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Spock: I do not understand the purpose of your comment.
Jake: (muttering) Yeah, you and MacGyver. (normal tone) Hello, my fellow TPSers, and welcome back to the school year! As you can see, I have returned from the dark age of the year, a.k.a. summer break, to bring you the intentional hilarity brought forth from my witless victims…ahem…interviewees. As you probably figured out, this month I’m interviewing Mr. Spock of the U.S.S. Enterprise.
Spock: I am sure you understand my gratitude.
Jake: Uh huh. Yep. So in your most recent movie, the Enterprise was actually destroyed, and the Federation started building your crew a new one. Does this ship have anything new we should know about?
Spock: Unfortunately, you do not have the clearance to receive that information.
Jake: (blinks) Are you kidding me?
Jake: I’ve been shot at by Daleks, I’ve escaped Kylo Ren on multiple occasions, I’ve fought a Ringwraith, and I’ve survived the mischief of Baby Groot. How could I not have clearance?!?
Spock: You are not an officer of Starfleet and therefore do not have the clearance to receive said information.
Jake: Can you at least tell us if it’s done yet?
Spock: Unfortunately, it’s not, as a result of the construction crew’s lack of speed.
Jake: That’s what they get for procrastinating in school.
Spock: I fail to see how procrastination in education has affected their ability to construct a starship.
Jake: It starts with schoolwork and just grows from there.
Spock: Do you have any evidence for that claim? Or are you basing that on simple speculation?
Jake: Umm… I guess it’s just speculation.
Spock: It is unwise to base any argument on simple speculation.
Jake: But the whole procrastination thing happens. I’ve seen it before.
Spock: Can you provide a verifiable example of this phenomenon?
Jake: (rolls eyes) I think I was right when I thought I should have researched a bunch of stuff beforehand.
Spock: Research can be extremely beneficial at times.
Jake: Now I’m starting to feel like a procrastinator.
Spock: Unfortunately, it is something that occurs in several cases. Many individuals who are victims of this phenomenon end up with deficiencies in their workplace.
Jake: (blinks twice) That’s what I just said!
Spock: Indeed, yet I have evidence to support my argument.
Jake: Oh yeah? What evidence?
Spock: The lack of speed of the workers constructing the Enterprise.
Jake: (face-palm) Oh, good grief. One last thing: how do you think you match up to your competitors? Star Wars and Guardians of the Galaxy, I mean.
Spock: Unfortunately, advanced technology has not allowed us to discover any mystic force.
Jake: Okay, that confirms my theory that Star Wars is better. What about Guardians?
Spock: Our technology is just as advanced, though they may have some devices we have not acquired as of yet.
Jake: Got it. By the way, have you ever met Drax?
Spock: I do not believe so.
Jake: I think you’d like him. You guys talk the same way.
Spock: How does he talk? I have not heard about this before.
Jake: You both sound like walking reference books. Or a live version of Google.
(Beep! Beep! Beep!)
Jake: Oh man, look at the time! I guess we’re going to have to wrap it up. Say goodbye, Mr. Spock.
Spock: Live long and…
Jake: You know the rest, guys. Until next time, “I’m Mary Poppins, ya’ll!”
This article was sponsored by the Vulcan Science Academy and the United Federation of Planets. However, I could only get them to sponsor it after I had told them that Star Trek is actually a great series… but Star Wars is still better.