? Who’d you let into my Bat Cave?

Jake: Dude, I’m just recording this with my phone.

Lego Batman: Oh, yeah, I knew that.

Jake: Well, readers, as you’ve probably figured out by now, this month’s interview will be with that illustrious vigilante, Bru…

Lego Batman: DUDE!

Jake: Yikes! Sorry! I mean Lego Batman.

Lego Batman: That’s right, and for the rest of this conversation you can call me “Bat”.

Jake: Why…?

Bat: BECAUSE I’M BATMAN!

Jake: Okee then. So you want to tell us about how you and your team are doing? I mean, you literally let the Joker just walk away.

Bat: Well, sometimes a superhero needs a super-villain to fight. I mean, you saw how depressed I got when the Joker surrendered.

Jake: That makes sense… I think. Well, how are things in Gotham City these days?

Bat: Ya’ know, Joker’s still causing problems; I have to go solve them, stuff like that.

Jake: Ok, what kinda problems?

Bat: The usual Joker stuff. Blowing stuff up with those ridiculous little toy bombs, throwing pies at VIPs, and stuff like that.

Jake: How’s Robin doing as a master builder?

Bat: The kid’s getting really good.

Jake: Ok, this next one is a serious question: you got a cool costume for me in that merch-gun?

Bat: I don’t know. Let’s wing it.

(silence)

Bat: That’s a bat pun.

Jake: Sounded like a dad joke to me.

Bat: Wait, are you saying being a dad is affecting my sense of humor?

Jake: Well, not exactly… Let’s just try the merch-gun, ok?

Bat: (Head spins 360 degrees) Uuuuuuggggghhhhhhh… Fine. (Fires merch-gun.)

Jake: (Wearing black bunny suit with Batman logo) Umm… No.

Bat: Ok, let’s try again. (Fires merch-gun.)

Jake: (Now wearing very, very dark grey bunny suit) This is pretty much the same thing!

Bat: No, it’s not. It’s not black. That makes all the difference.

Jake: Try again.

Bat: Fine. (Fires merch-gun.)

Jake: (Wearing black pajamas with Batman logo pattern) How am I supposed to save the world in this?

Bat: Looks pretty good to me.

Jake: Not even close! Try again.

Bat: (Fires merch-gun.)

Jake: (Wearing lobster costume) What is wrong with that thing?!

Bat: Dude, lobster thermidor is my favorite!

Jake: Give me that thing. (Wrestles merch-gun out of Batman’s hands.)

Bat: Dude, taking that thing from me was a pretty tough call. I mean, not many people can stand up to the strength of my shredded nine-pack. But you have fingers, so that gives you a bit of an advantage.

Jake: Whatever. (Fires merch-gun at self, ends up wearing flaming red Batman costume) Now, this is more like it!

Bat: You know what I’m gonna say, right?

Jake: Don’t you dare…

Bat: First try!!

Jake: #ICan’tEven.

Bat: #Batman.

Jake: #StopItNow.

Bat: #Awesome.

Jake #TooManyHashtags.

Batgirl: (walks in room) Hey, Batman, have you seen my cape?

Bat: Barbara!! (stands entranced)

Jake: (to Batgirl) Watch this. (turns to Batman) I SEEEE YOOOU!!

Bat: Sauron!! (jumps and falls over)

Jake: (laughing) Behold the mighty Batman!

Bat: You got me this time, but I’m never caught off guard.

Jake: You sure? Because…

Bat: BECAUSE I’M BATMAN!!

Jake: (jumps and falls over) Ok, whatever, man.

(Beep! Beep! Beep!)

Bat: (smashes timer with Bat-a-rang) What was that?

Jake: Dude, you just busted my new timer! I just got that one after Groot busted my other one.

Bat: Whatever.

Jake: Well, I guess it’s time to say goodbye. Bat?

Bat: Batman out.

Jake: See you later guys. Until next time, “I’M BATMAN!”

Bat: Dude! You cannot steal my catchphrase!

Jake: I did that just to get on your nerves.

This article is sponsored by Gotham City Energy Plant. They needed the publicity after Joker totally decimated their entire facility.

Image courtesy blazingminds.co.uk

20 Comments

  1. HAHAHA imagine if this was actually part of the Lego Batman movie!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL *falls of chair* haha

  2. “Will be attacked by Sauron”
    Doncha remember, Sauron’s dead?!??!
    (Does that mean I can violate it :O)

  3. I LOVED this movie so much, so this was absolutely perfect. Crying laughing over here. Great job. XD

  4. Hilarious as always Jake lol

  5. Love it! It really does sound like Lego Batman, and I love the references to his lines.

  6. this is awesome!!! XD

  7. I love the movie and the article great job LOL

  8. Hahahaha this is great!!

  9. Batman is awesome!!! (minus his angry music)

  10. Brain. Just. Exploded. IM WIPING MY EYES, JAKE MOORE! THAT NEVER HAPPENS…except when I read Josiah’s articles.

  11. Oh man…. the timer destruction!!