Disclaimer: This article is the exclusive property of Jake Moore and clay magazine. It may not be used, viewed, printed, burned by lava, shown to the Joker, or blown up with a ridiculous bomb the size of a small car. Violators will get attacked by Sauron and the streets will run red with… uh… lava.
Jake: Hello once again, my faithful readers. And you too, my unfaithful readers.
Lego Batman: Who are you talking to? Who’d you let into my Bat Cave?
Jake: Dude, I’m just recording this with my phone.
Lego Batman: Oh, yeah, I knew that.
Jake: Well, readers, as you’ve probably figured out by now, this month’s interview will be with that illustrious vigilante, Bru…
Lego Batman: DUDE!
Jake: Yikes! Sorry! I mean Lego Batman.
Lego Batman: That’s right, and for the rest of this conversation you can call me “Bat”.
Bat: BECAUSE I’M BATMAN!
Jake: Okee then. So you want to tell us about how you and your team are doing? I mean, you literally let the Joker just walk away.
Bat: Well, sometimes a superhero needs a super-villain to fight. I mean, you saw how depressed I got when the Joker surrendered.
Jake: That makes sense… I think. Well, how are things in Gotham City these days?
Bat: Ya’ know, Joker’s still causing problems; I have to go solve them, stuff like that.
Jake: Ok, what kinda problems?
Bat: The usual Joker stuff. Blowing stuff up with those ridiculous little toy bombs, throwing pies at VIPs, and stuff like that.
Jake: How’s Robin doing as a master builder?
Bat: The kid’s getting really good.
Jake: Ok, this next one is a serious question: you got a cool costume for me in that merch-gun?
Bat: I don’t know. Let’s wing it.
Bat: That’s a bat pun.
Jake: Sounded like a dad joke to me.
Bat: Wait, are you saying being a dad is affecting my sense of humor?
Jake: Well, not exactly… Let’s just try the merch-gun, ok?
Bat: (Head spins 360 degrees) Uuuuuuggggghhhhhhh… Fine. (Fires merch-gun.)
Jake: (Wearing black bunny suit with Batman logo) Umm… No.
Bat: Ok, let’s try again. (Fires merch-gun.)
Jake: (Now wearing very, very dark grey bunny suit) This is pretty much the same thing!
Bat: No, it’s not. It’s not black. That makes all the difference.
Jake: Try again.
Bat: Fine. (Fires merch-gun.)
Jake: (Wearing black pajamas with Batman logo pattern) How am I supposed to save the world in this?
Bat: Looks pretty good to me.
Jake: Not even close! Try again.
Bat: (Fires merch-gun.)
Jake: (Wearing lobster costume) What is wrong with that thing?!
Bat: Dude, lobster thermidor is my favorite!
Jake: Give me that thing. (Wrestles merch-gun out of Batman’s hands.)
Bat: Dude, taking that thing from me was a pretty tough call. I mean, not many people can stand up to the strength of my shredded nine-pack. But you have fingers, so that gives you a bit of an advantage.
Jake: Whatever. (Fires merch-gun at self, ends up wearing flaming red Batman costume) Now, this is more like it!
Bat: You know what I’m gonna say, right?
Jake: Don’t you dare…
Bat: First try!!
Batgirl: (walks in room) Hey, Batman, have you seen my cape?
Bat: Barbara!! (stands entranced)
Jake: (to Batgirl) Watch this. (turns to Batman) I SEEEE YOOOU!!
Bat: Sauron!! (jumps and falls over)
Jake: (laughing) Behold the mighty Batman!
Bat: You got me this time, but I’m never caught off guard.
Jake: You sure? Because…
Bat: BECAUSE I’M BATMAN!!
Jake: (jumps and falls over) Ok, whatever, man.
(Beep! Beep! Beep!)
Bat: (smashes timer with Bat-a-rang) What was that?
Jake: Dude, you just busted my new timer! I just got that one after Groot busted my other one.
Jake: Well, I guess it’s time to say goodbye. Bat?
Bat: Batman out.
Jake: See you later guys. Until next time, “I’M BATMAN!”
Bat: Dude! You cannot steal my catchphrase!
Jake: I did that just to get on your nerves.
This article is sponsored by Gotham City Energy Plant. They needed the publicity after Joker totally decimated their entire facility.