Humor

A relationship column from a humorist? This is why we also have an advice column.

Welcome to my monthly relationship column where I give you good advice, timed poorly. You know it works because of how well my relationships have gone (Source: my three imaginary friends).

This month’s column is on starting relationships. If you’re anything like me, most of your relationships are started by stalking someone, finding out as much of their personal information as possible, and then trying to impress them with the fact that you know their email password. Unfortunately, this formula has not worked as well in the recent past for me. I’m not exactly sure why. However, I do have an idea. Many people, especially people close to my age, have stopped using email as a form of communication. That’s why I’ve moved to finding their Instagram passwords.

When you meet someone of the same gender as you are – in my case, awkward boy – you greet them using the secret ritual known to all people of your sex. If you don’t know this, you’re probably homeschooled and have no hope of ever making friends. For guys, this ritual is some strange combination of chest bump, insulting the other person’s hair (ironically the only time we ever give the smallest amount of attention to it), and asking them if they have a girlfriend yet.

Girls are a bit more confusing. The female ritual involves hugging, which I do regularly to strange girls, compliments, and a sort of test. I’ve never passed the test, which probably either means that I don’t wear lipstick or that I’m not a girl.

When you meet someone of your gender online, beware. Keep in mind that statistically, almost eighty percent of people online are fifty-year-old hackers named Chuck. The only way to be sure that someone is real on the internet is to give them all your passwords. (Editor’s note: Don’t do this. It’s stupid.) Remember, even if someone says that giving online strangers your passwords is stupid, you should still do it because I’m the relationship columnist.

Meeting someone of the opposite gender is a bit more touchy. Everyone assumes that any boy and girl who stand together for more than five minutes are together. Statistically, this happens most often when you are with either your sister or your cousin. The best way to make sure nobody thinks that you are dating the person you’re talking to is to say, “Hi! My name’s ______ and I would never date someone as hideous as you.” Make sure you say it loud enough that everyone within fifty feet of you can hear you. It really cuts down on confusion.

If you want to date the person you’ve just met, the best way to do that is to take a cue from a romantic movie. Wait until the person makes eye contact with you and then stare. Don’t blink. Don’t look away. If you continue long enough, you can artificially create a love at first sight scene. If that doesn’t work, give the other person something to eat. It can be anything. A roll, a piece of cake, the stick of gum you’re chewing. Wait for the other person to start eating the food. And then chomp onto the other half. You’re both eating the same piece of food now! Classic love scene. The final option is a little bit more dramatic. Come close to the romantic interest and act like you’re already dating. Speak of your undying love for them. Propose marriage if you have to. Sure it scares away some people, but you can tell which ones are the keepers by looking to see which ones stay.

Don’t do this with spaghetti – it’s cliche. Try jello.

At this point, it is time to close, but I want to leave you all with a challenge. This month, meet some people. Use my advice. If you successfully use one of my methods or find a method of your own, send in the story to either josiahdeboer1@gmail.com or relationshipsalwaysworkoutifyoutryhardenoughandgivelotsofcheapgifts@thisisdefinitelynotaprank.lol. If any of you actually read this and send in something, I may print a one hundred word or less story.

 

Sources -“Lady and the Tramp.” s.yimg.com/uu/api/res/1.2/IM44lJT3A7hMPwrLJ6uEaQ–/aD0yOTc7dz01Mjk7c209MTthcHBpZD15dGFjaHlvbg–/https://s.yimg.com/cd/diminuendo/1.0/original/2f3f6213af3a08ba8c4dd040fbec53958fd42c5e.gif.

“Inspirational Quote” http://www.hplyrikz.com/ Date and specific web page unknown.

18 Comments

  1. I’ve never tried any of these tips and that’s probably why I’m single. This is incredibly helpful! I’m basing all my future relationships on this article.

  2. Yee I think this is going to be my favorite column this year. Good job Josiah rofl oh my gosh

  3. I agree with Cassie. But homeschoolers with no social skills. Truth.

  4. I think SSNs are also impressive in the absence of an IG account. And the sisters or cousins thing is the truest part of this article, especially if you have adopted siblings/cousins.

  5. Hahahaha!!!!!!!

  6. i never pass the test either which is weird cause i’m a girl XD

  7. There’s a test???? Clearly I have inadvertently passed this test on multiple occasions lol — Great article Josiah!

  8. I’m totally going to try that with Jell-O. xD

  9. THIS IS HILARIOUS!!!! i was laughing so hard the whole time XD charming advice. great job josiah!

  10. Indeed, indeed, what an inspiring call to action! I appreciated your insight concerning standing with the opposite gender. Many a time have I stood with a cousin and found myself fearfully and wonderfully appraised by theater friends after a show. I would like to rephrase one of your statements: “You can tell which ones are loony by looking to see which ones stay.”
    (Your advice was hilarious. Can’t wait to read more.) XD

  11. This is so great. Love it.

  12. Oh my goodness!! This is hilarious!!! xD

  13. This is spot on Josiah. Hilarious yet so relatable. Can’t wait for your next article.

  14. Ohhh I should try this to my crush… hmmm hope it works xD